Contemplating/Question for survivors of an attempt

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Onedayatatime, Jul 22, 2011.

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  1. Onedayatatime

    Onedayatatime Member

    Hi everyone - I'm a 38 year old male, and have been previously diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and OCD. Although I am on medication, I feel dead inside - like I am just able to muster enough energy to make it through the day. The only thoughts that comfort me, besides prayer and love for my children, are thoughts of my own death to escape the despair brought on by depression. The only thing that keeps me hanging on are my kids and not wanting them to have to deal with my suicide and the trauma that would bring.

    My question is, for those that survived a suicide attempt, did you feel greater feelings of a) despair for not having succeeded, or b) a greater appreciation for life for having survived?

    I’m not asking this question to insult or trigger anyone who has survived an attempt. I really would like to know opinions as I consider further. I would truly appreciate any feedback as suicidal thoughts seem to be one of the few comforting thoughts for me nowadays….

    Thank you
  2. william9_17

    william9_17 Member

    About a month ago I survived a suicide attempt. I called when I realised my fiance could be pregnant and that I could be abandoning my child. My relationship ended though and I will have to fight to see my child when its born. To answer your question I'm glad I'm alive for that but I still want to die. My mother commited suicide and its a horrible trauma for a child to go through. If you can't live for yourself then keep on living for your children...Living for mine has kept me going.
  3. jkeller4000

    jkeller4000 Well-Known Member

    to me it the act of attempting to commit sucide does not make any difference,

    it usually passes it is strange, though sometimes i have gotten smart,
    when i get suicidal if there is no possible thing for me to attempt, i just sleep and usually the next day it is gone, or i start planning something better than downing pills, but in a few days i stop being suicidal and i go back to my semi happy life,

    if i get suicidal and i have the means, ok what i think are the means, and i try to kill myself, then i fail :( though maybe i never put much effort into everything so i always fail, one day i will try more but anyways, after i try and maybe i will try a few times, sometimes something really easy like holding my breath, or trying to out a bag over my head, but the urge to breath is too high and i give up or the air in the bag gets too warm :( then time passes, and in sometime s a few days sometimes a few hours, i just stop being suicidal and i go back to my semi happy life,

    there is no change in me,

    one thing, if i get suicidal and go on a logn bicycle ride, it usually shortens the amount of time i am suicidal, maybe not significantly, but it does semm to help, like a 5 hour ride, 50 miles, and i am so tired i cannot think, well i think about how i cannot think, :) lol it so strange, i just lay in bed because i am so wore out, but i do not have the energy to be suicidal just tired hungry and thirsty,
  4. tatmark1

    tatmark1 Member

    to be honest I have felt both.I didnt even know what happened to be honest when i came out of the coma
  5. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    I feel stupid.
    People now act differently towards me.
    I feel stupid because I didnt manage to finish the job.
    But I also feel that life is precious and that my kids matter.
    Sorry But I think I feel your confusion.
  6. Why Am I Here

    Why Am I Here Well-Known Member

    In the spring I attempted with a ridiculous method that was sure to not fail. but it did, and now I have to live with severe stomach aches on a day to day basis as well as the fact of knowing that I did fail. In my lowest point in life when the only thing I wanted to have was death, and I couldn't even accomplish that, it brought me to a point of numbness. I regret not using a gun everyday.
  7. foolnomore

