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Could I have BPD? (long)

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by feathers, Nov 5, 2010.

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  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I supposedly have 7 of 9 of the diagnosis points, but I think the whole idea of abandonment isn't really an issue for me. And as far as I am aware, that's one of the major tell tale signs. However...

    "Unstable and intense relationships with alternating extremes of love and hate?"
    I definitely experience this. I have a close friend who sometimes is my best friend, and sometimes I can't stand him. It happens a lot; people who I am close to, boyfriends, close friends, sometimes I am really mean and horrible to them, for no real reason. Or I completely overreact to things that they do, and I'd say I'm overly critical of them. I get stupidly upset over things that aren't worth being that upset over. Recently I broke up with my boyfriend and slept with a close friend, thinking I was done with my boyfriend, but it was an impulsive decision, and I missed him, so now I am back with him.

    "An unstable self-image or sense of self?"
    Either I am extremely confident, or I hate myself, to the extent that my boyfriend thought I was bipolar (he didn't really know what bipolar was, though). Often I will hate myself to the point where I just want to die, sometimes I am confident to the point where I believe I can do and achieve anything, and then I can just crash back to self hatred immediately.

    "Impulsive, self-destructive behavior?"
    I self harm through cuts, I bite and hit myself sometimes.

    "Repeated suicidal thoughts or behaviors or self-injurious behavior?"
    Self harm, suicidal thoughts when I go through a bad period of depression. Periods of depression last 3 months on average and are very bad.

    "Frequent, intense mood swings or emotional overeactions?"
    As I mentioned before, overreact to things, like if my boyfriend says something that upsets me, I freak out completely and can cry for hours. If an ex girlfriend adds him to facebook or something, I can cry for hours. Stupid things like that. Overconfidence to self hatred, always one of the two. Always either extremely happy or extremely miserable.

    "Chronic feelings of emptiness?"
    Sometimes lie for hours feeling absolutely nothing. It is very difficult to pull me out of these moods.

    "Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger?"
    Can get angry easily, used to have a big problem with anger and was sent to a psychologist because of it.

    "Temporary episodes of paranoia or loss of contact with reality?"
    I'm a very paranoid person, especially in relationships. Whereas normal people are probably only paranoid about people they have a reason to be paranoid about, I am paranoid about every female that talks to my boyfriend. Every one.

    "having an unstable sense of identity, such as thinking differently about yourself depending on who you are with"
    Very true. At points in my life I have been convinced I wanted a sex change, currently I am convinced I want a baby even though before this randomly came up, I did not want children throughout my life. I often don't know who I am, my idea of what I want to do as a career changes drastically. I currently want to drop out of college and have a baby - this is very drastic and something I definitely would never consider normally.

    "People with borderline personality disorder have high rates of other mental health related problems, such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders and substance misuse (drugs or alcohol)."
    Suffer from depression, currently suffer from anxiety but don't usually. Have turned to alcohol in the past and am close to trying weed in order to give me a break from the constant depression and stress I feel.

    "Some people with BPD may find themselves having a series of unstable and intense relationships, or clinging too long to damaging relationships, perhaps because of feeling insecure, alone or lacking self-worth."
    Lack self worth sometimes, I do hate being alone. Since my first relationship at 13, I have had 9 boyfriends, lasting up to 2 years even though that relationship was particularly damaging and my self esteem was destroyed and I felt worthless, but I didn't want to leave him because my feelings for him were very intense. It is very uncommon for me not to be in a relationship, and 3 months is the longest that I have not been in a relationship in these 5 years. And even during those three months, there is always someone I am close to who I could probably get into a relationship with quite easily.

    As I've stated earlier, I have had sexual relationships impulsively, the guy in question isn't the only person I have had sex with almost randomly.

    "People with BPD have a strong need to feel accepted, heard and understood."
    I absolutely cannot stand the idea of not being accepted. I don't know why. If people don't like me or seem to not make an effort to talk to me or whatever, it upsets me a lot, even if I don't know them that well. I wonder what's wrong with me and my confidence is affected.

    "They need a sense of safety; for instance consistent people and places where they can become attached while working through their difficulties."

    I often find that I am with my current boyfriend because he offers me consistency, he looks after me whilst I am depressed and helps me through it. This has been the case for any boyfriend I have ever had whilst I have been depressed.

    I also take criticism and insults very personally and they can have an enormous effect on my mood and self esteem. Not being taken seriously is also a major trigger for me and I have avoided doctors in the past who have not taken me seriously.

    I do not fear abandonment although I always fear that my partner will fall for someone else because I am not good enough for them. And fear that they will leave me. I guess this is a little bit of an abandonment fear but it is not anything drastic. I always worry about my partner flirting or even talking to other girls more than fearing that they will leave me.

    Sorry this is so long, thank you to anyone who reads and responds.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 5, 2010
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The only person who can truly diagnose you is a professional okay There are so many diagnosis out there and only a professional eye and ears will be able to discriminate which on of those you have. So please for your sake go get professioanlly diagnosed so you can get the proper treatment :hugtackles::hugtackles:
  3. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I don't know how to do that. The doctor referred me to a psychiatrist not long ago, at least I thought they were going to, but it was a psych nurse at the community mental health team, who assessed me then referred me to depression management which could take up to a year. So god knows what I'm going to do now.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    okay tell your doctor you need to see psych doc now okay that is the person who can properlly diagnose you. You regular doctor can diagnose too for depression pnurse can help with your symptoms but not really diagnose that isup to a doctor to do.
  5. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Thank you, I have to go back to my doctor anyway for a check up with my meds. I might mention it to him, but I have a very big fear of not being taken seriously by doctors, it puts my self esteem right down. But I will try.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i know that feeling make sure you are very clear in that you want to see a pdoc soon okay you want to have a professional help If he does not take you seriously don't leave the office until he does just state that you are concerned and you wouldlike a referal as soon as possible get the nurse there to make it before you leave If your doctor does not take you seriously then time for a new doctor okay Make it clear you need help take care and i hope you find the help you are asking for.
  7. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your help
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