Could someone please help? Trouble with therapist!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hazel Morse, Oct 22, 2015.

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  1. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Hi, I 'm living in the Worst City in Asia at present, going through a massive suicidal depression. It is 9 pm here and so I am going to bed in a few minutes, so please don't be upset or offended if I don't reply for 5 hours.

    I want death. I can't be at home. At work I keep it together, but I'm afraid the facade will eventually crack.

    I see an Australian therapist twice a week via Skype. After a year and a half he tells me that I didn't effectively communicate to him the extent of my problems - that I really loathed myself. I've recently made probably the worst decision of my life (and that's saying something). He was trying to guilt me all through our session tonight. He was also the first therapist that I could work with... everyone else either threatened me or treated me like a total waste of their precious time.

    Should I just ditch this guy and carry out my plans to die? I would not want to die in this hated country - I would get rid of all possessions first, take my small savings and head off for a last spree before I go, so I am not talking anything precipitous, although I have to actively keep myself out of my flat so that I don't self harm.
  2. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    What a piece of shit am I, that I worked so hard, for 1.5 years to get all my ducks in a row, to get out of this place, and then totally sabotage my own efforts? I fucking hate myself.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I do hope that you keep talking keep reaching out for support ok You are not what you say you are someone that is suffering and someone that deserves compassion and care
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    No, you should certainly not do that. Is moving to somewhere nicer an option? What do you have to lose by trying? Your therapist doesn't sound very helpful. Keep talking to us here, we understand and I'm really sorry you are going through all of this.
  5. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    ( Again - my apologies if I don't answer again right away - this is my middle of the night wake up, will TRY to go to sleep again if I can; however, probably will not be able to)

    No - I just made the decision to sign another contract for another 6 months (ie until June 2016. This essentially means that if I were to try to move back to Australia I could NEVER get another job because NO ONE I'm working with would be allowed to give me a reference (in fact they would call any school that I applied to and tell them what a piece of shit I was.)

    This was how I came to work at the Worst School in the World in the first place- lost my job in Australia, no school would take me. Finally in a position to apply for schools again in Australia, did not do so in September/ October as I should have. Because I'm a craven, cowardly piece of shit.

    My therapist should have made me stop and consider this decision on Monday when we talked. I should never have committed on Tuesday. I don't know how i will get through these next months - I will probably be fired because I can't do any work effectively.
  6. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    (Again, sorry if I do not reply immediately - I am up in the middle of the night and will try to sleep another two hours if poss)

    Thank you, I brought this on myself, so yes, I do deserve this. I have to take responsibility. My therapist said its because i didn't trust him or was open with him - so, my fault as per usual. But as my mother has been telling me these past 20 years "[My] life is over". I think I need to accept this and move on, preparing for death the way a cancer patient would. At least his way I'll have a little more money to travel, maybe go to Europe for a few months before I go.
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