contemplating suicide

[GhostOfYou]

it's getting later now.
I've been waiting for this moment for awhile now..somewhere between late at night and too late to get up for school tomorrow, I'll be ready. and that's only a couple of hours away.

I'm sitting beside a few bottles of pills...42 tylenal, maybe 20 Pepcide AC, and atleast 30 motrin, sitting on the computer table beside me. Probably not enough to kill me, but enough to try.

This is it. I've fucked up my life beyond un-fucking now. And my wrist? Well I've fucked that up even worse.
I think I'll skip PT (Phis Ed class) tomorrow....No, wait, I think I'll quit PT class tomorrow...No, wait, I think I'll quit life tonight.

So now what?

 

[Evo_L]

I don't know, I've stock piled a bunch of painkillers for some time now. It's enough to take me where I deserve to be but there's a few haunting things in the pipeline for me that could make life worth living for myself. These horrid goals always seem to manifest in ways, even though they fizzle away constantly and dissapoint me further, they're always replaced by something else dangling.

I'd rather just know the fucking score. None of this heart-breaking bullshit I have to endure all the fucking time, I'd just like to have a good indication of what the score is, if it's going to be like it's previously been, then so god help me I'll make my way to the pavement and beat my head into the ground until my brains spilt out all over the floor.

 

[Hereforyou]

Come on dont do that. Whats going on, or what do you want to talk about I should ask?

 

[GhostOfYou]

aah I don't knowwww....
If the question "what's wrong" is asked, my answer: "everything"

I can't live here anymore, I can't live this life any more, I can't feel the pain anymore of cutting...damnit

I want to cut soo sooo bad soo so deeply but I promissed a friend I wouldn't cut tonight if he promisses not to take any pills.
Well, the promiss on my end was to not hurt myself. There was never anything said about killing myself.

I found even more pills in the cabinet last night.
:sad:
I hate this

 

[GhostOfYou]

thanks Evo_L, you post makes me feel a whole lot fucking better.

Indulging in such shit? MCR may not be one of my favorite bands, but why the fuck do you care and why the fuck should you get involved when it has nothing to do with you. Hate whoever you want music-wise, it won't affect me. Just leave me the fuck alone because I don't need shit from you because I don't like the same music as you do, even if I did like MCR. I don't need you to tell me what the fuck to listen to.
A song of theirs means a lot to me, and I don't need shit from you if you don't fucking mind.

 

[Evo_L]

So why do you want to comit suicide, I'm just asking here, ignore the previous comments.

What is so bad? (I'm asking geniune here, not piss taking or being sarcastic)

 

[GhostOfYou]

Death became an obsession when I started to get depressed 3 years ago. Now the depression is on and off, I've fucked up my life big time more than once, I keep fucking it up, I'm nothing but trouble at school and my life is going nowhere, I'm constantly obsessed and driven to hurt myself (I'm so fucking addicted to cutting you have no idea) and I'm always always thinking about killing myself..previous attempts havn't worked...

My life is going noooowhere

 

[Evo_L]

I had a very bad destructive phase when I was around 19 years old. I became so withdrawn with life I didn't care about anyone or anything, i took loads of drugs and secretly wished I'd just die. I then had a few wrong turns on drugs, as in nearly died. I over dosed on cocaine and had an awakening almost on it. I fell ill for several days, these days were utterly pitiful all I wanted to be straight, even though I've never been religious I prayed to god to get straight again. Eventually whatever happend to my mind began to subside of a period of about 8 days. After that rebound i felt a lot more positive, I tried really hard at life and I thought I was doing well. However this all came crashing down after about six months.

I forget my original point. Oh yeah, I remember now. It wasn't until I really did have nothing that I actually began to value just being sane. Now I'm not saying a near death experience is what you need but maybe you should get a tent and go out into the wild for a few days, on your own. Sounds far fetched but that isolation and basic need can be inspiring.

Maybe you should see a doctor though, you sound like you're still at school right? Maybe you should have some compulsive behavioural therapy. You may overcome it. I never did, people still tell me I'm going through a phase, yeah 10 year phase :rolleyes: !

 

[GhostOfYou]

um right then. Well, what happens when you have nothing left to lose and you don't even have your sanity?

Yes, I'm still in school. I told my doctor a few months ago basicly that I was going to kill myself and she told my mom to send me to theripy and my mom said alright and we talked about it, decided I would try it, and she said she'd call someone...never got around to it (go figure, right) now she has too much to deal with and too many kids to worry about me. She just had a new baby and there's a lot pf stress in my house.

Honestly, she doesn't belive me though. I tell her all the time "yeah, well I'm just going to go kill myself" and she's like "Oh, pleeeease"
And I go cut my wrists deep. Sometimes I wish I could show her my scars and maybe she'd feel bad...but I'm not that cold-hearted. I wouldn't want to hurt her.

So she promissed me help and I never got it. I guess that's life. I guess I'm out on my own to either fix this problem or just..die...