Contemplation

[Deep Thought]

i'm not quite sure how 2 start this, so i'll just blurt it straight out:

u kno wen ur really down and p***ed at urself, for reasons i dont wanna go into, and da only thought in ur head is 'i want this all 2 end!' And i come close 2 it, holdin da knife on my wrist, but i just cant do it. I spose i cant do it coz i dont wont my family, friends and even complete strangers thinking 'poor him', and pointin out da fact tht i cant cope! i've never seriously attempted suicide, but i do sometimes wish i was dead. i often hope 4 an illness or a car accident, i kno its bad 2 wish these things coz it happens 2 peps who dont want or deserve it, but i just cant stop myself.

i'm tryin 2 deal with it myself but obviously it aint workin. but i cant tell any1, i've told 1 friend (my best friend) and now i hardly tlk 2 him, and he's afraid 2 raise the subject so now we drift past each other. i've tried counselling but i never tlk about these thoughts, or my self harm, i just ramble on bout stress with uni work.

basically i want 2 kno other peps thoughts on this. and whether i'm alone in this sense :sad:

 

[wallflower]

i'm not quite sure how 2 start this, so i'll just blurt it straight out:

u kno wen ur really down and p***ed at urself, for reasons i dont wanna go into, and da only thought in ur head is 'i want this all 2 end!' And i come close 2 it, holdin da knife on my wrist, but i just cant do it. I spose i cant do it coz i dont wont my family, friends and even complete strangers thinking 'poor him', and pointin out da fact tht i cant cope! i've never seriously attempted suicide, but i do sometimes wish i was dead. i often hope 4 an illness or a car accident, i kno its bad 2 wish these things coz it happens 2 peps who dont want or deserve it, but i just cant stop myself.

i'm tryin 2 deal with it myself but obviously it aint workin. but i cant tell any1, i've told 1 friend (my best friend) and now i hardly tlk 2 him, and he's afraid 2 raise the subject so now we drift past each other. i've tried counselling but i never tlk about these thoughts, or my self harm, i just ramble on bout stress with uni work.

basically i want 2 kno other peps thoughts on this. and whether i'm alone in this sense :sad:

Maybe you could do something to get your mind off of it. Something that helps me most is listening to music and writing poetry. I have a therapist and I don't feel like I want to tell her when I feel down, all she wants to talk about is the good stuff. You need someone you can talk to, tell the bad stuff to.
I hope you stay here and enjoy the things life has to offer because there is a lot to live for.

 

[SweetVitriol]

First up, welcome to the forum..

Secondly, you are not alone mate...There are plenty of us trying to deal with a multitude of problems, so always remember that...You are not alone...

It's always difficult to open up to anyone, even a councillor or a psych, but I hope you find the forum useful for this.

I always find the anonymity of this place to be helpful as no one ever sees the tears or the anger...

Hope to hear from you.

 

[Deep Thought]

Thanks 4 da advice wallflower and sweetVitriol. but i wen i listen 2 music i end up just using it 2 blank out da world and seclude myself in my head, i then dwell on the thoughts more. i've tried 'free writing' (i think its called that) where i just write my internal dialogue and its strange, and scary, wen i read it back after a couple of days. and even with da anonymity of forums i still feel like tht peps r judging me, i kno ur not but i feel like u r.
so far the only thing i kno tht helps bury these thoughts is goin out 4 a drive, but wen i do i tend 2 drive v. fast (i drive at 100mph on country roads!).

God i feel like an attention seeker writing this stuff. lol