Contradicting feelings of nothing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kugatsu, Jan 20, 2007.

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  1. Kugatsu

    Kugatsu Active Member

    First off, I never properly introduced myself so hello. I'm here. I'm 20 years old and currently starting my 3rd year of college.

    No, I'm not about to commit suicide, though honestly, the thought has crossed my mind more than once today. It's been terrible all day today and now, I don't know how I'm feeling. It's best if I just explained.

    I'll cliff note the majority of things here, I met a girl, fell in love with her, and then found out she was seeing else, all the while lying to me about him. It hurt, I felt like punching the walls, even though I know that it's just a stupid idea and will only result in bruised knuckles. I felt like crying, but I didn't let the tears come, still havent. I felt like screaming, but that would have disturbed my mother. I haven't done anything about it but think about the past week of lies that she decked out to me, the line of lies that I had to endure today while talking to her. It's all just been boiling inside of me.

    This all had to come during a week that I was seriously down. I was faced with the possibility of not going back to school this semester because I got money taken away. It was because I failed badly in more classes than I should have. That failure was probably a result of a lot of other stresses that have been over my head including my mother's declining health, her terrible financial situation since the divorce of my parents, and my brother going to rehab for a crack addiction. I was so worried about that, then I see on her myspace that I had moved down a peg in lou of some other guy. Her myspace name changed to suit his, and even her msn name, and through all of that, she still said that he was just a friend. Today was the day that I found out how much of a friend he was to her.

    After coming back from getting my hair cut and eating dinner, all while fighting back every impulse I had to cry and scream, I decide to go back on my myspace account and I see that she has unfriended me. Now, I don't know what to feel.

    First I was angry all day from the lies that she had layed out to me and the fact that I gave her my heart and she did what just about every girl I know does with it, she threw it away. She held it and coddled it for as long as she wanted comfort and then when she didn't need that comfort anymore,s he tossed it like a used tissue. Fucking typical. But when I saw that she unfriended me from myspace, I just stopped feeling. That burning feeling I had just turned into a dead one. Thats the only way I could describe how it is for me right now. I'm dead inside. I could probably lie down in my bed for the next month and I probably wouldn't care.

    When I found out, it drudged up every past feeling of depression that I had. The fact that I have no money, no job, no real marketable talent, I don't enjoy my hobbies anymore, I haven't had a real girlfriend for 5 years, or a real date in the past 3 years now. It all came back at that moment. Right now, I feel like going to sleep and not waking up. If I had a heart attack during the middle of the night, I wouldn't mind it. But now, I'm not feeling much of anything.

    I want to hate her, but I also want to love her. I want to forgive and forget, but I can't forget and in that, I can't forgive either. I want to hug her, and punch her at the same time. But even through all of that, I mostly don't want to do anything. I fear that if this continues for me, I may very well put knife to juggular and just stop it all. It never gets better for me, everything just gets different degrees of worst. What did I aim to do by writing this? I don't know. I don't care. It just seemed like the only thing to do. I just want to know for once what real fullfillment is. Remember what happiness was like. Just have, for a while, peace. All that I've been repeating in my head for the majority of this day has been "help me" and "worthless". I don't know what help could even get. And I'm n ot even all too sure if I care.
  2. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I'll just say that the "dead inside" feeling, in my experience, comes after the excruciating pain feeling, and that is a good thing. After this passes, you will be equipped to pick up the pieces and move on. The numbness I think is the brain's response to massive emotional pain, like bodily shock is the brain's way of shutting down the nervous system so you can't feel physical pain. Next comes feeling better. You hate her and love her because the two are quite similar in the sense that they both require a certain amount of passion, either positive or negative. Eventually, you will feel nothing for/about her but dislike and you may even pity her. You're on the right path, just don't give up before you get you shit together, because you will.
  3. Kugatsu

    Kugatsu Active Member

    I don't know. I've tried and tried and tried to look for silver linings and things to make my life better but they all get taken away, all get pushed under piles of shit, and things only get more and more impossible as time goes on.

    At one time, I was strong. I boasted that suicide was the farthest thing from my mind and only the actions of a weakling who couldn't take life. Then one divorce and crack addicted brother later, I'm trying to take my own life by trying to OD on alcohol which just led to the worst hang over in my life. And things only got worst when my dog died, when my mom consistently abandoned me to deal with my brother and his friends, school, relationships, all going sour. Life just kept on going in even more of a downward spiral.

