Last night, for the first time in several years, I went out to celebrate the new year. And boy did I make up for the lack of celebration over the last few years. I went with my friend to London and danced all night to old skool drum and bass and stuff like that. I really had a fantastic night. But, to enhance it, I took 5 ecstacy tablets, which, were great, even by todays weak standards. However, if ever I had suicidal feelings, feelings of dread for the future, worries about getting older (only 13 months to the big 30), anxiety about being single at the moment, anxieties about not meeting women, hopelessness, despair and depression, it is today. Could it just be a comedown? I haven't eaten literally anything for 27 hours. In those 27 hours I had two pints of beer, 3 whisky and cokes, 1 brandy and coke, a triple red bull and vodka, 7 bottles of VK and 5 ecstacy tablets. Yes, maybe that is the reason for my very sad negative feelings today. Just wanted to get that out, normally I'm a very good boy! It is as if my feelings about life, and my fears and anxieties are really enhanced today. I feel like ending it all seriously. I won't but lately the fantasy of suicide has really really taken hold of me. I have always had really intense emotions that overwhelm me. Even silly stuff such as seeing a baby wrapped up warm, will reduce me to tears at the picture of innocence. I mean, for fuck sake, how many other 28 year old men cry at something like that? They're either busy raising children, or building their way up the corporate ladder, or sleeping with lots of women. Something else which overwhelms me. I don't like to sleep with lots of women at all. I don't sleep with lots of women. But I have this intense feeling I'm missing out by not trying to sweet talk them into bed. But I don't want to. Its false and self serving to do that. Sex for me is something special between two people. Despite some earlier activity at a swingers club which was short lived, I have never done that. Seeing 18 year olds makes me sad and envious, I wish I could get the last 10 years back, and time really is running out. My youth is almost over it seems. For some reason I'm just not cool with things. I have seen a counsellor for over a year, it ended last year and I haven't been for some time. But I am going back for more, but not counselling. I'm going up a notch to psyciatric help. I just break down all the time. I shouldn't be. I'm single, I have no dependants, relatively good shape and relatively good looks, I'm healthy, both my parents are alive and healthy. I have a very good friend with an extremely tight bond, that probably isn't going to go away. I have some cool plans for this year coming, but I'm overwhelmed constantly. I cry at work, I worl on my own at night time, so I can get away with it. I don't even know why I'm writing this, just to get it out I suppose. I had 3 horrible breakups one after the other. All in 18 months. Just as I got over one, I would meet another and then break up. All 3 of them broke my heart in two and have left me with very bad self esteem issues. The first one was truly awful. I was off work initially for two whole months and became a skeleton. I'm talking about that type of hurt. The worst type of hurt. I don't mean to be bitter, but I find it a bit hard to get over. Will it happen the next time too? I'm fucking put off by it. Due to being hurt in that way 3 times in a row, in a relatively short space of time has severely knocked my self worth and self image. The girls all had deep emotional problems of their own, but I have never really had a taste of anything true from any of my girlfriends really. I've never known really true affection. Yet, I'm affectionate as a person. I thrive on affection, but never ever seem to get it. My ultimate attraction is to cold nasty bitches. I seem to get almost orgasmic being around cold faced bitches. Yet, I crave affection, which you will never get from these types of women. Nice girls bore the hell out of me, yet, I know they are the best ones for safety. Being hurt from romantic love will drive you crazy. Especially if you are an intensely feeling sensitive person. Its too much. This life is too much. If there is no romance, there is the fear, real fear, there will never be any. When you do get it, there is real fear it will go. Its one of the few things in life that makes life truly worth living. Damned if you do/are damned if you don't/aren't. I'm just rambling. In a very weird place today. I just cried because dinner smells so good cooking. Must be the ecstacy. The older I get, the more I'm cracking up.