    foolnomore Well-Known Member

    I have attempted and obviously failed in the past but after each attempt I have felt glad to be alive and have started to recover from that point.Yes in time I get suicidal again but that is the nature of the illness. This time I fought not to give in to the urges because I promised my children i would not make another attempt but also sometimes the damage done can leave a person physically much worse than they were and I don't want that. I know someone who used a method that most of us would think meant certain death - he lost both legs,an arm ,is blind and has had several heart attacks but he is still alive,still an alcoholic,still wanting to die more than ever but now can't even do that without help and nobody is going to help him kill himself.
  8. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    A long time ago, I seriously wanted to die (not a cry for help, I purposely tried to do it when nobody could possibly discover me and put 'insurances' in place against people doing so). I tried carbon monoxide asphyxiation in a closed room but executed it poorly because while I did really want to die, I had a strong fighting 'will to live' as well and the mixture of the two made me unstable and very very shaky during the whole ordeal. Between too much ventilation and too little CO, I just got a headache. Then my mom knocked on the house door but I had already started to clean up given that I realized it was not going to work. I had bolted it on purpose and used the minute or so I had to shred the 'note' (it linked to a full computer note iirc) and flush it as well as put the wimpy grill away (I had faked grilling vegetables and shit outside for a month as a 'hobby' in order for them to not get suspicious in preparation for this). I had taken 6 nyquil not as an overdose attempt, but in an attempt to ease the mental anguish and help me 'nod off'. I opened the door for her after telling her I was coming and bolted it by accident with a straight face, and went to high school that day like nothing had ever happened. I was so numb that I felt completely 'normal' with no trace of tiredness. However, some effects followed. Because of the sheer amount of stress I (unknowingly) swallowed, my stomach started to have problems (eventually heartburn and IBS bad enough that it rendered me bedridden and dependent on opiate drugs to stop it), I couldn't sleep with the light off, felt like a phantom was watching me as I tossed and turned, and so on and so fourth.

    I had previously come close to suicide about eight months before the above attempt (and got sent to a shitty hospital over it) when I was just very depressed, but I got 'over' the depression. When I got over the depression, I experienced a massive (genuine, not mania) confidence boost and dramatic change in locus of control (no longer believing myself to be worthless, rather believing society to be cruel and worthless) What I didn't know was that this would ultimately end up being worse. The lack of people to relate to this situation and their casual brushing it off caused me to crash a lot worse than before and led to the previously mentioned attempt. I would explain it like this: with the depression, I knew I wasn't really worthless and could have confidence, but just felt hopeless and stuck even though there actually was a solution (it was just difficult). With the existential depression, I knew logically that I was in a bind with zero solution whatsoever. After the attempt, I numbed up a great deal but had moments in which I was 'set off' by relatively small events that opened leaks in my emotional wall (that snowballed into full blown rage/depression). The numbness lasted about 3 years with a few blips, but then it started to unravel. It's been about five years since that attempt and I don't believe I have much time left (and its not like I have much of a choice, serious existential depression is much worse than even very bad depression because it is rooted in a more intellectual way that cannot be changed particularly if the perspectives that back it up are rationally sound). The worst part is being so sane, even more sane than most people, yet knowing that you're mentally deteriorating into oblivion over being stuck in the middle of a dozen painful catch 22 situations...the major one being that I feel very deep within me that I don't belong in this society at all (not due to lack of confidence, but due to hyper advanced perspectives that have snowballed in elaborate ways that few people even touch on). And when you are so incredibly aware, seeing that your pathetic human brain is deteriorating under the pressure and that you're losing yourself is an absolute insult to injury. The other component is that I'm not an introverted person, so unfortunately I can't just become a hermit. Screwed either way. I'm aware that my situation is highly unusual and doesn't really apply to the hundreds of depressives I've talked to over the years.

    Anyway, I wish I had succeeded when I was 17. Succeeded, and avoided all the lies, excruciating pain, and false hope. I hugely regret that I failed now that I see the truth of my self. People can be damn sure that given my cold rationality....when the time comes, the time will come. There will be no half-assed 'attempt'. I just wish society were more accepting of what people want to do with their own damn lives....sure there should be some safeguards for depressed teenagers...but I feel that future society will look down on our sanctimonious attitudes towards euthanasia and suicide.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 30, 2011
  9. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    I got a much greater appreciation for life, God and my children...

    Everything else means too little now, unless it compliments any Of those.

    Now I can see clearly and try to help others to stop being anxious, depressed or hopeless as my problems are still there, but they don't affect me anymore and I deal with them in different ways.

