I have several problems that I'm trying to consider how to deal with at the moment. And, I'm not doing so well. It fucking bothers me like hell to actually admit that. I can't manage to control myself anymore. This all happening in the course of one, simple solitary day. A while ago, I get a call. I'm asked to do something, I say no. I get threatened with being killed, I still say no. If I do it, I die anyway. If I lay low, I still die. I feel inclined to ask: What the FUCK? I can't do this much longer. I've even been offered the most methamphetamines that I've ever heard of. I'm so fucking tempted just to do it. Take it, succeed or fail, and die either way. Just to put the motherfucking cherry on the motherfucking sundae, my power supply on my good computer shot itself yesterday. I was left to think. I couldn't turn on the TV, couldn't call anyone. I've read all the books I have here a thousand times or more, so I just thought. And while thinking, I realized the severity of where I am, and how it's going at the present point in time. It's not cool. At all. The mental blocks I've put on my entire past are coming down, letting it all out, and I can't stop them. I forced myself to stop dreaming a long time ago, and I'm getting dreams. Dreams I don't want to have. My death, my disdain and failure for life. How much I really want to die. Just end, and let it be. It's getting to me. I can't stop it for much longer, and anyone here who knows how I am, what kind of person I just so happen to be, knows that I have a very high threshold for all the bullshit that life can bring. I let it slide off of my shoulders and continue on with who and how I am. I can't do it anymore. I can't hack my mind like I can hack into a computer system. Not anymore, at least. The memories of my past are what's really getting to me. My dad, the way he was, how much I used to hate him. How much of an absolutely horrible child I was to my mother.. everything. I'm not sure just how much longer I can survive, even though it hasn't been a terribly long time that this has been happening, I just can't bring myself up from it, and am seriously considering just taking the easy way off it all, letting myself go.. I can't though. I have a reason to live, I know I do. I just wish she were here..