Could this be because of what happened?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, Apr 25, 2008.

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  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    When I was very small. I cant remember at what age it started all I can remember is when it stopped. I would say I was right at age 7 when I told my mom. I only told because my cousin, who he did it to as well, begged me to tell someone so it would stop. So I told my mom. She looked into it and when there as no proof she decided to call me a little lier and to this stay believes I made it all up. How in the world can a small child who knew nothing of sex but what was done to her make something like that up?? How she thought that was and still is over my head.. Anyways.. I was very afriad of men, even my own family members, for the longest time. I was also a big touch me not. If anyone would top me I would flinch and jump back. When I got close to my teenage years (age 12) I began to be interested in sex. I started my own my own sex life with a female (the same cousin who was raped with me). When I turned 13 I became very interested in the opposite sex. I begane to be intimate with my at the time boyfriend. From that time on I always had to have a man around me who I could have sex with. I did not feel loved unless I was messing around with someone.. I even went as far as to have sex with a 50 year old man (I was 15 maybe 16 at the time). Anyways... Lately I have been having a lot of sex dreams.. Some of them are pleasnant yet they are really strange and other are scary where I am being attacked and hurt.. I was just wondering if these dreams are because of what happened when I was young...
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Sounds like all of it is to do with what happened when you were young, be that nightmares, promiscuity, frozen emotions...the whole lot.
    Any child abuse needs a trained professional to work thru the experience with you. The problem was compounded by your mother's denial. Already feeling abused she heaped liar on top to make you feel even more worthless.
    How could she do it? So many adults cannot bear the thought of it and would rather go into denial than face it. :hug:
    Try to find a therapist that you can work thru all the issues this incident in your childhood will have caused.
     
  3. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the advice but therapy is not for me.. From time to time Im forced to go - which means the 'forcers' have access to my file - which means I cant tell the therapist a dang thing..So why bother going..I can not afford to private pay a therapist or doctor so I can actually feel free to talk and get treatment/help. It stinks...
     
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Not sure where in the world you are, but here in the UK there are various Rape crisis centres and Child abuse help centres.
    Usually one of these will be able to supply a counsellor or group therapy, at least you would have someone to talk to who understands fully what you have been thru. :hug:
     
  5. pastelmoon

    pastelmoon Active Member

    Yes I would say so. Being raped and never dealing with the issue will cause you problems until you seek therapy for it. I know you don't want to hear that but its true. You were violated and never received justice. I'm sure you have many issues in life, not just sex, that stem from this. You can get better though. I would really think about therapy and dealing with this now so it doesn't continue to resurface and mess up your life.
     
  6. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Right now Im feeling like my mind is slipping away..My mom still to this day claims that the man I told her abused me didnt do it..She says she remembers the day I told her about..Which in my memory is the day I decided to tell her it was happening and it also happened again that day but she says no..She says she was watching us when I claimed it happend on the day..She said she was standing nearby between our house and the place it happened..But I remember running away holding my cousins hand (who he did it to as well) and she was not standing there or anywhere near there for that matter... So how would she know...

    Am I making it up...Was I even abused..How can two little girls share the same dilusion..Maybe we were abused but not by him and I just blamed him..or maybe it really was him...

    I just want to scream..
     
  7. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I just want to revive my thread here to ask something.. My mom still says I made it up..I cant remember much either..I remember a few touchs, words, even something pretty bad but not much.. Did it happen or did I make it up? :(
     
  8. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    heya,

    It is perfectly normal for a victim of sexual abuse to repress the memories of what happened and this can be dangerous later in life. It happened your mum was not there and your cousin says the same thing happened to her. How can it not be true.

    Have you contacted the police. The fact that there is two of you will help your case. Forget about what your mum says. It is prob hard for her to even think about what has happened and it is her way of coping with what you told her.

    You are suffering mentally and you do need to talk about waht has happened. You say you feel forced and I am wondering who is forcing you to go? I am not forcing you but I do feel that it would help you if you spoke about it and allowed someone else to share your burden of your terrible secret. I was just thinking. It is possible for you and your cousin to see a private therapist and then you could split the cost. I do not know about where you are but I know some private therapists have what is called a sliding scale. They charge you what you are able to afford. This could be from 20 pounds an hour to 60 pounds. You just need to find someone that is right for you. Maybe stop with your current person and ask to se someone else or go back to your GP. This might help you not to feel so 'forced' into therapy.

    Here if you need or want to chat. feel free to PM me at any time.

    Take care

    :hug:

    Sam
     
  9. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I met my new therapist today..I told her about the abuse and she agrees that it needs to be dealt with. She said I should talk about it only when Im ready and only when Im feeling comforable and stable enough to talk about it.. I dont know how to go about trying to deal with it. I thought I had but apparently, I was wrong.
     
  10. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    When you are ready to talk about it, will you then know how to deal with it. I think your therapist is right though. I think that what you are experiencing now is likely to do with the abuse.

    Sam
    x
     
  11. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Hallelujah a therapist with a clue!!!
    Don't try to force anything get to know your therapist and when you are ready you will share the pain..but only when you are ready.

    As to the "did it happen" syndrome. I had repressed memories for years and when they started breaking thru I went thru a long period of wondering if I'd made it up (probably because I told as well and tho not called a liar was ignored)..the problem with repressed memories coming up is you don't want to remember or give the memory credence.
    One reason I knew it was real was the flavour and depth of the memories..stupid things like what was on the tv while it was happening :blink:
    From what you've said your subsequent behaviour is classic for an abused child.
    Stop worrying about truths and proofs and work with your therapist to lay it to rest. :hug:
     
  12. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Thanks Terry...
    I sometimes have very strange sex dreams or these dreams where Im tied up and about to be violated..They are very scary and I wake up to the sound of my own gasps or screams..Its nerve recking..
     
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