    Life is beautiful..... :)
  10. Member

    Hey HawthornePassage, I can sort of relate to your situation, or at least I believe that from the bit you wrote on rationally founded existential depression being a lot harder to deal with than the acute emotional pain. Also, I could pretty much put my name under every word you said in your post, with the exception being that I'm still (or is it again?) in a phase where I can't blame society for my being incompatible with it - everybody else seems to me to be acting out of necessity and without any bad will whatsoever, even if they are realistically trying to screw me over - with the possible exception of any administrative/governmental entities, I'm pretty sure that most of those were actually intended to destroy all human joy. ;)

    In terms of surviving a suicide attempt - I honestly can't say wether this counts as actual attempts, but I have been doing some rather dangerous driving in the past - always on very lonely roads in the woods that were either entirely closed to the public by gates or where I could see clearly what was coming up behing the corner, with the intention of crashing into a tree after losing control at about 120-160km/h. So far, I didn't lose control, but probably I just wasn't driving fast enough or trying often enough. I'm very much a coward when it comes to doing things that I want for myself, like ending my life.
    Anyways, those attempts left me feeling very alive, in the short run. However, on a subconscious level the thought that it's perfectly alright to kill myself has impaired my will to live and to deal with problems in life immensely. It virtually seems like an omnipresent easy way out, whenever I get bothered by *anything* at all, and the thought that one day I'll kill myself is unbelievably comforting... Which of course makes any sort of long-term planning seem futile, except for when I get confronted by direct consequences, which usually triggers unbearable guilt over my inability to live in any way responsibly, inevitably followed by the warm comfort of "one day...".

  11. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    Hi Onedayatatime, i overdosed about 16 weeks ago, i died 3 times, i was so angry that they had saved me. All i could think about was when and how i could do it again... properly! I have four kids well 3 teenagers and a 9 year old who go away to visit their dad 3 times a year. When they are away i have no responsibilities and the opportunity and that is when i am most at risk. This time i managed to ask for help and was admitted for three days. My kids have always kept me going but a year ago i stopped caring, nothing mattered... not enough to make me want to live and that is where i am now. i was discharged thursday and to be honest i am scared this time, scared of myself, scared that i'll get that head on again and not be able to ask for help, i dont trust myself and the hospital are useless here.
  12. chewbacca

    chewbacca Well-Known Member

    that fucking "one day......."
  13. JigsawJohn

    JigsawJohn Well-Known Member

    I almost always feel like a failure after surviving an attempt. Or at least I feel terrible in a way or another. I feel like I not only failed my whole life and planned death, but also failing to appreciate the love and support from my loved ones. It makes me think my decision on suicide is a sign to my loved ones that they just aren't enough. But of course that's not true, I guess you all know that. But I can't stop blaming myself for my deeds. It feels like I hurt them more than I hurt myself, every time. And then I feel as I have to fake that I'm happy to still be alive for them to stay with me and keep supporting me - that if I tell the truth, that I'd rather would have wanted to die, they would feel useless in their attempts of helping and supporting me.

    I guess I'm almost more suicidal after failing an attempt than before, planning it.
  14. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    So true!
  15. Banquo

    Banquo Member

    I failed in a bid last summer, I had it all planned out. But I crashed my car on the way to that plan. I'm not really sure that I'm glad I did or not. On the one hand If I hadn't crashed my car I would have succeded. But I did crash and have had another 18 months of life. But things are looking down again now. I'm not scared of death, but neither am I in a rush to embrace it.

    I've really had enough of the daily struggle now though. And things just don't look like getting better.
  16. mytime

    mytime Active Member

    We sound a LOT alike. Immediately afterwards, I felt angry (mostly with myself) that I'd "failed". In the months afterwards, life was worse because I was dealing with what I'd done and the impact on my family. But it was better too, because I got help and from that got a tiny ray of hope. **BUT** there's no reason I couldn't have got that help without trying to kill myself other than not taking the situation seriously enough.

    It sounds like, you want to die for you but on balance you'd rather live because of what your death would do to your kids. Your current supports obviously aren't enough so, you need to act consistently with your values and make yourself get better help. It's bloody hard, I know.

