Controlling Parents

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jjjoooggg2, May 28, 2009.

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  1. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    I don't know how much sympathy I will get. In brief, I am 39 years old. I've wanted to move out of my parents house since I was 18. But my parents want me to be their employee til they die. I want to move to another city. They don't want me to get married or move out of their house. I will be 65 before I can live my own life. I wanted to be an engineer or teacher but they don't want me to. I have no pursuit of happiness or freedom.
     
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    You will always get support from me and I am sure other here. Parents are great but they too can cause pain. Sounds like they are doing a guilt trip on you or something like that. Are you able to have any independence? Well I am around if you need someone to listen or a pep talk :+]
     
  3. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    He does a guilt trip, but more like how dare you consider doing anything else. We've had explosive arguments in public and private. My father is a selfish man. He wants me to live his life even though he wished he had made different decisions. He wants me to make his mistakes. I came very close to committing suicide a year ago. They talked me out of it. Sometimes I wished that I never answered the call.
     
  4. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm dealing with my dad (who is a narcissist) right now. My parents were exactly the same - wanted me home with them for them to control and for me to live their lives for them. My mom died (god bless - dad destroyed her, too) but my dad is still controlling my life, and I'm 44. He didn't for years, though the damage they did to me and my self-worth when I was little was enough to screw me up for life. I was better off when I wasn't around him, but now that he's old and I'm back taking care of him, all of the old feelings are back with a vengeance. He does the guilt-trip thing, too, and manipulates in many, many ways.

    I'm sorry you're parents are doing this to you. It sucks. It keeps "us" in a constant state of "being a child". It also proves that even when you're "all grown up" that some things just don't change - like parents. Its just up to you to get away from them, and take the consequences of it (good and negative). I'd do it again, but my dad has this habit of calling me in as a missing person every time I try and get out from underneath him (and money buys anything).

    At this point it's him or me.
     
  5. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    Even our financial advisor's assistant told me that it's "very hard" to talk to my father. It only takes me a few minutes to talk to cops or employees about an issue. But it takes up to an hour to talk to my father. I want to inform him of problems within the business and I feel like I'm being interrogated.

    My friends have acquainted with him once and don't understand what he is like. They wouldn't believe or understand. There is a website about controlling parents. Google controlling parents.
     
  6. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    Brighid Moon,

    It is great to meet someone who realizes the problem.
     
  7. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    People find talking to my dad very difficult as well, and most people don't see what's going on for what it is. This is all part of the narcissistic personality disorder. Most people see him as perhaps "difficult" or "cranky" but no one sees or believes the actual manipulation that goes on because he's so good with those who are not his victims. For his ego to thrive he has to have everyone believe he is perfect, no matter what. But you should hear him behind people's backs - even those he calls his 'friends'. He's vicious. But I get to hear it because I'm the 'victim of the day'. He also puts this other woman who isn't his daughter (but for some reason likes him - I suppose due to his ability to be so charming to others who aren't his victims) up on a pedistal and I get to hear how she's so bloody marvelous in comparison to me. That's nothing new. When I was little it was a litany of 'why can't you be like so-n-so'. So meh. Yeah, I totally get it. Totally. And many others won't. Most won't probably. Or get the psychological abuse and manipulation and the entire enmeshment involved in something like this. But you're not alone. Seriously.
     
  8. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Also, upon thought, I have to keep reminding myself (and I forget to do so) that when a person cares about another person, they put their own desires aside and only wish whatever will make that other person happy (even if they may not agree with it). That's what real love is. Anything else is control, and control is the narcissist's tool.

    For example, if my dad was capable of true altruism and truly wanted to help me, he would have done so when I needed it, when he first offered - not led me on a year of "dangle the carrot" then not "given in" (followed through! it was his offer in the first place) until the situation was so dire it brought me to the hospital and to a position where he has utter control over me again after 30 years.

    That's the difference between a real parent and the narcissistic variety. If your parents really cared about you, they'd want you to live your life and have what you want (of course not if it hurts you). They wouldn't try and control you with guilt trips and other forms of manipulation. Again, those are the narcissist's tools.
     
  9. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    My father is 77 and mother is 68. My mother is a wild card. I don't know how much freedom she will give me. I am supposed to have control of the business after my father passes away. Hopefully, everything will run smoothly after his death. I have to plan I guess.
     
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