Consumed by emptiness

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alone In the Dark, Aug 8, 2007.

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  1. Alone In the Dark

    Alone In the Dark New Member

    And so I sit in the darkness infront of the computer again...probably the device responsible for me still beeing around, as strange as it may seem.

    But what reason is there left to fight for? Already in early teens my backstabbing former best friend, accompanied by the "step on others to reach the top" male mentality made sure to freeze me out from social life. Constant pecking from other males (this includes both use of mockery, and use of physical means) also turned me rather paranoid for many years...I tried to avoid people as much as I could. Though I'm no longer as paranoid towards other males, I still don't talk to many. And those I see of higher social rank, I tend to despise...knowing that they have most likely been kicking others down to get there.
    I've also always been somewhat shy, and the one time I ever tried to hit on a girl (without beeing severely drunk) was back in early teens. Not only was I rejected, but she also decided to put me in the laughingstock for it. It didn't exactly help, and I've never again managed to even ask someone out after that.
    The girls I was in class with tended to be more supportive. If it was from pity, or because they enjoyed talking to me I don't know.

    At some time, my parents (or well...my mother. Seeing as my father never did anything) took some note of my depression. Most of all right after my best friend had backstabbed me by telling everyone in the class all my deepest secrets that only he knew. Sure...lots of it are things that I don't care if people know today, but back then it was enough to cause me to just lie in my bed staring at the ceiling for hours and hours. After a while though, seeing how my behavior seemed to be worrying my mom too much, I decided to try an conceal everything as good as I could. Which I have done for more than 10 years now.
    School years went by. And even though I had some friends from time to time, I lost contact over time, and spent lots of time sitting around alone in the hallways during recesses etc. In order to conceal my feelings, I never skipped school and nor did I show any emotions as long as there were people around. In the later years, it has just gotten harder and harder though.

    Highschool was probably the most empty 3 years of my entire life. It was a new place, with lots of unknown people. But some of my old "enemies" were also there, making the paranoia still kick in to make me avoid people. My social skills were also gone, and I couldn't manage to get a close friendship with anyone. People weren't picking on me anymore, but the wounds everything had caused simply prevented me from beeing able to face social sitations, and another crush I had for a girl made me wish I could just kill off any emotions altogether.
    College went on in pretty much the same manner, although my paranoia slowly faded out as there were absolutely no people there I had hate for from the past. But even so, the emptiness simply continued to grow. I had 1-2 close friends, but on the love side I couldn't even manage to ask a girl out for a date.
    Parties felt somewhat unpleasant, unless I managed to get really polluted. Most of all because I felt stupid sitting around without something to do. My best friend (not the backstabber from earlier) is always nice to talk to, but he's always been much more of a socializer, and after a while I usually end up beeing alone. And after he got a girlfriend, I haven't really seen a lot of him at all. Somehow it just feels depressing to see other peoples joy.

    At some stage I started playing online games on the computer, where I found it easier to talk to people. Or at least people could easier get through the shell I had built up to protect myself. And I managed to get some friends that I still talk to on instant messaging services, even if we don't play the same games anymore. That, combined with computer games managing to get my head off things, probably resulted in me not killing myself during my teens.

    I managed to finish college, but couldn't find any work. Probably much because the lack of initiative my depressions caused, had resulted in rather mediocre grades ever since things started going downwards. This resulted in my staying in my former part-time job, which I really hated. In the end it has just gotten me feeling more and more worthless.

    So now I'm at the age of 23. I hate the job I have. I have failed at getting anywhere with education. I can't manage to just go over to talk to strangers. I'm totally love deprived. I've gotten rather misantropic towards fellow males. I hate myself, and I hate existance. Everything just feels empty... At some stage I decided that if I still can't see any light at the end of the tunnel once I reached 25, I might aswell end it there. 25 is said to be the top of the life, but if this is the top, I don't want it to go more down.

    I did decide to join another college next year, but I fear I might not be able to manage much better this time around either.

    Life just feels so empty and meaningless. It feels as if there's nothing that makes it worth bothering to live, other than to just walk around as an empty shell to please family and such by not making them feel guilty. Of course...they don't know anything though. Not many does.

    So....is there really anything worth living for in this empty, loveless place? :(

    As for love, I've always been one of the "good guys". I'm not violent, I'm not criminal and I respect women. Though I do hate myself, I don't really think I'm all that ugly. (not overweight, or anything like that) But I guess beeing a good guy, combined wuth shyness, means I'm a loser when it comes to love.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 8, 2007
  2. honsou

    honsou Well-Known Member

    your story sounds a lot like mine, well at least the middle school part, as i assume thats where you were betrayed? It will get better as long as you take very slow steps, when your at a place with kind of empty time (a bus station, a line something like that) try to start a conversation. Even if it leads to no where a lot of the fear that you weren't killed for saying something will start to go away slowly. And when you do start up another college next year, take pride in your work. That will help you get better grades and such, and study something that you really love, or if something you really love isn't a viable career choice, choose something practical but something you wouldn't mind doing or are pretty good at. Things can get better if you just take small steps.
     
  3. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Being back stabbed by someone you trust, destroys soo much, especially within your own self.

    You seem to know and understand alot of how you reacted, and what it's done to you. That's the first step to getting over this. And you can do that. Things may seems empty but there not. You just need to find things which will bring back life in to your own life.
     
  4. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    I can relate to what the betrayal of trust does to you. And what's worse, those who do the betraying often have no idea how badly they've hurt you. It's not really over when it's over. It's worse if it's someone you will have a relatively close relationship with for life, such as a sibling or a parent. It may not seem like a big deal to them but it can be incredibly destructive.
     
  5. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    Man that sucks having put all the work into college and then not getting a job out of it. Well at least not yet.

    Anyways, I've never heard of 25 being the top of life. I've heard it said that the high school years are the best of your life, which would really suck if it were true. Thankfully it isn't.
     
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