Right now I just want to eat a gun. Despite having been at an anime convention I am depressed as hell. Because being at this con made me realize something. I am just being a lie. I have to much desire to be seen as cool to not lie. God I suck, my "Friends" both go on and on about how much they hate the crazy weird culture that watching anime has produced. I go right along with them. Yet in reality I REALLY REALLY want to be right there with those people. I just lack the ability to not be hated by these people. Despite being my peers they will hate me like everyone else. So if I went up and just joined in on their antics I know I would be shunned. Knowing that I live this lie everyday makes me wanna die. Yet I can't because I lack the courage to do it. Just like I lack the courage to do so many other things. Then even if one of these people was immune to the hate pheremon I produce, in the end I would only hurt them. Because I am a terrible terrible friend. I lack the knowledge to comfort people. I also lack the decency to be sensetive to what people might think. And so despite what people might do for me I will always make it seem like I hate them even if I really don't.... God I really suck.