    Some off the cuff suggestions (you may have already done these but if not, they're a start):

    1. Exercise is consistently rated as the most effective depression intervention
    2. _Good_ talk therapy (E.G. CBT with ACT) is as effective as medication. Put the two together.
    3. If you've been on your current medication for a couple of months, it's time for a review.
    It's quite common to go through several meds before find one (or a combination) that
    really help.
    4. Learn more about depression, anxiety, and OCD.
    5. Most people with major depression feel like they are the exception that can't be helped
    even though others can. Recognise that as the illness talking.
  17. Dionaise

    Dionaise Member

    Hi mate,
    Following my attempts, immediately after, I regretted not having succeeded, feeling like a failure. This hasnt pretty much changed.
    My 2 major attempts, which thankfully no one found out about at the time caused me much regret, as the repercussions lasted for a while, which caused me a shitload of pain and discomfort, and cos I was running scared so to speak, I didnt ask for anyones help or some relief from the pain. Hence not only was there a lot of physical pain, but I still felt pretty dam bad. Most times, I look back at the 2 attempts and really regret I didnt keep going in to the moment, and not stop and worry about what if I didnt succeeed. During them, I had a rare moment of clear headedness, realising that I may not succeed, and the doubt of what I truly wanted interferred greatly. Ambivalence played a major role in my failures at the time. Though I know feel slightly more alive, I dont know if theyve acted a deterent or otherwise, probably neither. I dont know about others, but though I had many planned out, I never followed them, and instead did other things on impulse.
  18. I think it was both for me. I attempted twice within a year, my last attempt being a year ago. For the majority of that year I was beyond pissed that it didn't work, but Ive gotten a little better since then and some days I actually wake up happy to be alive.
  19. zmonkey

    zmonkey Member

    First off, thanks to the OP, and to all the respondents, this thread has been incredibly beneficial to me in sorting through some thoughts, and now I'll contribute my own and hopefully help someone else with my confession...

    I attempted to take my own life around May of 2006. I was trying to use sleeping pills and asphyxiation to end my life. I won't go into details, but the attempt left me feeling more alive, scared, and depressed afterward. I would NEVER recommend repeating what I did, or ever trying to seriously harm oneself to anyone. It left me even more aware of my failures, and my dashed hopes. It left me disillusioned, and I think might have contributed on many levels to different kinds of denial about my situation, prospects, etc. One thing that became perfectly clear to me, however, was that regardless of that attempt, it did not restore my faith in humanity, myself, or a higher power. It did not "fix" anything, it only made it worse. Every time I slip closer to the precipice of my depression, and begin looking into that deep dark well of despair that is waiting to swallow me whole, I remember how hard it was to climb out of it, to get to the point where I could write something like this to you all. Part of me still feels like none of you care, even as I offer my support to others knowing that many of them feel as I do. Empathy is so key to survival, I'm finding. If you can put yourself in someone else's shoes for a moment, someone you care about, it's impossible to harm yourself. You can't do that to someone you love. But knowing that, it also means that you will subconsciously start to isolate yourself, so that there's no one who cares, nobody to feel bad about when you decide to try again.

    I want to change gears, as this is getting depressing, so I'll say this. I still want to be a blessing to others, not a burden. I still want to fall in love, maybe get married, not sure about children, but if I was "better," I'd consider it. I still believe there are good people in the world, and I still believe, despite my issues, that I am one of them, and that you all are, too. I believe if you're taking the time to read this, you want a way out, just like I do, and you'd prefer it be happiness in life, rather than peace through death. I believe that such a solution exists, and doesn't need to end up with us all doped up and numb, not feeling bad, but not really feeling good, either. And, finally, if my life ends prematurely, through any means, I still thank whatever forces conspired to give me life. It's a gift I never asked for, and that I'll never be able to repay fully, and I will live the rest of my days trying to let a little gratitude shine through my sadness.

  20. liferules74

    liferules74 Member

    I have definitely felt despair for not having succeeded right after waking up from a failed attempt. Over time that feeling has gone away. I can't say I have a greater appreciation for life either. Mostly I just feel guilt for everything that happened. The net effect of all my attempts was losing my entire family through divorce and alienation. I volunteer my time now which helps me with the guilt and helps remind me just why I decided to quit attempting.
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