    And now this, after all of the promises I made to her, all of the things we said, it all came down to lies. How much of it was real and how much of it was lies. God, now I'm just trying to figure out the best ways to go out. Find out how to grab a large supply of morphine? Mass quantify sleeping pills and vodka? Bleed myself from the jugular? Which is the best? I know no one is going to answer that since it's against the rules. I just wish I could have someone for real. someone to hold, someone to confide in, someone to cry with. I just want someone, something that will make me feel alive again, because right now, I'm walking, but those steps aren't those of an alive man.
  4. Kugatsu

    Kugatsu Active Member

    I don't even care anymore.
  5. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    You are not the only person who has been lied to in the past. If you will allow yourself to get over it, you will. If you cut your life short, you will never experience joy again. Only you can decide to go on with your life or to end it, but ending it is definitely a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
  6. Kugatsu

    Kugatsu Active Member

    It's been a couple of days since that and things have only gotten worst but my dead feeling still hasn't really disappeared. I'm supposed to enter my third year of college but the chances of that happening are dismal since there is a lack of money. My friends and I argued last night over my future plans of which I have none of, and we came to the conclusion that I should take time out of school and work and think of those plans which I don't want to do. School helps me take my mind off of a lot of things that have been messing with my life from my brother in rehab to my depressive, sick, alcoholic mother, and our near poverty status. Last time I took a semester off, I suffered a nervous breakdown and I don't wish to repeat that again.

    I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what I want to do and I almost don't really care. I've got nothing and no one. Just like so many other people here, I'm floating by myself and I don't see anywhere I can go. I've been drifting away from my old self for the past 3 years. The self who knew what he wanted, the self who found joy in his hobbies, the self who loved his friends, the self who cared about them, the self who would have challenged the world with both hands tied behind his back. Now it's trampling all over me and I don't see any way to find myself back to that.
  7. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    The "dead inside" feeling will most likely go away once you are capable of dealing with your problems in a rational way. Right now, that feeling is what is protecting you from making any rash decisions, so in a way, it is your friend. You have a lot to deal with and it is perfectly natural to feel confused about who you are and where your life is going.

    That said, not knowing what you are going to do with the rest of your life is not necessarily a bad thing. Most college students go through a stage of disillusionment and confusion, and this is compounded by your life circumstances. People who seem to "have it all figured out" are often not the most fulfilled. My brother-in-law has always been so afraid of making a mistake, or a real decision about his life, that he went immediately to Med school after college (trapped for 4 years, no decision-making required). He is now in his residency (3 more blissful years of not making any life decisions) after which he will be a doc in the Air Force for another 5-10. He also just had a baby, which will keep him on track for a good 18 years. The man is 28 years old and he might as well be 50. He will most likely never see the sunrise drunk, take a huge risk or make a life-altering change. He will never fail in a spectacular fashion only to realize that when you do fail, there comes with it a huge sense of relief that it didn't fuck your life up nearly as much as you thought it would. He will never be free, and he will always operate based on the fear that if he isn't perfect, the world will cease to spin on its axis. I wouldn't trade places with him for all the money in the world.

    This is no way to live. Relax and take time off if you need to in order to find out who you are or who you want to be. Take risks and don't be afraid to fall flat on your face, because when you get up, it's really not as bad as you imagined it would be. Go out and get a tattoo or do something out of character that you always wanted to do but were afraid. Just be safe and remember that this is the only life you have, so try to make it count. You sound like a strong person and I have confidence that you will be O.K.
  8. Kugatsu

    Kugatsu Active Member

    Buddy, if I was any kind of strong, I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be lying down in bed, feeling like there was a stone tablet compressing my chest, making it hard to even breath, I wouldn't be feeling like this. Everything going to be ok? The past 3 years haven't been o.k. At all. Not in the slightest. Why should it be ok any time soon. I really can't deal with this anymore. I'm going to be nothing but alone for the next 5 months and the summer months after that are probably going to be just as lonely since every one of my friends are off living their lives and won't bother to deal with mine, even a little bit. And none of the stupid hug and kiss emotes this site has is going to make me feel any less lonely either. Things always just get worst. Never any better.
  9. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I am not placating you by saying you are strong. I don't do that. If you were weak, you would not be here (as in, alive). The things you have been through are terrible and I would not wish them on my worst enemy. I never thought I was strong (still don't, mostly) until the people in my life made me really look at myself and the things I had been through. Even now, I don't fully believe them.

