Contemplating and planning suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Caska, May 4, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Caska

    Caska Active Member

    I am 32 years old. I quit my high paying job six months ago because of major depression, anxiety and stress. I don't have any job now and feel very depressed. I basically had a nervous breakdown. I am very scared now because my apartment lease is running out and I don't know what to do. I feel that by quitting my job I have ruined my life. I don't have a network or a passion for anything. I have no friends.

    My last boss thought I was crazy I quit, and I think he will give me a bad recommendation because I stopped going to work on time and basically would have been fired if I didn't quit. I don't think I can get a new job in the industry now, and I don't know how to get a new job in any thing else. I am going to see a career counselor, but I don;t know, I am very depressed with very little confidence and lots of anxiety. I do not sleep for more than 4 hours a night for the last two weeks, and wake up constantly.

    I asked my parents if I could move back in with them, but they are divorced now, and each said no, I am too disruptive. I told them that if I am alone, I am going to kill myself, but they said, that is too bad, there is nothing they can do. They said I can move into an apartment in the city to be near them. I told them, what kind of person am I that even my parents don't want me. Soon I will run out of money and will be homeless. If I sign an apartment with a one year lease and manage to find a new job in a different city, how can I move. But they do not care, so I called the gun store in the new city. Today I called a gun store in that city, and they said <Mod Edit:IrishDoll,Methods> and they will teach me how to use it. <Mod edit:IrishDoll,Methods> because I cannot think of anything better. I will tell my parents, if I am so disruptive, you don't want me anymore, then I won't be around. I told you I need support, but no one wants me, just to watch on the sidelines as I kill myself.

    I have had thoughts of suicide for the past 15 years, but I have never taken any steps towards it, until today when I called the gunstore. <Mod Edit,IrishDoll:Methods>
    I have tried counseling and many different medications, but none have worked. I owe my last therapist 1800 dollars.

    I don't interact well with people and I am afraid of them. I don't see this situation improving and I think it is best just to end things now, before it gets any worse and I cannot even afford a gun.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 4, 2010
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    give the career councillor a chance okay see what he or she can find you to fit your illness There is still hope I know your parents are struggling with their own issues so for them to take on someone elses issues would be putting them in a dangerous place. I don't think the mean to hurt you at all theyare just struggling Wait it out a bit more give the career coucillor a chance reach out community services to see what housing is available okay shelter etc stay safe
  3. Theseus

    Theseus Well-Known Member

    Maybe pickup a lower paying job that isn't stressful and a cheaper apartment and find some stability.
    I am in the same situation that I am at a decent job but doing worse and worse at it over the past year. I've thought that I might take up a job that pays less but isn't as stressful when things at my current job come to a head, at least until I can get things back on track again.
    The same might work for you.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Or work part-time until you can handle a full time job...your parents sound like real gems sorry...glad you were able to write about how you are feeling...please stay and get the support and caring you deserve; big hugs, J
  5. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    Maybe, try subsitute teacher for a while. I think it pays well especially if you have college credit. You are paid based on hours in college. Although, most substitutes have low hours. One of my friend's girlfriend was a med doctor. She didn't like it and teaches troubled kids now. An eye doctor who losed his license also started teaching troubled kids. I've heard many stories where children of wealthy families chose to live a humble life. You're probably just realizing that you didn't like your job. Or maybe not.
  6. Caska

    Caska Active Member

    I cannot wait until I move, I must end this sooner. I think that I will use a bridge, a tall tall place, and that I can end it sooner. I won't even have to wait to move. My parents' rejected my pleas, and told me that whatever decision I make is my decision and that is that. I cannot go on anymore, even my parents' don't care about me.
  7. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    I'm very saddened by your story because i did almost exactly the same thing last summer. I left my job also, which i was working for since i was 18 and i'm 29 now. So i don't know what the fuck i'm gonna do now. I knew by leaving the job i would be putting myself in a perdicament, but i couldn't stand the working enviroment anymore after i broke up with my ex. She also work there. I'm surprised by your parents way of dealing with this. Although my parents did their share of pushing me closer to the edge. For example, they got a court order to send me to a mental ward. Pressuring me everytime they can to find a job, telling me they won't always be around to take care of me. Even insulted my ex girlfriend by saying she was just a nobody and i was stupid to ruin my life for her.

