Cornered....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Mar 16, 2011.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I will just copy here what I have written on my blog but I really need some support at the moment....

    I feel as though I have been cornered.

    Basically I went to counsellor today and she said she wanted to talk to me about something.

    She has spoken to her directors about me and what I do and they feel that I am too vulnerable to be working/studying what I am doing at the moment. I can't tell them to stick it as it will put me in a worse position. Basically because I am training to be a social worker they feel I am too vulnerable to be working with people in that position at the moment. So I have a choice. Either I take a break from studies for a while or they will intervene by going to NHS and reporting me. If they do that then it could screw everything up career wise in the future. If I take a break then it could still screw it all up. I have never mentioned anything to uni about my problems. They could quite easily and turn round to me and say, you never told us and because of that we don't think you should be on the course at all.

    The course and the placement I love. They do make me happy. I am happiest when I am supporting other people and feel as though I have purpose and direction in my life.It wouldn't just be a matter of taking a few weeks off as of placements etc. I would either not be able to continue with the course at all, or I would have to wait another year before I could do anything.

    I am screwed either way. I have asked Sam if there is anyway I can approach uni, tell them the position I am in that I see a counsellor, I suffer with depression and that the issues that have been raised in counselling are a bit tough for me as I have never discussed them. Explain to them that I am capable of doing the job, and doing it well. As I have been. And that I want to continue with it all etc. And then see where they stand. I have to wait for Sam to get back to me.

    I feel as though that in seeking help and trying to deal with the things I have made things worse.

    It's just reinforced my issues of trust. How can I be honest with people when it has such negative consequences. There was no way I could then tell her about the other stuff. I know I am bad at the moment. But, the course is what is keeping me going. It makes me happy. It gives me control and I keep it separate from me. It's the other person inside me. I can understand what they are saying...if I was a risk to other people. I'm not. I am doing really well on it. I am a positive thing in the peoples lives that I am working with. I don't let my own issues come in to it at all.

    It's such a positive thing for me.

    Another concern I have is if it is taken away. 1 - obs the people I am working with are going to be left in the lurch. But what about me. Where does it leave me. How many times have I said it's making me have some control. It is keeping me going. Now I could understand people may think that's all well and good but at what cost to the clients. There is none! I can do the job, I do it well.

    I am screwed what ever happens I think!
     
  2. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    This is what you need to tell them. Make them understand that your course and placement are not affected by your own personal issues.

    My uni course is not really affected by my mental health issues in this way, but I work in care part time, and like you have never told them my issues, because while I am at work they just aren't issues. I am a different person at work, and am very rarely affected by my problems at work.

    Try to make them understand how important this course and placement is. You do know that things are pretty bad at the moment, which shows that you are rational about it and can therefore be trusted.

    I wish you all the luck in the world, because you deserve this chance to be happy.

    Mim
     
  3. loser

    loser Well-Known Member

    A lot of people working in NHS have mental health problems themselves and they are often the best and the most dedicated. Your career should not be under threat. You should be okay.
     
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    This is the email I got a couple of hours after the appointment with Sam.

    Dear GP,

    As you are aware, we are supporting Sam with her concerns over your working with vulnerable people. We have a duty of care to intervene if we feel that someone's mental health is placing either them, or others, at risk. As you have been self harming in such a severe and unpredictable manner that would leave you physically and psychologically impaired, and are still working with vulnerable people, we feel strongly that this is an area of risk - for you and for them.

    We urge you to consider a fair and responsible decision about your work, and take the time out from this situation to ensure that you are safe and well enough in the future to undertake such work.

    We hope that you will give this serious consideration; we are here to support you, however, it is essential that we uphold our duty of care and in your current profession/training we are sure you will appreciate this matter with integrity.

    Best Wishes,
    The Directors.
     
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i commented over at your blog but wanted to answer here as well.

    you are going to be a great social worker. you are just having a rough patch.

    loads of nurses, social workers, ems workers and so on have mental health issues. doctors, too. it's just a matter of school knowing that you are taking good care of yourself. if you can honestly answer that you are working through this stuff in therapy to the best of your ability then your school should give you a chance.

    is it a for sure that they will boot you? can you take an advocate to any meetings you have? someone who will help you make your case?

    sending a big hug
     
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    hi,

    im sorry to hear all of this for you. it would be preferable if you could talk to them at uni, i agree comletely with what dazzle said. be upfront, explain the situation etc.

    there are a lot of people in the mental health field who also have had struggles, sometimes that encourages them into said field.

    i wish you the best, let us know how it goes.
     
  7. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I am going to lie to counselling people and say that I can't get in to uni until the 28th. That way I can speak to my GP and Psychiatrist and get them on side and get a fit note. I'll go to uni and say they think this but I don't agree and nor does my GP and here is a fit note to show it. Waiting to hear back from Sam today.

    I know if they have their concerns around this type of thing they have to do something and if someone else was in my position I would be saying to them it's what they have to do. But, I can't see it like that. I feel like I have really struggled to be open. There is stuff I have never told anyone and I do actually speak to someone and it feels as though it has back fired and what I am feeling is wrong. I am going to fight this. I am not giving up without a bloody good fight. Yeah I feel crap and think about suicide a lot. But, I am bloody good at what I do, I don't pose any risks as I leave my baggage at the door. On placement and at uni my issues aren't issues so no one is effected. In pulling me it makes things worse. It leaves others in a shit position as of the work I have already done with them. And what about me. I enjoy this and it keeps me going. And there is no cost in that.
     
  8. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Hi. I only have my iPhone for access right now and I keep losing my signal! I will respond properly this evening.
    What are you doing for the rest of today - can you keep busy?
    I don't want to sound patronising but I really am thinking about you.
    Catch up with you later. X
     
  9. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I've gone in to placement as i plan on completing it. I am fine doing it. X
     
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I don't know if this helps or not..My therapist was just like us.. She was depressed, suicidal, her self esteem was so low she was prostituting herself..One day she said enough..She went to school and became a therapist.. This makes her a good one because shes been in the ditches and really understands how someone feels..
     
  11. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I'm not kidding myself am I? I've just written a long blog which has articulated my feelings about all this but it is making me doubt myself all of this.
     
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