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Constant Struggle

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MaNg0s, Aug 27, 2012.

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  1. MaNg0s

    MaNg0s Well-Known Member

    I am sorry if none of this makes sense or if it’s just silly dribble but I needed to articulate these thoughts as the strain is getting worse. I constantly have racing thoughts so its hard to just write them down in an orderly fashion so yeah again sorry in advance if you still want to read on.

    I am twenty three now my best and only friend took his own life just before New Year’s. He was the only person I could talk to he was depressed most of his life like me. As long as I can remember I have been suffering from anxiety and depression I was always worried always very angry. I have attempted to take my own life before, after I failed I realised that it was a sign from whatever is out there that I wasn’t supposed to go, so I stayed on only to find love again and a job. The girl I loved cheated on me many times which I only found out after our 2 year unhealthy relationship ended.
    My job started to depress me more but as I used cannabis to deal with all my problems my only concern was to keep on making enough money so I could get high enough to be able to sleep. I was against anti-depressants as I had tried them earlier on in life and they had made me soo numb that I used to cut myself just to feel something. I am back on them though different meds then I used to take only because the thoughts of harming myself were back. It’s different this time the thoughts are more mature and planned out then they used to be, in a sense it’s scary but in another way it’s comforting.

    Another part of me feels hopeful at times about the future. Sometimes the urge to know the secret of happiness is overwhelming. I feel like the only way for myself to be happy is to explore the world and realise that there is soo much more to experience. I want to be humbled by nature because I know that I live in this beautiful place, even though there are so many issues in the world today most of it is caused by us as a race because as a whole the world in itself is something to be inspired by. I know this might sound like cheesy ramblings of a silly idealist that’s lost the plot. I am not a religious person but there is a title of an album that describes perfectly how I feel it’s called “The Devil and God are raging inside of me” .A part of me believes that even though I have felt this way for years it will get better and the other part has my death so planned out. It’s a strange feeling I can’t explain it its different this time. Lately I am remembering things from my past which I haven’t recalled in a while, feels like my life is flashing before my eyes only slower. I have no idea what to do anymore I know when tomorrow comes I will carry on looking for a job but that other part of me is still screaming away telling me to end it even when I am out a part of me is just screaming at myself to jump in front of a car. I sound crazy. I am sure someone here has felt the same, Is there any way to overcome the battle?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun 23 it is hard age just starting out in the world trying to get independance a job Hun weed will only cause more complications in your life it numbs like any medication it takes away reality so you don't have to deal withit. Antidepressants these days do not numb one out hun wellbutrin xl is an excellent antidepressant as are some other new ones Ifyou were numb out as you said then dose was too high or the medication was not right for you

    I am glad to see you writing out your thoughts hun it is good to release them so you can read them over. The girl showed her true colors now you can move on and find your true love hun

    I too fight thoughts of wanting to leave but know i have a purpose here and i don't want to harm others by leaving
    I hope you can continue to post hun so others can support you and perhaps relate to what you are saying and give you some advice hugs to you hun Keep fighting ok you have so much life to live for hugs
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