    I don't know if i will ever see the light at the end of the tunnel, but fuck it, as long as i know i will die one way or another then that's comforting.
  8. mike308

    mike308 Well-Known Member

    You sound broken and alone.
    We have all been there and many of us are still there.
    I lost my job of 30 years and have been wandering ever since then. My marriage of 20+ is on the rocks. Spent most of the last few years in a drunken stupor.
    Not helping is a sever case of depression. with the same issues you have.
    I don't need to buy any guns...Have plenty to chose from. Don't know why I haven't just used one of them..
    Wish I could give you some advise that would make it all better. But there isn't anything, like the magic pill..
    I would just tell you that maybe you should get a little angry at your ASSHOLE Parents.. I have never heard of such rubbish. AT 53, when I spoke to my mother about what I was going through, she invited me HOME.. SAID "I could stay as long as I liked",, "did I need anything"? NOT "GET LOST"
    No wonder you are so lost and alone.
    Dig deep and find a reason to LIVE.. Don't give in. Try to start again, even though it is so painfull and seemingly hopeless. As long as you are alive, there is hope.
    Godbless and I wish you well.
    Your Friend
  9. Caska

    Caska Active Member

    I booked a hotel room near where I am going to, so that when I get there, I can rest before. I just want to scout the area in person first. I am hoping I succeed, I cannot take this anymore, I feel like screaming every second of the day. I am hoping I have the courage to go through with it. I am happy you too have survived, I am not that strong, I cannot take this anymore, I need to leave.
  10. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hello Caska, don't do it. I care about you. You can PM me. You have a lot to offer this hungry world. You have talents and you are smart, and we need you to light the way for others. You can be on the mountain top again as you once were. You don't know what the next turn in the road brings. You are young and so many things will change, and some for the better. Things have a way of improving if you wait it out. Dying can be messy work, and if you failed you can end up paralyzed or brain damaged. If you kill yourself, there will be witnesses to your death who will see the after effect and you will cast a dark, dark shadow on those who will have to cleanup after you.

    Suicide will not solve your problem. How do you know that there is not life after death, and you are entering it at your lowest point, and you may not be there forever. Are you one hundred percent sure that it would be the end. What if you end up in hell?

    Be kind to yourself. You live in the richest country in the world. Your situation might change overnight and this difficult time may soon be history. You probably will have a good job along the road. There might be a beautiful young woman waiting just for you. Don't deny her your existence.

    Your parents sound pretty callous and self-centered. But you can make your own family one day who will love and cherish you.

    Go back home and go within yourself. You will find strength there. You have a purpose. Find out what your purpose is, and invest yourself in fulfilling it. Don't always think that you are only going to succeed in a certain way, it might be something that is totally off the familiar path.

    Don't destroy yourself. Be kind to that little boy who lives inside of you who has suffered so much, unheard and ignored. Don't destroy him. Let him live.

    If your parents are uncaring, must you to fail yourself also? Please don't hurt yourself. Don't betray yourself. Be a friend to yourself. If you believe in God, pray. Yours truly, Annette.
  11. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    I would also like to mention I'm very saddened and worried about you on hearing this. Even though its difficult times hold on for me, and these other beautiful people that care about you. Please find a way out other than suicide. Find a way to cope, to live. Find the strength you didn't know you had to go on.
  12. Caska

    Caska Active Member

    I am cancelling my plan at this moment, because I am afraid I would lack the ability to fall. I am very scared of heights. I will cancel the reservation and get my money back. I will wait until I move in 2 months, and then use the backup method. Maybe something will change between now and then. If I could do so now, I would, but since I cannot, I won't, that is the only reason why.

