Convention Revelations

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Sep 16, 2007.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Right now I just want to eat a gun.

    Despite having been at an anime convention I am depressed as hell. Because being at this con made me realize something. I am just being a lie. I have to much desire to be seen as cool to not lie. God I suck, my "Friends" both go on and on about how much they hate the crazy weird culture that watching anime has produced. I go right along with them. Yet in reality I REALLY REALLY want to be right there with those people. I just lack the ability to not be hated by these people. Despite being my peers they will hate me like everyone else. So if I went up and just joined in on their antics I know I would be shunned.

    Knowing that I live this lie everyday makes me wanna die. Yet I can't because I lack the courage to do it. Just like I lack the courage to do so many other things.

    Then even if one of these people was immune to the hate pheremon I produce, in the end I would only hurt them. Because I am a terrible terrible friend. I lack the knowledge to comfort people. I also lack the decency to be sensetive to what people might think. And so despite what people might do for me I will always make it seem like I hate them even if I really don't....

    God I really suck.
  2. zaraki

    zaraki Active Member

    I love anime and for a while, I considered this my downfall. During my freshman year of high school, I was one of those people who talked all about anime all day long. I was shunned because of this. People thought I was crazy. People hated me. And worst of all, I felt alone.

    Later on, I was finally able to find some people who actually liked anime too, but because of my freshman year, I became a recluse and talked about anime only when others talked about it. I hid my otaku crazyness but gradually, I didn't care about hiding it anymore. I was able to act like myself...sometimes. :tongue:

    Like you, I go to anime conventions as well. Usually, twice a year. I know about this crazy weird culture that you're talking about. Maybe those friends aren't the right friends for you. You shouldn't have to hide your inner feelings about anime. If you want to join in the crazyness of the anime culture, go ahead. Don't hide it. Or simply tell your friends what you're feeling. I know its hard to bring out your courage, I was one of those people and I still am at times, but you shouldn't have to hide what you believe in. :wink:

    I don't know if this helps, but if you need someone to talk to you about the anime life, I'm here. Feel free to pm me if you're having difficulties. :smile:
  3. Shyfear

    Shyfear Well-Known Member

    Hey forgotten man,

    I don't if I will be able to help but I'm willing to try.
    I dont see why you would be shunned for liking Anime. Who decides what's cool anyway? It is just an interest, or a hobby. Your friends will accept you for who you are. Anime does not describe who you are. They should see you no differently. Maybe you should bring it up slowly. Like when a friend says something mean about Anime, or people who like it, stick up for them! Say something like "well the storylines are actually very interesting" or something better, I'm sorry I really know nothing about Anime! But do you kind of see what I'm trying to say?

    Perhaps you can try to befriend someone else with more similar interests and befriend them? I know that it may be hard to befriend someone, but it may turn out great!

    I'm sorry to hear that you want to die. I do understand your feelings and how social situations can provoke them. I think you need to find something to hold on to, something that you enjoy, it wont let you down like people do.

    Why is it that you think you are a terrible friend? Because you cant give sympathy? You are in pain, you are not capable to give comfort because you are not comforted. It isn't your fault. I don't believe you are a terrible friend. Some people just come off as cold or not caring. I'm actually one of those people. You may be also. But that doesn't mean you dont care about people.

    I hope this helps a bit. Please PM if you ever have to talk to anyone. I'm glad to listen.
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well I am a bit torne sometimes. You see on one side I am hurt that I cannot be who I want to be. But these friends present a dark sense of humor that a lot of anime fans lack. And I prefer to be around people who I can say moderatly offensive things too.

    Anime people just hate me in general I have way to much fucking dignity for them. Plus all most are like 14 or 15 and all older than that would hate my view on life. I get screwed either way.

    Trust me these guys are huge anime fans too. I just have a hard time defending the culture to them.

    And like I said before, people hate me because they cannot control it. I could not befriend the stuffed animals in my bed much less a person.

