Controlled.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hydrocronik, Sep 9, 2008.

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  1. hydrocronik

    hydrocronik Member

    I have anxiety, depression, and horribly low self esteem. I am unable to take medication for this, because my family believes I will abuse them. So, I smoke marijuana for it, and it helps completely. Since it is illegal, and I still live with my mother, she has caught me several times. And now calls me drug addict. She cuts me down to nothing. When I was younger, I was overweight, she used to squeeze the fat on my stomach as hard as she could until it would hurt. She would call me fat. Tell me I won't be loved. And dad was never there. She has kicked me, slapped me, busted my lip, and has dug her nails into my skin. Yet, she still says she has never physically/emotionally abused me. Our apt. was also robbed this year, so I had to move. So, after I moved I started hearing from friends less and less, now never(only moved 20 min. away).This passed year I have been alone 24/7 in my room with almost no human interaction, besides my family. Anyways, this passed year I've cut myself(as a form of punishment), and have been thinking about suicide alot. Today, it hit me really hard, when mom found my stash. I feel worthless, no one loves me. I just need some sort of assurance that life is worth living..
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi hydrocronik,

    Welcome to the forum :welcome:

    I'm sorry to hear that you have been treated so badly.Is there any way you could go to a doctor secretly to get medication? It has to be better than smoking marijuana. If you can't get medication maybe you would benefit from therapy. Please don't suffer alone. You deserve to be happy and feel loved :arms:
     
  3. hydrocronik

    hydrocronik Member

    I've been in and out of counseling since I was 10. It just sucks. Everytime I hear someone talking, or laughing, I think it's about me. I can't leave the house because of it. No, I don't think I would be able to get the medicine on my own.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I am in the same situation as you. I don't leave my home at all. I'm too paranoid. How old are you?
     
  5. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    i understand how much an abusive influence can detramentally effect your attempts at recovery. marajuana, like alchohol, doesnt nessisarily help as much as it masks and mutes the symptoms. it would be much better if you could find some other form of treatment. some areas have 'free clinic' type places for mental health that wouldnt need insurence. or maybe your area has a support group you could go to.
    ultimately i'd love to see you get out of your mother's house. sometimes just getting away from the negative influence can allow you to make great steps in your recovery on your own. check your options, see what you can find.
     
  6. hydrocronik

    hydrocronik Member

    Does age matter on these forums? 18+?
     
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I think you have to be 12+

    I only asked you what you are because if you are 18 or over you really are entitled to get medication regardless of what your family says or thinks. Maybe you could get a doctor to visit you at home.
     
  8. hydrocronik

    hydrocronik Member

    No, i'm not. I'm 16. That's why.
     
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