Could never function on a human level

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Obsessive, Jan 27, 2015.

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  1. Obsessive

    Obsessive Well-Known Member

    Even when I was little, humans seemed too alien and complex to fathom. I haven't grown up at all since then and now that I'm a child burdened with adult expectations I realize that without even a basic level of human functioning life can never be fulfilling because I'm not a part of the human experience. Every concept connected to humanity is something I lack.

    No concept of beauty. Everyone is always seeing something I don't. To me, a mountain is just a mountain.

    No learning capacity. Learning has always been regarded as this magical thing that just happens when you place yourself in the right certain situations - never explained, just happens whether you fail or succeed. I can understand every word, but never be able to tie it all together. It's not uncommon for me to read an entire book without knowing what it's about. I got by in school just by reciting things with no comprehension because that's all that was expected of me. Sometimes I'd force myself to memorize word definitions to delude myself into believing I was improving my vocabulary, but like everything else I "learn" I have no way to apply it in the real world and the moment I stop focusing it slips through my hands like water.

    No creativity. Forced myself to do music as a creative outlet, but have come to realize that without even a basic understanding of music theory it's all guess work. So many paths in life are automatically sealed off if you don't have learning capacity. I only have the option to approach creativity from a logic perspective which quickly turns any effort into a set of rules that must be obeyed and makes me even more miserable. With music theory firmly locked from me about the only semi-creative thing I can do is writing, but I have nothing to write about except my pain and hate it more than anything because of all the complex rules.

    No social capacity. I was diagnosed with Asperger's, but even that is dismissed by people with the disorder as something that can be remedied through learning and practice. I've never been through social skills training that could go any higher than "happy face, sad face" - just another skill that is taken completely for granted. Even then there is just no mechanism. I don't know anything so I can't hold up my side of communication in a one-on-one, and in any group situation I am quietly excluded; if I can even come up with anything to contribute, it's always too late as the topic has already changed.

    No capacity to love. Just don't understand how this is supposed to work. All I see is the highly complex push-and-pull give-and-take and nothing more.

    No capacity to grow. Still just as much of a child at age 28 as I was at age 13. Nothing about this world has ever made any sense to me, and I was always dismissed by my parents with "you'll understand when you get older". At least I'll never have to put up with that excuse again. Took up the gym convinced that exercise was a simple and straightforward way to see progress only to discover that my body suffers limits that no one else seems to. Not only do I swiftly max out my energy reserves regardless of the activity to the point where I'm largely going through the motions but I can feel beat up for days. At one point I decided I'd do rigorous exercise just about every day regardless just to end up injuring my back. I still feel pain.

    No productivity. Humans just do things without even being able to explain how they do what they do. I've always been running on empty when it came to mental resources, but it seems like no one else even requires them. They do 9 to 5 assuming it to be simple for everyone. They juggle finances, social lives, marriages, children like it's nothing. I'm tired of being told how easy everything is.

    No concept of self. There's nothing about me I consider me, but rather what I have tried to copy from humans. I always took solace in the idea that whatever I lacked I could learn to imitate from those around me only to discover that their software wasn't compatible with my hardware. I do things not out of personality or drive, but the internalized expectations of others.

    No connection to reality. Video games feel more real to me than the real world. While driving, shopping, talking, doing chores, etc. I quickly fall into a dissociative state and just watch my body do things on its own. My conscious mind will sometimes try to assert control with such requests as swerving into oncoming traffic, but the body doesn't comply because it's on autopilot. Processing disorder(s) make it so that I miss out on so much information, or I am bombarded with information that I can't make sense of. Sometimes I can't even interpret when the stimuli were felt because it's not uncommon for me to be "receiving" something that was "sent" 10 seconds ago. My mind especially loves to bastardize human language causing me to hear things which are said completely differently.

    The only thing about the human experience I could ever relate to is the capacity to reason, but I now realize how small of a role logic truly plays in the human mind. Defense mechanisms, compartmentalization, dissonance reduction, confabulation - it's never been about rationality, but rationalizing; forming that coherent narrative that streamlines consciousness.

    There's few I can relate to on this site because the sources of pain seems to be predominantly external and treated as such, but what if the problem is you? No amount of therapy, medication, or ECT can cure you of your "You"-ness. So why should one who was too defective from the start to even experience life go through the motions?
  2. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member


    If my ex had 1/2 of your ability for expression we would still be together. And yes he has aspergers. I am just now learning what it is and a glimmer of what life is like when you have it. :hug:
    I have been dealing with being different for years. I am dyslexic. If you want to make me feel idiotic and lost and worthless all you have to do is spell anything of 4 letters or more and I will not understand it. I can "read" it only if it is printed, I assume I read the shape of the word, i sure do not read the letters as letters. I am sure being unable to "read" the social mannerisms is a lot worse because you run into it every time you interact with people. If I had known about aspergers even 9 months ago my life would have been better right now. Instead I feel I destroyed my last chance at not being alone.