    No I am a bad friend because I tell my friends that I need time away from them. A good friend always likes having his friends around. A good friend does not get sick of his friends for long. A good friend does not build an alternete persona to keep his friends with him. A real friend would know how to comfort his friends despite his own pain. A real friend coudl come forth with his feelings. I am just a POS stuck to their shoes.
  5. Shyfear

    Shyfear Well-Known Member

    I dont think that needing time away from your friends makes you a bad person. I cant be around my friends very much either. Some people just dont need the extra social attention, and that's okay. My friends are actually pretty awful and judgemental. I used to go along with what they said but after my sister died I decided that I wasn't taking anyone's shit anymore. Now if they say something offensive I say something about it. They do a lot of things that piss me off and I have to get away from them often. It's normal. Everyone need's time to themselves.
    How are you to know how to comfort someone if you've never been comforted? Everyone deals with emotions differently. Some can release them easily and some can't.
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well I do because my friend is in need of comfort. Mainly because he cannot deal with being alone. Yet I don;t want to be around him.

    And I have tried not taking crap. It is the same as taking crap, everyone hates you.
  7. zaraki

    zaraki Active Member

    Alot of the anime fans I know are older than 15, most of them in college. There are many different types of people and many different types of their view on life. Not everyone would hate your view. Sure, many people would probably have an opinion on it, but there are different view out there and some anime fans would agree with you.

    I need time away from my friends too. In fact, sometimes I find them absolutely repulsive one day and I love them the next day. It's not that you're not a bad friend, you just prefer some time to yourself. I'm like that alot. Like Shyfear said, "Some people just dont need the extra social attention." :wink:

    As for taking/not taking crap, sometimes it's better to let them know what it's like through your eyes. Try to explain to them in your perspective. Maybe they'll stop giving you the crap if they know it hurts you.
  8. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    First off, they won't hate you if you simply state your opinion. If they do, that's fucked up. I for example am against abortion (a much more polarizing issue than anime) and yet I have conversations with people all the time who are pro-choice about it, and it's fine. One of my really good friends is pro-choice. My advice to you is not to dwell on it. I state my opinion, but I also tell them the other side, which is that I would never want someone to be uncomfortable around me because of my beliefs because I am not a judgemental person. Your friends will understand.

    Also, regarding needing time alone...I need LOTS. But, if a friend really needs to talk because they are going through hard times, try being there for them. Of course you need time alone, but helping them may help you to feel better about yourself. Under regular circumstances, I would call the friend and say something like, "Hey, you wanna come over and watch "X" movie next Tuesday?" This sets the expectation that you will be unavailable until then, so while you are making plans and being pro-active with your friendship, you are also setting a subtle boundary. If you set the right expectations with your friends in the right way, you will be happier and they will not be offended.

    I hope this helps...if only a bit.
  9. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well I just don't meet people then i guess. But I know that they would all hate me. It is not something they can control, though. So I don't blame them. And since they already hate me they would not like my beliefs either.

    I have found that they do not care, what it is like through my eyes. Because they are spending so much time repressing their hatred of me that they cannot think straight. But I understand I am glad they repress their hatred of me.

    Again people hate me because I know I emit pheromones that make people hate me. It is just weird, it is not that they are doing because they want too. But they still hate me none the less.

    I do not like playing those subtle mind manipulation games. I would just rather tell it as it is. In fact I hate playing those games with people and I hate people who play those games with me. Of course I never had friends in my life so I did not learn how to set those boundries as a kid.
  10. Cestmoi

    Cestmoi Well-Known Member

    How did you come by that pheromone theory?
  11. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Simple we emit chemicals that affect other peoples minds. Since this is something we cannot control I figured that was the reason why people never liked me. Because I emit a pheromone that stimulates anger and hatred. Much like a decent person would emit a pheromone that produces attraction or "Love"

  12. Cestmoi

    Cestmoi Well-Known Member

    Ah. And still according to this theory, you don't believe you can change to become a decent person and emit pheromones that produce attraction and love?
  13. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Exactly I am fucked I cannot control what pheromones I emit. Well I guess I emit those pheromones too... the love and attraction ones. But they are seriously over powered by the hate ones. It is not something I can control. I am trying to produce more love pheromones. But I am failing, it seems that as I improve myself the more hatred pheromones fall out me
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