In the past 2 years, I've lost 5 friends to suicide. After that terrible pain, I realized that's something I couldn't bear to do to the people who care about me. But the thoughts won't stop. Mostly it's the combination of intense, unrelenting self-hate, PTSD symptoms, and utter anhedonia. I'm in treatment, I have a whole team of people trying to help, but nothing works--and then I feel guilty for being needy and difficult. I keep thinking about how I could kill myself. I don't even want to think these thoughts--I feel so guilty for considering it, but I can't stop the thoughts. I wish my heart would just stop. My friend Kelsey died of anorexia--her heart just stopped in her sleep. I wish that would happen to me. Then I wouldn't have to kill myself--I'd just die, guiltless. I can't kill myself, but I can't manage living, either. What do I do?