    So all i can offer you is a bit of understanding. The only advice i can give you is to try to forgive people when they hurt you. If they are like me they are being stupid ignorant. That doesn't take your pain away. There is never a good excuse for causing someone pain.

    I know from first hand experience you will love, and grow, and contribute. From just reading what you wrote I know you are someone I would enjoy talking to. Without knowing what was wrong with him my ex was married, had a child that he loves and raised and overcame alcoholism. He works as an apartment maintenance supervisor. It did take him years to get there but he did.

    You do not need to force yourself to have "normal" reactions. What you are and what you feel is normal for you. You as you are special, you do not need to meet the expectations of anyone else.
    I hate clothes shopping. Never liked it, never saw a reason for it. Have no desire for high heels or anything that cant be worn out to a farm. I cannot fathom any conversation about clothes. I never fit in with "the girls". It was years and years until I found out that there were other like me who didnt care.

    I understand how alone you are feeling right now. There are others like you and lots of people who will understand and help you.

    There is nothing defective about you. Horses, dogs and cats see and respond to the world differently. No one calls them defective. People are no different. There are many ways of "looking" at the world and responding to it.
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I think perhaps you are far more "normal" than you believe yourself to be.

    I am color blind- I do not perceive colors the way I am told others to- they can explain it and I can read about it for ever and it is is all just guess work to me what most see. This however is the problem- it is guesswork on my part on what they see. It is likely same for you. While you may have differences in perceptions, and may have read all about them, your interpretation that there are huge differences and gaps is pure guesswork. Much of what you are explaining as huge differences seems like very normal thoughts. Your estimations about the capacities of others in comparison to yourself are also guesswork - as it would be for any of us. WE can choose to believe we have greater or lesser capacity at most things but it is not possible to really know whether it is true or not because these areas are mostly subjective as opposed to objective. This leaves us with the bottom line of most of the issues you are describing as issue with self perception and end estimations of self worth based on self esteem that stems from your own perceptions. And that is something that can be easily assisted with therapy. So I would urge you to consider that since most of your issues you describe are actually perception issues, your perception that you cannot be helped in anyway may not be correct and give it a try.
  4. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    "No concept of self." I will have to disagree with you on this one. It appears to me that your post has more concept of self than 90% of the population. My partner that just passed away had "attachment disorder' and this describes her literally to a t. I do not know enough about aspergers to inject any help but the similarities to attachment disorder are eerily similar. My partner still lived a great life even though I was the only one on this earth that she accepted and fiercely too I might add. Your insight into human behavior speaks volumes, with regards to intelligence and your understanding of your abilities and inabilities is astonishing, to me at least.
    My spouse was 34 before I came into her life and we spent another 33 years together. She never did change or grow comfortable with humans but was "happy" enough to just have me and did not want for friends or anything else us regular people want or crave from this world. I was her complete opposite but yet it worked.

    At 28 I hope you are fortunate enough to meet someone who can accept you for you and more importantly for you to be able to find that 1 human who can give to you a reason to continue on this journey we call life.
  5. Obsessive

    Obsessive Well-Known Member

    It's not a matter of being normal, but functioning. To fulfill even basic needs requires certain skills and cognition. All the things that make life worth living won't just come to me, they have to be earned which is why I do need to meet expectations.

    It's not guesswork if certain faculties are universally taken for granted such as learning. We're talking about a working definition of a human. How much can you remove from a human before it's no longer human? Even where the functionality exists, it can still be weighed against the experience of others. That your experience would be completely inconceivable and go unregistered by others is a strong indicator that something is seriously wrong in the reality. Example: My car is flooding my house - is that supposed to happen? Many things don't need to be personally experienced for humans to understand and empathize because they fall within the realm of human reality, but there are things considered too extreme to possibly be incorporated.

    Actually it's very easy to understand human abilities when you lack them because humans who have them take them entirely for granted. They seem like superpowers to the have-nots while the haves aren't even aware of having done anything at all. It's more than a little maddening to want to point something out and ask "How?" but realize it wouldn't do any good.

    I doubt if I'm even really comparable to anyone with Asperger's because my overall problems go far beyond its criteria as well as the experiences people post on aspie forums. Just existing hurts as though every stimuli, every presence, every breath I take were tailored to gnaw at my mind. I'm rather difficult to relate to due to the scale of my deficits, but I do appreciate the reaching out and encouragement. I've been running on fumes for as long as I can remember, and parents putting even more pressure on lately to take on even higher tasks. :apologetic:
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