I am typing without really knowing what i am going to say, part of me wants to share, to express myself but another part of me just wants to close myself off from the world. I guess that just about sums up my life, one moment I am trying hard to fit in, wearing a multitude of masks to make people around me like me or think that I am happy and content with my world...the next minute I just draw back from everything and everyone and just don't want to be part of anything at all. I feel like I am always trying to be something I'm not, in work, in my relationships with people, always smiling and playing the happy clown that people laugh at rather than with, my quest for acceptance. Desperate and pitiful huh? thats how I see it anyway. I despise myself if I am being honest, I hate the cowardly, self effacing joke that I have become. I have been pretending and hiding and cowering for so long that I have no idea how to act any other way. I used to think that if only I could get the real me to come out, but now I just think maybe this is the real me, and if that is the case what a waste of space am I. I have no ambition, I don't want to own more, or earn more, or achieve more. The world and my life within it has no interest to me, my thoughts for the last year or so have just been to get through the journey from the cradle to the grave with as litte effort and hassle and stress as possible. I used to fear death, and try not to think of it.....and part of me is still scared of it, I dread it happening but god, I cannot wait for this existence to be over with. I read once that this is a futile wish, because once you die, their will be no feeling of relief because you are dead so it isn't in reality a viable goal...I can understand that but on the other hand, if you take no joy in life, then why bother with it? I guess I am still struggling with that, and holding on by trying to take joy from any tiny thing that I can, even if it is just a grilled cheese and mushroom sandwich. Hold onto all the pleasures you can find and maybe that will be enough to keep me holding on. If only life was a lightswitch you could turn off without any pain or suffering, just a flick of a switch and there lies blackness and nothingness for eternity.... I am not even going to read what I have posted, it just feels good to get something out for once.