    Anyway, I never said everything would be O.K.; I said that I believe that YOU will be O.K. There is a big difference here. I have realized in my life that things in general may not be O.K., but that in a twisted little way, I am. Now. For a long time I was so far from O.K. it was ridiculous. Enough about me.

    You have been through some horrendous shit. Give yourself more time to cope. 3 years seems like such a long time, especially when accompanied with the horrible exhaustion of loss and grief. I lost my Father very unexpectedly when I was 16, and I never thought I would even be able to get out of bed again without wanting to just shoot myself in the face. But I did. And I'm glad I held on.

    You at least owe yourself some time to sort it out. I too had my heart broken (shattered is more like it), but time can heal that as well.

    I hate the huggy kissy stuff on this forum too, but I do understand that it can be a source of comfort to others.

    Anyway, enough ranting for me. I just hope you can hang on long enough to make yourself whole again. I believe that you can, for what that's worth.

    PM me if you want.
  10. TG123

    TG123 Well-Known Member

    Hey Kugatsu,

    Thanks for sharing. You've gone through far more than I have so it may not be possible for me to relate to everything you have written. I’m 24, and am in my 6th yr of University. I also had a close friend, someone I was really attached to. She was the closest person to me for a long time, someone I really enjoyed spending time with and could talk to about anything in my life. Someone I went out and did stuff with and who I put my heart into. After a few months she decided not be close friends or even friends anymore. No matter what I did or said- just that's it. No matter what I did or said she didn't want to eventually even talk to me or email me or nothing, like she never knew me.

    I felt like a reject and a loser. I hated myself. I thought of killing myself. Tried once. Tried to shut off all my emotions and not care about myself anymore.

    I believe I would have killed myself had it not been for God, and eventually I turned this problem over to Him. Things have not became 'perfect'. She still doesn't want to be friends. It still hurts, although not as much anymore. I asked Him to help me with this pain, and He is. The feelings of heavy depression and worthlessness have gone away, although I still miss being friends with her. And I sometimes want to be angry towards her and be best friends with her at the same time.

    I know this may sound hard to believe, but things will get better and you will get through this. It's not easy, I know. I also believe that God can help you get through this and He loves you and will help you carry your burdens if you put your faith in Him. You are His beloved, He died on the cross for you.
    And he loves both you and me far more than some people who have not been acting like true friends.

    It was good hearing from you, and thank you for sharing. If you ever want to talk, my email is

    Cristo Vive!
    - Tomasz
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    The things you have described are each in there own right difficult to go through. Each repquires time to grieve endings. There is not set timelimit for the grief to subside. Some people find themselves don greiving in a few monthe s time while others may still be in the grieving process 10 years later. You need to allow yourself the time to grieve what you have lost. It will not happen overnight, but gradually over time. You are right about the possibility of your grades falling because of what was going on. I do not know what it is like where you live as far as gaining financial aid for schooling. If you absolutely cannot afford to go back to school next term, can you find work and maybe save for the following one. Or take a few classes so you don't get out of the swing of thing? Just don't give up on everything because you have had these difficulties. You can figure out what to do next so you can continue on the path you had established for yourself.
  12. Kugatsu

    Kugatsu Active Member

    1)TG123: Sorry but I'm not religious. I believe in god, but frankly, my point of view on god, for a long time, and not just during the past 3 years of crap I've been going through, have lead me to believe that god is just a child who likes to tap on the fish bowl of humanity. Thats all. He does nothing for me, or to me, and all of my faith in "him" will lead me to believing that an imaginary friend can solve my problems. I don't wish to insult your belief. And it was jesus, god's son who died on the cross. Believe what you want to. This is just my point of view.

    2)Gentlelady: I'm not going to sit around and mourn when there's shit that needs to be done. I've really my only choices now is sit around, or find a job. I can't go to another school now that the semester has started and now that we have almost no money. All of the financial aid that I could muster is not enough, and I can't continue to take classes at my current school cause we need to get as much money back as possible.
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