Could someone please give me some feedback?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Gilmore, Jul 9, 2013.

  1. Gilmore

    Gilmore New Member

    I gues i just need a place to vent. To break away from the silent conspiracy around my fiancé's selfhatred. It's a load to heavy for me to carry alone. I can't talk to friends or family. My fiancé would feel betrayed and his selfhatred would only grow sky high. He feeds of the respect he gets if he pushes himself to high set goals. To break that illusion is to break him further in the ground. He won't forgive me.

    Let me start at the beginning. He is my dearest friend, lover and partner. I'm his nr. 1 and this goes vice versa. Their just these episodes in life were everything gets to be to much for him to bear. It is at that moment that his self hatred roars and he can only find relieve in searching for a way to end his life as peacefull as possible. Expressing it to me every chance he gets. Drowning further and further in self despair. No matter what i say i can't get him out of that place. At recent episodes i told him if you go i go. I think it kept him alive until now.

    We even got as far as Mexico. We were holding <mod edit> in our hands. I was hoping with every fiber in my heart that he wouldn't go through with it. I told him that if he went i would go to. I didn't want to do it. I just didn't want him to commit suïcide. If he didn't want to live for himself then he should live for someone else untill he would learn to love himself. That was 4 years ago. He finally broke down emotionally and said he couldn't go through with it.
    But now it is happening al over again. I can feel his energie filled with hate. Everything surrounding him should be peaceful. I've been bending backwords and forward to try to keep it that way.

    But as live goes. There are ups and downs. I've been trying to catch most of the downs and sometimes having to hide it because i didn't want him to break again. His inner peace was relying on his surroundings. Sometimes i just can't keep the storm out.
    Right now it is his job that's on the line. It's not personal. It's crisis and their instructed to cut back. The way the company is doing it isn't sincere or fair. But it is legal. He is almost working for 3 years at this company. After 3 years employers are intitled to get a steady contract. The company wants to fire him for 3 months and then hire him back to give him temporary contracts again. He protested and i even wrote letters to every politic party in our country. They admitted the problem and said they are working on it to close that gap in the law. Collegues stood up for him and cliënts started to collect signatures out of protest.

    He is a hard working man. He's compassione and passionate about the cliënts he works for. He is like that with everything he does. The people notice that and respect him for that. They know he doesn't see and treat them as a number. He sees everyone equal to himself and treats others the way he wants to be treated. He started to accept what happened and he could see it was not personal.
    He wrote an email to his manager asking her to put it in writing that he could get back in the same workplace after 3 months like she said he could. His manager didn't just tell him. She also told al of his collegue's and all of the cliënts that live in the shelter he works in.

    Now a few days ago. She wrote him back an email stating that his contract would come to an end at the end of september. In Januari she would like to talk to him again and see if they could place him back in the company depending on recent economic changes and company changes. So now all of her promises are out the window and insecurety prefails.
    He overcome his dark place ones. I took quick action and made him see that he was not the only one. He slowly but surely started recovering and accepted this fall back. But now not even a few weeks later he is thrown back on the floor again. He feels defeated and hopeless and i can't get him up. He feels treated like dirt. It's the injustice he can't stand.

    I don't have the strength to get him back on his feet again. I don't have the power to make him see that nothing should take away his inner peace. He is already searching on the internet to collect medicine to end his suffering. .

    I'm exhausted and in desperate need for some feedback.

    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 9, 2013
  2. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Gilmore, thanks for taking down the walls and opening up to us.. First big step truly.. I think your man needs some professional psych help now.. Getting him to look and get that help is probably not going to be easy for both of you..probably will fight doing that really hard.. While you looking with him some pro help would probably be really good for you also now!!

