Even when I was little, humans seemed too alien and complex to fathom. I haven't grown up at all since then and now that I'm a child burdened with adult expectations I realize that without even a basic level of human functioning life can never be fulfilling because I'm not a part of the human experience. Every concept connected to humanity is something I lack. No concept of beauty. Everyone is always seeing something I don't. To me, a mountain is just a mountain. No learning capacity. Learning has always been regarded as this magical thing that just happens when you place yourself in the right certain situations - never explained, just happens whether you fail or succeed. I can understand every word, but never be able to tie it all together. It's not uncommon for me to read an entire book without knowing what it's about. I got by in school just by reciting things with no comprehension because that's all that was expected of me. Sometimes I'd force myself to memorize word definitions to delude myself into believing I was improving my vocabulary, but like everything else I "learn" I have no way to apply it in the real world and the moment I stop focusing it slips through my hands like water. No creativity. Forced myself to do music as a creative outlet, but have come to realize that without even a basic understanding of music theory it's all guess work. So many paths in life are automatically sealed off if you don't have learning capacity. I only have the option to approach creativity from a logic perspective which quickly turns any effort into a set of rules that must be obeyed and makes me even more miserable. With music theory firmly locked from me about the only semi-creative thing I can do is writing, but I have nothing to write about except my pain and hate it more than anything because of all the complex rules. No social capacity. I was diagnosed with Asperger's, but even that is dismissed by people with the disorder as something that can be remedied through learning and practice. I've never been through social skills training that could go any higher than "happy face, sad face" - just another skill that is taken completely for granted. Even then there is just no mechanism. I don't know anything so I can't hold up my side of communication in a one-on-one, and in any group situation I am quietly excluded; if I can even come up with anything to contribute, it's always too late as the topic has already changed. No capacity to love. Just don't understand how this is supposed to work. All I see is the highly complex push-and-pull give-and-take and nothing more. No capacity to grow. Still just as much of a child at age 28 as I was at age 13. Nothing about this world has ever made any sense to me, and I was always dismissed by my parents with "you'll understand when you get older". At least I'll never have to put up with that excuse again. Took up the gym convinced that exercise was a simple and straightforward way to see progress only to discover that my body suffers limits that no one else seems to. Not only do I swiftly max out my energy reserves regardless of the activity to the point where I'm largely going through the motions but I can feel beat up for days. At one point I decided I'd do rigorous exercise just about every day regardless just to end up injuring my back. I still feel pain. No productivity. Humans just do things without even being able to explain how they do what they do. I've always been running on empty when it came to mental resources, but it seems like no one else even requires them. They do 9 to 5 assuming it to be simple for everyone. They juggle finances, social lives, marriages, children like it's nothing. I'm tired of being told how easy everything is. No concept of self. There's nothing about me I consider me, but rather what I have tried to copy from humans. I always took solace in the idea that whatever I lacked I could learn to imitate from those around me only to discover that their software wasn't compatible with my hardware. I do things not out of personality or drive, but the internalized expectations of others. No connection to reality. Video games feel more real to me than the real world. While driving, shopping, talking, doing chores, etc. I quickly fall into a dissociative state and just watch my body do things on its own. My conscious mind will sometimes try to assert control with such requests as swerving into oncoming traffic, but the body doesn't comply because it's on autopilot. Processing disorder(s) make it so that I miss out on so much information, or I am bombarded with information that I can't make sense of. Sometimes I can't even interpret when the stimuli were felt because it's not uncommon for me to be "receiving" something that was "sent" 10 seconds ago. My mind especially loves to bastardize human language causing me to hear things which are said completely differently. The only thing about the human experience I could ever relate to is the capacity to reason, but I now realize how small of a role logic truly plays in the human mind. Defense mechanisms, compartmentalization, dissonance reduction, confabulation - it's never been about rationality, but rationalizing; forming that coherent narrative that streamlines consciousness. There's few I can relate to on this site because the sources of pain seems to be predominantly external and treated as such, but what if the problem is you? No amount of therapy, medication, or ECT can cure you of your "You"-ness. So why should one who was too defective from the start to even experience life go through the motions?