contemplation

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by allanon, Mar 25, 2009.

  1. allanon

    allanon Member

    I am typing without really knowing what i am going to say, part of me wants to share, to express myself but another part of me just wants to close myself off from the world. I guess that just about sums up my life, one moment I am trying hard to fit in, wearing a multitude of masks to make people around me like me or think that I am happy and content with my world...the next minute I just draw back from everything and everyone and just don't want to be part of anything at all.

    I feel like I am always trying to be something I'm not, in work, in my relationships with people, always smiling and playing the happy clown that people laugh at rather than with, my quest for acceptance. Desperate and pitiful huh? thats how I see it anyway. I despise myself if I am being honest, I hate the cowardly, self effacing joke that I have become. I have been pretending and hiding and cowering for so long that I have no idea how to act any other way. I used to think that if only I could get the real me to come out, but now I just think maybe this is the real me, and if that is the case what a waste of space am I.

    I have no ambition, I don't want to own more, or earn more, or achieve more. The world and my life within it has no interest to me, my thoughts for the last year or so have just been to get through the journey from the cradle to the grave with as litte effort and hassle and stress as possible. I used to fear death, and try not to think of it.....and part of me is still scared of it, I dread it happening but god, I cannot wait for this existence to be over with. I read once that this is a futile wish, because once you die, their will be no feeling of relief because you are dead so it isn't in reality a viable goal...I can understand that but on the other hand, if you take no joy in life, then why bother with it?

    I guess I am still struggling with that, and holding on by trying to take joy from any tiny thing that I can, even if it is just a grilled cheese and mushroom sandwich. Hold onto all the pleasures you can find and maybe that will be enough to keep me holding on.

    If only life was a lightswitch you could turn off without any pain or suffering, just a flick of a switch and there lies blackness and nothingness for eternity....

    I am not even going to read what I have posted, it just feels good to get something out for once.
     
  2. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    im so glad that you found it in you to write all of this out. sometimes just writing and not even looking back on what you wrote can be the best thing because if you do look back you start to analyse it and think about it all over again. or it could upset you more. but getting it out in the open.. its a good thing

    the only person you can ever be is yourself. i know what its like to as soon as you see someone put that 'mask' on to make them think that everything is ok. but underneath the real you is hurting and having the thoughts that you really and truly feel

    the way your living at the moment.. taking joy from even the smallest thing.. it can be the easiest way to get through life when you feel you cant take it anymore. to realise what you could be missing out if you did die. but what you need to do is to take one day at a time. deal with things as they come. do things for yourself and when you feel ready to. never put pressure on yourself with things that you cant handle.

    always a pm away if you need to talk x :hug:
     
  3. Starlite

    Starlite Senior Member

    Im glad you found the strength to write what you did. That takes courage and alot of patience with yourself.

    I hope you can find that glimmer of hope.

    if you need to talk, please don't hesitate to pm me too!
     
  4. allanon

    allanon Member

    Thankyou to both of you for your kind words. I was at a particularly low ebb when I wrote that. I guess the two main things that keep me holding on are firstly, the love i have for my mum, my dad and my older brother, when I think about my life ending, i think of the effect it would have on them and how much upset and hurt and sadness it would cause them...and it feels too selfish of me. I often wonder when those anchors no longer exist and the world becomes a much colder and more solitary place for me what will give me comfort and purpose when in reality nothing in this world holds my interest. Knowing me, it will probably be my second reason, my fear.

    I dream that when you die, your soul becomes free for eternity from your body and your spirit is released to wander the earth and observe life in all its beauty without the restrictions of a living body to hinder you. I hope with every fibre of my being that this is what happens.
     
  5. smk

    smk Well-Known Member

    i fear the mask, having to put up a front is fantastically detrimental. I know am not the only one that holds with reservation the idea of inconveniencing everyone with my dark emotions, but f**k em i say. oppressing my identity is not doing anything for me either.

    the mask is bad, writing things out is good.
     
  6. allanon

    allanon Member

    The last few weeks I have really been struggling, I am finding it hard to get up each day and function. Nothing seems worth doing, I am so tired of life, there seems no purpose to it. I am never going to be a person I like and admire, my life is just going to be a long, painful experience with nothing but greyness. Work fills me with dread, I am earning just to pay debts for a stupid past, and even if I wasn't deeply in debt, there is nothing I wish to purchase. I am just tired of it all. I wish I could just sleep and not wake up. I wish I could give my life to someone deserving, I read about people dying, people who fight bravely to hang on to life, who have familes and loved ones and children who are all bereft at them passing...and here I am, alive and ungrateful and unappreciative of that life. Where is the fairness in that?

    My mind feels dead.