    Consider it premarital counseling...take care, Jim
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I think the time has come for him to get medical intervention.
    Whether he likes it or not, he needs help at these crisis points.
    Help won't save his job, like many people world wide, the global financial crisis is hitting hard and many a good person is going to the wall; but how he deals with the blow can be helped.
    I think you have to insist he get some kind of counselling/ therapy, he may have some issues underlying how he deals with life's downsides, or it may just come down to his sense of self respect being wrapped up in how others value him.
    Either way, this is too heavy a burden for one person to carry, i.e you.
  4. Gilmore

    Gilmore New Member

    Hi Jimk and Terry,

    Thank you both for taking the time and effort to reply. I appreciate it a lot. I even felt releave just for being able to share my story.

    Yes, he tried professional help. Ever since he was a child his parents took him to a neurologist and a psychiatrist. That is were his problems started in the first place. They gave him amfetamins and mellerette. I believe both are on the black list of drugs because of the side effects.

    For his parents always blaming and telling him that there is something wrong with him caused him stress and trauma.
    He was a creative and lively child. He can play a song on the piano just by listening to it one time on the radio. He can create and build his own furniture on the flip of a head. When he was a kid he got diagnosed with minimal brain damage. Now a days it is called ADHD. The neurologist showed his parents a brain scan were he said the damage was. That was a lie. Minimal brain damage can't be proven thats why they changed the name into ADHD.

    In our country they hand out diagnoses like santa hands out presents. It can not be taken to seriously. Medical insurances are only paying healthcare professionals if they can diagnose. And if they can diagnose more of the 'serious' mental ilnesses than they can collect more money.

    To be honoust i don't believe in our professional health care system anymore. I did once but now it is all about money and power. I have hormonal epilepsy. It has been diagnosed through eeg and mri but before they found that out the doctors put me on antidepressents a couple of times. It caused me to have medical induced psychosis. The antidepressents almost cost me my life.

    I'm sorry for ranting but i do have to get this of my chest. I gues that's why i placed it in the 'Let it all out' section. ;)

    Our education system gives stress to children. It teaches them all about knowledge but not about the things that truelly matter like inner peace, acceptance and selfworth.
    As the kids body's protests because it's literally getting un their nerves then we say the kid has a mental ilness.

    He does have big issues with his body. Now a days all woman have to look like walking skelets and man have to look like blown up G.I. Joe's. He has a body that already looks like an adonis but when he looks in the mirror he's looking at Screeche. Pardon my language but it's true.

    We learn to create immensly high expectations of ourselfs and forget that we are humans with body's to take care of. That we have limitations. And that our bodies have basic needs like being in a calm state and being patient. So that we can accept who we are and feel good about ourselves the way we already are without having to proove anything. And not expect ourselfs to be all that we are not.
    I see kids cutting themself is becoming a trend in our country because the kids now a days are trying to find relieve in a different pain than the pain that their minds creates by thinking they are not good enough every second of the day.

    I'm sorry for making this such a long story. I just have so much to say that i would like to say it all at once but i can't. :) I do feel a bit better of getting it of my chest. Sharing it gives relieve. I'm going to think about the idea of sharing it with close friends that he trusts. Trust is a big issue in his life. Maybe that breaking the silence step by step is going to help. Thank you for giving me more clearity!


  5. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    ((Gilmore)) thanks for continuing this discussion.. Is good.. Can relate to wrong diagnosises and pills given in error... Can I ever!!! Also can identify with having to have to jump thru hoops and preform just to try and get the love and respect when that love should have been given unconditionally at the start!!!

    Never having. Received that love, care and respect I am not the one to advise on how others may get this... Only suggestion is that you two try your darnedest to support, console, and be there for and with each other. That will help..

    Don't be a stranger Gilmore.. Try to keep talking here!! TC and love, Jim
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    ((( Gilmore))) It is so obvious to me that you are a very wise and intelligent soul. The medical / psychiatric system as it exists today does not work for you or him. Do you have access to alternative therapy? Or alternative health care? eg I go to a homeopahtic psychiatrist. She is not part of the medical system that you have described. Although she is a MD. I do not know what alternative health care is available in your country. But it really sounds like you and your fiance might do better exploring that. Would this be possible? ♥♥♥