I've been trying therapy for a decent while now, I've tried creating a routine with working out, eating health(ier), being more social both familially and with strangers, trying to have a positive/logical mindset free of negative thoughts, but so far I'm still unsatisfied, and upset with my life. I feel like I internally just do not like everything that comes with living, and the most easiest, and only method to escape from it. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but I can only hope that I live to everyone else's recovery and pills end up being a miracle worker... or something along those lines. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, nor do I even know if I can actually carry it out, but I've always, always sought committing it and everything behind it, even passively. It's the only thing I can think about sometimes. Suicide feels like it's the predestined way out for me, like it's a fate, a predisposition, or an ingrained inclination. I've read thousands of posts of family members of people who survived suicide, people who are contemplating. The inherent nature of life has had taking trips to the kitchen during the night just to hold a cleaver, sometimes for safety, sometimes when I'm so desperate to do it but I just cannot.
It doesn't help that I'm a teen and through my life, the only person I've been able to talk about it without risk of repercussions is my therapist, who though cares, is still paid to. Otherwise I'd risk a one-way street to inpatient. After not having anyone to talk to asides from a therapist who you know is paid to care/listen for your entire life, it makes it possible to think of anything to end the constant thinking. I just don't know what to do anymore, It's terrible.
It doesn't help that I'm a teen and through my life, the only person I've been able to talk about it without risk of repercussions is my therapist, who though cares, is still paid to. Otherwise I'd risk a one-way street to inpatient. After not having anyone to talk to asides from a therapist who you know is paid to care/listen for your entire life, it makes it possible to think of anything to end the constant thinking. I just don't know what to do anymore, It's terrible.