Coping with a break-up

[dell1989]

Me and my boyfriend of 3.5 years split up three weeks ago. We have been in a long distance relationship for a little while and wanted this resolved, he wanted me to move down south to be with him but my problem was that he works in a bar, is constantly into his bank overdraft and isn't in a stable position financially to support me whilst I look for a new job down there. I live further up north and have a stable well-paid job, the bar that he works in have made it quite clear that it's possible for him to get a transfer up here to the north but for whatever reason, he's always said he would never move up here.

Basically we split up because of money issues. It wasn't a nasty break up, there were tears on both sides, the love was and is still there. We left things on him giving me a kiss goodbye and saying he would try to call me that night. Three weeks have passed and I've not heard a word from him - why is this?

I've sent him an e-mail or two (he hasn't had a phone for the past three months cos he can't afford the bill) but no response. I know he's been online a couple of times in the past three weeks cos he's updated his Facebook status. I'm going crazy, I feel like I need to talk to him cos I still love him and miss him - I've considered just packing my bag, forgetting about work and make the move down south because money doesn't buy you happiness.

I've gone out with my friends etc to try and take my mind off things but every day I still find myself thinking about him and beating myself up about things cos I feel like I've done something wrong with him not contacting me, even though I know I've done nothing wrong. I feel like I'm being punished.

How do I cope? I'm finding all this very hard cos I've suffered from depression for many years, attempted suicide on a couple of occasions - this man was my everything and now I feel very empty and lost.

Thank you

 

[total eclipse]

Of course you feel a lost you feel abandoned but in time you will find someone else One who will not ignore you when you try to contact them. This person sound like has moved on and i hope you now can do the same It will take time for the pain to lessen but it will and i do hope you continue going out with your friends so you can meet up with someone else who will treat you like you should be treated hugs

 

[Mikeintx]

I would imagine it is less painful for him to cut off all communication. I don't think he is doing it to try and hurt you at all, he is probably just trying to cope with things the best way he knows how.

 

[the_only_one]

hes not ignoring you, its just what usn guys do. when we get hurt that badly, we typicaly try to block everything out and move on, he still loves you and id bet everything that he wants you back, but he is to afraid of beig rejected so he doesnt want to even try.

 

[dell1989]

I can't accept that it's over. He posted on his Facebook status that someone had stolen his coat, I know that he loved that coat so I went out tonight and bought him a replica. I plan to send it to him through the post with a little note saying that on his word, I will move down South.

I know I shouldn't be doing this and learn to accept that it's over but I just can't. He was my everything, a huge factor in my life and I can't bear to think of him with another woman.

:-(

Thanks for your replies.

 

[the_only_one]

i dont know where south is, but try to run it to him,the personal touch would be tice,

 

[WildCherry]

It's true that money doesn't buy happiness, but you do need money to live. I'm not ssure an impulsive move is the best idea (although I seriously understand how tempting it can be).

As much as it hurts (and I know that it does hurt, a LOT), you can only do so much. You can continue to try and make contact with him, to let him know you're still interested and would like to work things out.

I do think maybe taking the coat to him might be a good idea. Maybe seeing him face-to-face will at least give you some closure, and some idea on whether the relationship can still work.

 

[Isabel]

Hi Dell,

I think you made the right decision to stick to your guns on being sensible about the money issue. I think in the long run, you would have regretted to abandon everything for him. I tend to believe that if he had been serious about the relationship, he would have seen the logic of moving North with you because the prospects of a better future for both of you were clearly pointing in that direction. Asking you to make all the compromises was unfair, considering the facts. That being said, it must be very difficult for you to follow through. I would say for the time being, don't second guess yourself and try to avoid at all cost to contact him. When somebody is not willing to give up equally to be with you, its just not worth investing in that person. Clearly for him, things are fine as long as you take all the risks. In the long run, I don't think anybody can be happy with somebody so self-centered. Both must be in the relationship for each other as equal partner. Force yourself to go out, be with friends and family. If the temptation is too big, grab your coat, go see a movie, clean the bathroom with a toothbrush, anything to get your mind off it. As the time passes, it will become easier to accept. For what its worth, he is the big loser in all this. Be proud of yourself and trust your judgment, you made a tough call. And be kind to yourself and pamper yourself. Don't buy him a coat anymore! Buy yourself the nicest pair of shoes, or the prettiest clothes you can afford, or whatever is your fancy.

If he truly loves you and wants you back, he will contact you and you will be in a much better position to negotiate living arrangements that will benefit both of you. If you contact him because you are desperate to have him back, he will have the upper ground and wont feel that he has to give up anything to be with you. You lady, are not a end of season bargain he can have for nothing! And he is not such a prize you have to sacrifice everything to get. So, admitting he wants you back and is amenable to reason, make the bugger sweat so he wont ever pull that kind of stunt. That is if after crying for weeks, or months, you still want him back. And don't kid yourself, money is a very big issue for any couple. Much more than candlelight suppers. Those who tells that it is not are lying. We all need enough to be able to pay for the basics of life. And stressing every month that you wont have enough to pay the rent, while buddy is spending the grocery money on drugs, toys and bars, has been the downfall of many, many couples. One of my gf lost literally all her savings over hubby craze for stupid investments, only to run away with her daughter in tow when she started fearing he would beat her kid on the top of it. Not a pleasant scenario. It took her years to make it back to where she was before her marriage.

 

[dell1989]

Well I did it, I sent the coat to him in the post with a little note saying "Wouldn't want you to get cold now, would we?"

Yesterday he sent me a message on Facebook (the first time he's spoken to me since the split happened) saying:

"Thank you for the coat. I really don't know why you have done what you have and don't know if I should accept it. It is a lovely gesture, but I dont think I deserve it or that you should have done what you have. Once again, thank you"

Hmph. :argh:

 

[total eclipse]

You have open a line of communication that is a good thing. Just let him know you care about him is a start hugs