Content

I've got to say, I'm finally becoming content with my fate of dying within the next few years. Now stuff that made me sick to my stomach doesn't bother me anymore (at least not as much,) as well as most of my humanly problems... sure, I'm still broken about the state of the world and a lot of other stuff, but why should I give a fuck if I am going to kill myself shortly? It's my life isn't it? I mean, yeah, my parents gave me life, but my life was GIVEN to me; I should be able to do what I want with it, including ending it if it's causing me nothing but inevitable pain and disappointment. What kind of sick shit is making me live on in a life that does nothing but isolate and hurt me (if not then, eventually) and lead me through endless fucking guilt trips?

Oh well, no use in ranting about it now... at least now I know what I have to do. I know I can't keep living like this... I can't keep living period, otherwise, I'm just going to become a Phantom of the Opera-like recluse. I'm just going to take a final vacation in a few years or so, and then after that :mortd: no more of me. At least now I'm finally coming to terms with it, and that thought of knowing it's extremely likely I'm going to die in a few short years (save for some pie-in-the-sky miracle perhaps) seems to bring me more contentedness than anything else in the world right now... to finally return back to whatever the hell created me anyways...

 

Why do you believe you will die in a few years? Do you have a terminal disease?

 

no, not physically or that I know of... but I may as well pretty much with the way that life treats me. Of course, I feel like with all the stress and anxiety amongst other problems I have, how poorly I take care of myself (for instance, I lost 5 POUNDS this year, bringing me down to 110,) how I've never been happy for longer than a few hours at a time since age 17 or 18, and just little things in general... I know for sure I can't keep living like this. No matter how hard I try in life, it seems to always fail or reject or disappoint me in the worst of ways.

It'd be nice to die from a terminal disease though, be a lot easier than killing myself like I'm going to (nobody can talk me out of this.) I can't see myself living longer than a few more years because the misery just never seems to stop. I'm tired of living for that Obama-brand "hope" and being stuck in utter misery/failure with no way out. Oh well, if I go the route of Japanese ritual suicide, at least beforehand I'll be healthy enough to take one last vacation before I die. Be better than continuing to torture myself by living on and turning into a psychopath.

 

I felt that way before too, for a long time. Sometimes I still expect my future to end the same way. But by living while expecting to die, I did a lot of things to myself that I wouldn't have if I expected to have a life ahead of me. I still have the scars and the addictions, but was able to lose some of the hopelessness. Please, don't live only to die. It feels so peaceful and contenting now, but only serves to hurt you more later.