Hi everyone, just registered, spent some time reading a lot of posts, and not sure if I'm even up to posting but I'll try to keep it short, while explaining a bit in hopes of some advice, scolding or whatever is necessary. I'm 37, first dealt with depression/suicidal leanings around 16 (and caused no small amount of trouble for my then-separating parents at that time). Been fighting what I assume to be depression since then consistently, with many situations that begin leaning toward suicide, and over that time with several really challenging moments and only one fairly deliberate attempt about eight years ago I had to interrupt after it was soon evident it wasn't going to go as planned. Nobody in my family/friends really knows all the details about that attempt, as I was alone in the house for quite some time before and after and managed to pull it together, and do not have any outwardly noticeable effects from it, thankfully. I am married, have four kids, and they are my entire life, I love them so much. I have likely even unfairly made them what I call 'anchors' (things that help me swing the decision back to pro-life at those moments) but it has changed my mind at least half a dozen or more times since. Apparently bipolar disorder (among other things) has been diagnosed in two siblings and a parent. I have not seen anyone yet nor do I look forward to it only because this kind of thing is a very real cause for shame for myself regardless of how stubborn and idiotic that sounds. I have tried to talk to my wife about this several times over the 14 years we've been together and it results in an argument, and her taking it extremely personally to the point that I've stopped trying to talk to her about it at all. I can't really blame her reaction either, but she does not want to hear about how anyone can 'do that' to somebody, and this pretty much makes it impossible to try to sort out feelings I was encountering which was all I really wanted to accomplish. As an adult I started martial arts about 5 years ago and it is helping in specific cases - the energy from the working out has a great positive effect on my attitude/outlook for a few hours, and the hard-ish contact sparring seems like a relatively safer way to work out the self destructive leanings. I don't drink as much as I used to and feel like I have a handle on that finally, and don't have any drug use besides random marijuana encounters which I know don't help matters but also temporarily relaxes the stress quite a bit. The bottom line is, I have no reason to be depressed - I have a great job, wonderful kids, and no stress that anyone else wouldn't have at this stage of life, but I'm so tired of fighting this - 20 years now pretty much. While trying to be respectful of the forum rules about specifics, I need to explain that I own an effective means of doing this in the event I wind up losing one of these self-arguments (I've owned them many years). Some things like a fight with my wife (especially) can trigger things to the point of once again facing that few moments of decision making, and my love for my family and my parents wins out every time thank god. I expect and hope that will always win out on the decision, but I'm left with this conflict of really wanting to do it, and knowing I can't. And it is very frustrating and tiring. And I'm more frightened now that it might be inevitable. I'm sorry for making this a lot longer than I set out to do originally but I don't feel like I've got anyone to speak to. I don't understand why the feelings are so intense because there is no justification like hard times or anything for it. I'm now typing this about an hour after another one of those 'decision' points. That one was kind of alarming but it's over. I can't fight it like this forever. I really wanted to do it again, and I REALLY know that I can't. As a result I just feel spent, conflicted and very upset. Thanks for reading that mess and thanks for all your posts I've read in the other threads - it did make it easier to decide to post something.