Coping with failing...

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by markc, Aug 8, 2007.

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  1. markc

    markc Active Member

    According to my shrink, the four most common contributing factors to attempted suicides are 1) male, 2) over 50 years old, 3) health issues, and 4) previous suicide attempts. Guess how many of those describe me. If you guessed "all four", go to the head of the class.

    Things are going (sort'a) better for me, but not great. It's been over a month since my suicide. (Note that I didn't say "attempted". I was GONE until they used an AED on me.) Since then, I've switched meds and am seeing two different mental health professionals. I should be looking forward. Yet mostly, I still want to die.

    All the time I spend with the woman I love, it shreds me inside, because I know that she's chosen another man and all she wants from me is my "friendship". She doesn't know what I did, and (if I have my way) she'll never know. I'm impaled on the horns of a dilemma and it's bleeding me out. To not see her is torture. To SEE her is a constant reminder of what I can't have. Since the other man is also a friend, I've had to push away all of the friends and activities that have been the core of my social universe for years. The isolation is excruciating.

    I can't live like this.

    - Mark
     
  2. Waugriff

    Waugriff Active Member

    I know your pain more than you know, and sadly I dont know what to say. I am enduring alot of the same thing, except mine has turned into a monster.
     
  3. lilpinagurl

    lilpinagurl Member

    i know your pain .. and i have a 2 1/2 year old daughter with the guy i love so much.. and he wants to be with someone else... it hurts very much.. i started counseling also...
     
  4. markc

    markc Active Member

    Lilpinagurl, I'm so glad to hear that you have begun counseling. I'm seeing two different mental health professionals (one psychiatrist; one psychologist) and they are both (in different ways) helping me develop coping skills.

    I'm still seeing the woman I love, and I'm learning to accept what little intimacy she shares with me without being devastated that I don't get more. The bizarre thing is, now that I'm not torturing myself by her enforced distance, she seems to want to get closer to me. It's almost like gender role-reversal; I play hard to get and she tries harder to get me. However, I have to be careful about deluding myself with this; she is a consummate tease and I can never tell how much of her behavior is out of genuine affection, and how much is just "using" me when I conveniently handy and the guy she's really with isn't.

    For now, I'm just taking steps to protect myself emotionally and playing it one day at a time. I guess time will tell.

    Peace,

    - Mark
     
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