    Thank you for your input, I am glad you care, I wish my parents cared this much about me. I think they are just tired of hearing about it, and are just waiting for the inevitable. But, even if my parents cared, it woud not help, I am not very good at relating to people, and will have trouble finding a new career. I also won't find a mate. Life looks very bad for me long term, and it is better just to avoid it all together.
  13. Sojourn

    Sojourn Member

    Really sorry to hear your story, Caska. Despite the high noise to signal ratio on this forum, there are genuine and sincere people here who are going through the same issues, or struggling with similar mindsets (me included). That sense of hopelessness can completely bury you at times.

    I have no answers, but maybe just hearing another voice from the void will offer some little comfort to you.
  14. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    Hello caska.

    A year ago I walked out on a great job because I wasn't able to do the job any more, and I wanted to leave on a high before they considered pushing me.

    I was in company accommodation, so was making myself homeless at the same time. I ended up in council (state) accommodation, and completely suicidal. I have bipolar, rapid cycle.

    Thru my pdoc, I got put on a mht that visited me 3 times a week and they eventually encouraged me to apply for voluntary work. Now this has taken nearly a year (and 3 hodpital visits later) to get the courage to apply for anything, but it has been the making of me. I do just one day counselling and helping people with benefit forms and applications.

    What I'm trying to say is; stick in there, it's amazing how cheaply you can live when you have/want to, especially as I used to earn a really great wage. Is council/state accommodation an option in the US? I'm in London.....
  15. lonercarrot

    lonercarrot Well-Known Member

    take whatever job you can.. even if that means working as a dishwasher or as a cashier at walmart
  16. Caska

    Caska Active Member

    Hi, thank you for your replies again. I begged again and my parents will let me move in with them. It means I have to give up my cat of 5 years, which is very sad, but I was very certain I went on my own, I would have ended my life. My parents say I must use the money I save on rent to get treatment. I will try it, but I am afraid at times that I am too broken to fix, and that it is hopeless.

    I don't think I can get a job as a dishwasher because I have an advanced degree, and I have tried and talked to friends without jobs who have advanced degrees, and they couldn't get those jobs either :( I would gladly do a routine job to pay expenses. I have tried to apply to some like Starbucks but no one answers my application.

    I am thinking of pursuing a new education, but I am afraid to make that committment, and also I am afraid of ever finding another job in my field, and whether I can handle the stress. I wish I could get a job where I can be able to build up some confidence without all the stress, but I am not sure how. I am going to see a career counselor soon, who might look at things, I do not know if it will help.

    I have a lot of trouble interacting with people, that is also what motivates my suicidal thoughts, because I would want to escape this world. I am feeling very scared of the future for that reason. But for now, since I will live at home, I will not kill myself. I will try and see if things can work out because I know I can always kill myself later. However, I am afraid of all the pain I will endure between now and then...
  17. gakky1

    gakky1 Well-Known Member

    No Shazwacker, council (state) accommodation is something I've never heard of. Know what you're going thru Caska, same here. Been at my job 14 years, just can't take it anymore, on medical leave but I'm not going back, I really don't care about anything anymore.:mad: Glad to see your parents are now helping out, hope that works and helps you. Thans for starting this thread, I was going to do something like it cause I feel the same way, just chickened out trying to start one, really hope it works out and keep us posted.:smile:
  18. F_Immunized_7

    F_Immunized_7 Active Member

    Get married get a kid and show your parents that you can be better parents than them . !!
  19. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    Just because past treatment didn't work, does not mean future treatment won't. If you don't notice a difference get a new therapist, doctor, group, whatever kind of therapy they are putting you through. I have learned with the therapy I'm going through now, if I don't like something, tell them about it. Please realize you will be uncomfortable to begin with. I still am.

    Don't give up, stick with us.
  20. Friend

    Friend Well-Known Member

    I was homeless for five years, and in my opinion, I'd say that's the maximum amount of time that a person can endure it even if they have the strongest of a soldier mentality. I'm about to have to go homeless myself again soon, so, bye life, it was nice knowing you. Send me a postcard. It's up to you whether you want to get doped up on anti-depressants and benzos in order to cope, and I'm sure you would be able to cope for a while, maybe even five years, depending on how strong of a person you are, but by then you'll want to end it for sure. So, it's up to you.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.