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Contradictory and confusing feelings

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Talia862

Well-Known Member
#1
Suicide has such a hold on me, even now, when I'm more stable on my antidepressants and things are better. I'm out of the worst of the depression. But I still think about suicide though these thoughts are no longer constantly there. Now they come and go.

But it's weird. I really believe I want to live. I have a compromised immune system, and I'm taking all kinds of precautions, all the recommended precautions, to avoid getting sick (I think I can make this reference because it's relevant- I"m explaining why my thoughts are contradictory, why I'm so very confused) . So on the one hand I am actively trying to stay alive and safe. But on the other, I still want to die. It's so confusing. I can be trying so hard to live but at the same time, wanting to kill myself.

Maybe it's a "control" issue- suicide is taking control of your fate, not having a scary, unknown fate. My life is hard. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm uncertain about the future. Maybe the thought of having that kind of control is appealing.

My therapist says it doesn't make sense because my suicidal thoughts are compulsive and come from my illness, She says they aren't really from ME and don't reflect what I truly want. maybe that is true. But why do I feel so tempted sometimes, just to end it? Will the suicidal thoughts win? Will I die by suicide? I don't understand how these suicidal urges can be so strong even now, when things are better.

Though in the past, in the really bad time, they were a constant barrage- every second was a struggle. now they are fleeting. But they keep coming back.

I wish I could be free of them.

I got back a few of the items that I had given my counselor because I needed them, the basic household things, except the one thing I had the strongest feelings about. There was one item I had really, really strong temptations about and I think I'm just not going to get it back. It's too dangerous. I handed over my Amazon account to someone else because I don't want order something I could use to harm myself. (I did that once, but canceled the order before they came) I don't mean to talk about methods. the point I"m trying to make is that I still have things in place to keep myself safe. Limited access to things that can hurt me.

I so don't understand how I can have such suicidal urges but in other contexts, want to live- it doesn't make sense with me.

I think I am obsessed with suicide, and I don't know what to do about it.

Does anyone have any observations or advice? Has anyone else experienced this kind of confusion too?
 

Mymindsmine

Well-Known Member
#2
I was so confused . I wanted to be present but I also wanted to die. I wanted to almost see myself at my funeral to see if anyone would miss me . It’s weird I was like I hate my life Id be better or dead then I was like no screw you haters I’m going to live just to make a mark . I tormented myself for years as in where do I fit, who likes me who doesn’t ,I’m troubled the pain is to much it would be easier if I didn’t feel it and didn’t wake up .: the true reality is why so we feel the need to be accepted by anyone other than ourself. Who gives a shit is we died?’ Most people would fill guilt over how they treated us for us to get to that point. But does it make a lasting memory for those who were not kind to be kinder !dont think so . So therefore was it waste for us to be the one we tried to tell them the message by taking our life. Quite simply I’m not sure . Now personally I’d rather reduce my circle and live my life than try to live to other expectation of me. Quite simply my message is fuck all those families or foe who make us feel not worthy or our own life , screw anyone who make me feel like I don’t dont long . I’d rather have no friends no influences but take my chance at life than try to be someone I am not for others to push me to take my own life/ no thank you ..::: fuck anyone who make us feel like we don’t belong.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
i truly understand what you are going through @Talia862 . i as you probably know suffer chronic illness and pain. like you i really wanted to die because of it. but now usually have only passing thoughts. i think your illness keeps driving those thoughts. and of course not being able to do what you once did is hard. but you want to live and of course fight for the best life possible considering your condition.

people like us that have chronic conditions have to balance our minds. part of us wants to stop the suffering and part wants to live. this is completely normal. suicidal thoughts will probably be with you always. but with a little work you can make them just a passing thought. keep trying to concentrate on the good things in your life. i hope you can keep fighting and enjoying life despite your issues...mike...*hug*shake
 
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