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Constant thinking of suicide, like it's ingrained in me

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#1
I've been trying therapy for a decent while now, I've tried creating a routine with working out, eating health(ier), being more social both familially and with strangers, trying to have a positive/logical mindset free of negative thoughts, but so far I'm still unsatisfied, and upset with my life. I feel like I internally just do not like everything that comes with living, and the most easiest, and only method to escape from it. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but I can only hope that I live to everyone else's recovery and pills end up being a miracle worker... or something along those lines. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, nor do I even know if I can actually carry it out, but I've always, always sought committing it and everything behind it, even passively. It's the only thing I can think about sometimes. Suicide feels like it's the predestined way out for me, like it's a fate, a predisposition, or an ingrained inclination. I've read thousands of posts of family members of people who survived suicide, people who are contemplating. The inherent nature of life has had taking trips to the kitchen during the night just to hold a cleaver, sometimes for safety, sometimes when I'm so desperate to do it but I just cannot.

It doesn't help that I'm a teen and through my life, the only person I've been able to talk about it without risk of repercussions is my therapist, who though cares, is still paid to. Otherwise I'd risk a one-way street to inpatient. After not having anyone to talk to asides from a therapist who you know is paid to care/listen for your entire life, it makes it possible to think of anything to end the constant thinking. I just don't know what to do anymore, It's terrible.
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
SF Supporter
#2
You are still young with a world of life left to take advantage of. I know how it feels to want to end it all the time. I have been suicidal from the age of 16 and am now 53 years old. I will never end my own life; I made that promise to myself. I have found things in life that I enjoy doing and I do them, kind of takes my mind off my problems. Some days are really good, other days are really bad. I would suggest to stay in therapy and talk it out, try to find medication that will help you, find a hobby, reach out to people. We care about you here at SF, keep posting. Hugs to you.
 

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Public Access
#3
You are still young with a world of life left to take advantage of. I know how it feels to want to end it all the time. I have been suicidal from the age of 16 and am now 53 years old. I will never end my own life; I made that promise to myself. I have found things in life that I enjoy doing and I do them, kind of takes my mind off my problems. Some days are really good, other days are really bad. I would suggest to stay in therapy and talk it out, try to find medication that will help you, find a hobby, reach out to people. We care about you here at SF, keep posting. Hugs to you.
I'm glad that you've found solace. For myself, I've been in therapy for I'd say about a year and a couple months, and I know it sounds immature, but I've remained the same throughout the entire process. And I wish I could reach out, but that would just be a trip to inpatient; or at least drastically affect my relationships with my family. Do you mind if I ask you what sort of hobbies you've started doing? That asides, I know I sound like I'm just trying to be pessimistic, but I'm just at a complete loss of what to do, I've been this way since forever. I know nothing besides it. Drugs are my last hope neglecting a complete refresh of my life, at this point. Thanks a lot.
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
SF Supporter
#4
My main hobby is collecting Coleman lanterns. I find them at garage sales and flea markets and fix them up. I also watch movies and play chess. I also like to drink some liquor in the evenings, not enough to get too drunk. I have one good friend I talk to every day. The little pleasantries in life make it worth living.

242  Lit.jpg
 

Trixie

Well-Known Member
#5
I've been trying therapy for a decent while now, I've tried creating a routine with working out, eating health(ier), being more social both familially and with strangers, trying to have a positive/logical mindset free of negative thoughts, but so far I'm still unsatisfied, and upset with my life. I feel like I internally just do not like everything that comes with living, and the most easiest, and only method to escape from it. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but I can only hope that I live to everyone else's recovery and pills end up being a miracle worker... or something along those lines. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, nor do I even know if I can actually carry it out, but I've always, always sought committing it and everything behind it, even passively. It's the only thing I can think about sometimes. Suicide feels like it's the predestined way out for me, like it's a fate, a predisposition, or an ingrained inclination. I've read thousands of posts of family members of people who survived suicide, people who are contemplating. The inherent nature of life has had taking trips to the kitchen during the night just to hold a cleaver, sometimes for safety, sometimes when I'm so desperate to do it but I just cannot.

It doesn't help that I'm a teen and through my life, the only person I've been able to talk about it without risk of repercussions is my therapist, who though cares, is still paid to. Otherwise I'd risk a one-way street to inpatient. After not having anyone to talk to asides from a therapist who you know is paid to care/listen for your entire life, it makes it possible to think of anything to end the constant thinking. I just don't know what to do anymore, It's terrible.
I've had suicidal thoughts the majority of my life. I also feel like it's ingrained in me, like it's fate that I'm supposed to die that way. But, what if what we are feeling is an echo of a past life? For me, it sometimes helps to reframe those thoughts as something, well not completely absurd because I actually do believe in reincarnation; but if I imagine that I died in a past life by suicide, well then it makes sense to me that this life would be influenced by that past life. Does that make sense? If not, I have less esoteric ideas for coping.

As far as hobbies, for me I paint, draw, play piano, hike, photography, journal (a lot), Minecraft, sing, TV, movies, meditation, yoga, creative writing. I used to do wood burning projects. It's been a while since I did one of those, though. Anything creative is a great distraction. Out of all of them music never fails me, though. It's my go to because it gets out the most painful emotions. Make playlists for specific emotions. That helps me a lot.

There are times I allow myself to think about death and dying and suicide; but I limit that time to brief moments, no more than 15 minutes. Too much time spent in that head space can cause obsessive ruminating and romanticizing death, not a good place to live. Most probably wouldn't agree with me, but I don't think there's anything wrong with "thinking" about it. Acting on it, though, that's tragic. The most important thing is do not act on any impulses. If you feel like there's a danger, don't hesitate to go inpatient. I know. It sucks. I hate inpatient, too; but that has saved my life on more than one occasion, and you get to meet some of the most interesting people.

Oh, and check out my Mental Health Toolkit (link below). There may be something on there that helps that I forgot to mention.
 

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