First off, I never properly introduced myself so hello. I'm here. I'm 20 years old and currently starting my 3rd year of college. No, I'm not about to commit suicide, though honestly, the thought has crossed my mind more than once today. It's been terrible all day today and now, I don't know how I'm feeling. It's best if I just explained. I'll cliff note the majority of things here, I met a girl, fell in love with her, and then found out she was seeing else, all the while lying to me about him. It hurt, I felt like punching the walls, even though I know that it's just a stupid idea and will only result in bruised knuckles. I felt like crying, but I didn't let the tears come, still havent. I felt like screaming, but that would have disturbed my mother. I haven't done anything about it but think about the past week of lies that she decked out to me, the line of lies that I had to endure today while talking to her. It's all just been boiling inside of me. This all had to come during a week that I was seriously down. I was faced with the possibility of not going back to school this semester because I got money taken away. It was because I failed badly in more classes than I should have. That failure was probably a result of a lot of other stresses that have been over my head including my mother's declining health, her terrible financial situation since the divorce of my parents, and my brother going to rehab for a crack addiction. I was so worried about that, then I see on her myspace that I had moved down a peg in lou of some other guy. Her myspace name changed to suit his, and even her msn name, and through all of that, she still said that he was just a friend. Today was the day that I found out how much of a friend he was to her. After coming back from getting my hair cut and eating dinner, all while fighting back every impulse I had to cry and scream, I decide to go back on my myspace account and I see that she has unfriended me. Now, I don't know what to feel. First I was angry all day from the lies that she had layed out to me and the fact that I gave her my heart and she did what just about every girl I know does with it, she threw it away. She held it and coddled it for as long as she wanted comfort and then when she didn't need that comfort anymore,s he tossed it like a used tissue. Fucking typical. But when I saw that she unfriended me from myspace, I just stopped feeling. That burning feeling I had just turned into a dead one. Thats the only way I could describe how it is for me right now. I'm dead inside. I could probably lie down in my bed for the next month and I probably wouldn't care. When I found out, it drudged up every past feeling of depression that I had. The fact that I have no money, no job, no real marketable talent, I don't enjoy my hobbies anymore, I haven't had a real girlfriend for 5 years, or a real date in the past 3 years now. It all came back at that moment. Right now, I feel like going to sleep and not waking up. If I had a heart attack during the middle of the night, I wouldn't mind it. But now, I'm not feeling much of anything. I want to hate her, but I also want to love her. I want to forgive and forget, but I can't forget and in that, I can't forgive either. I want to hug her, and punch her at the same time. But even through all of that, I mostly don't want to do anything. I fear that if this continues for me, I may very well put knife to juggular and just stop it all. It never gets better for me, everything just gets different degrees of worst. What did I aim to do by writing this? I don't know. I don't care. It just seemed like the only thing to do. I just want to know for once what real fullfillment is. Remember what happiness was like. Just have, for a while, peace. All that I've been repeating in my head for the majority of this day has been "help me" and "worthless". I don't know what help could even get. And I'm n ot even all too sure if I care.