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Active Member
What would you do if your mother (who knows about the abuse) wanted you to have regular contact with the person who abused you (her father)?

What would you do if your mother was that desperate to have a half-decent relationship with her parents (that she never did have growing up) that she would risk upsetting you to achieve it?

What would you do if your mother cried every time the subject was raised?

Would you do it to keep your mother (who you have an excpetionally good relationship with) happy? Even though you know it would kill you to look at him, smell him, feel him watching you again? Even though you were plagued by dreams of you violently attacking him, you wouldn't be able to do this, only smile and pretend nothing's happened?

Christmas is coming up soon. Every year we used to go to his house.
This time last year I first came out about what happened to me.
Despite this, my family all went to his house for their dinner, leaving me home all alone on Christmas day.
I don't want a repeat of last year... :sad:

Please give me your advice/thoughts?


SF Friend
Staff Alumni
I won't call this advice, as yours is a very very touchy subject and completely subjective to you. If it were me in your position, I would politely, diplomatically, but firmly refuse to go anywhere my abuser would be. And if my mother was so selfish and blind as to want to put me thru all the bad memories and feelings just for her own sake, I would have to reconsider how "good" our relationship really is.

I say this because I've finally learned to protect myself. I was raped (by a friend of a "friend") over 25 years ago just before Thanksgiving. I STILL have bad dreams and feel uneasy at that time of the year... even that many years ago! I cannot forget those feelings and the hell he put me thru for such a long time after the rape happened. I will have those feelings for the rest of my days, and if I were to come across this person lying in a pool of blood on the sidewalk, I would have no qualms about walking around him and going about my business. UnChristian, maybe, but completely understandable - to me, anyway.

If I were to offer you "advice" it would be this: do whatever makes YOU feel comfortable and safe, whatever that may be. This kind of crime cannot be erased or made less - if anything, time only seems to make it worse.

This is my opinion, and my opinion only, but you asked for advice/thoughts, and these are my thoughts and advice.

You have my complete empathy and support. I wish you well and I wish for you some measure of peace in your life, however you obtain it.




Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Hun, I was in this exact situation, for years I had to see my abuser, I cannot begin to tell you the damage it caused to my psyche.

if you can find anyway at all to get out of seeing him, do it!!!!!
if mum gets upset..tough shit!!!!

My thoughts go with you... :hug: :hug:
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