Could use some advice, or a kick in the pants

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jallen, Apr 21, 2008.

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  1. jallen

    jallen New Member

    Hi everyone, just registered, spent some time reading a lot of posts, and not sure if I'm even up to posting but I'll try to keep it short, while explaining a bit in hopes of some advice, scolding or whatever is necessary.

    I'm 37, first dealt with depression/suicidal leanings around 16 (and caused no small amount of trouble for my then-separating parents at that time). Been fighting what I assume to be depression since then consistently, with many situations that begin leaning toward suicide, and over that time with several really challenging moments and only one fairly deliberate attempt about eight years ago I had to interrupt after it was soon evident it wasn't going to go as planned.

    Nobody in my family/friends really knows all the details about that attempt, as I was alone in the house for quite some time before and after and managed to pull it together, and do not have any outwardly noticeable effects from it, thankfully.

    I am married, have four kids, and they are my entire life, I love them so much. I have likely even unfairly made them what I call 'anchors' (things that help me swing the decision back to pro-life at those moments) but it has changed my mind at least half a dozen or more times since.

    Apparently bipolar disorder (among other things) has been diagnosed in two siblings and a parent. I have not seen anyone yet nor do I look forward to it only because this kind of thing is a very real cause for shame for myself regardless of how stubborn and idiotic that sounds.

    I have tried to talk to my wife about this several times over the 14 years we've been together and it results in an argument, and her taking it extremely personally to the point that I've stopped trying to talk to her about it at all. I can't really blame her reaction either, but she does not want to hear about how anyone can 'do that' to somebody, and this pretty much makes it impossible to try to sort out feelings I was encountering which was all I really wanted to accomplish.

    As an adult I started martial arts about 5 years ago and it is helping in specific cases - the energy from the working out has a great positive effect on my attitude/outlook for a few hours, and the hard-ish contact sparring seems like a relatively safer way to work out the self destructive leanings. I don't drink as much as I used to and feel like I have a handle on that finally, and don't have any drug use besides random marijuana encounters which I know don't help matters but also temporarily relaxes the stress quite a bit.

    The bottom line is, I have no reason to be depressed - I have a great job, wonderful kids, and no stress that anyone else wouldn't have at this stage of life, but I'm so tired of fighting this - 20 years now pretty much.

    While trying to be respectful of the forum rules about specifics, I need to explain that I own an effective means of doing this in the event I wind up losing one of these self-arguments (I've owned them many years). Some things like a fight with my wife (especially) can trigger things to the point of once again facing that few moments of decision making, and my love for my family and my parents wins out every time thank god.

    I expect and hope that will always win out on the decision, but I'm left with this conflict of really wanting to do it, and knowing I can't. And it is very frustrating and tiring. And I'm more frightened now that it might be inevitable.

    I'm sorry for making this a lot longer than I set out to do originally but I don't feel like I've got anyone to speak to. I don't understand why the feelings are so intense because there is no justification like hard times or anything for it.

    I'm now typing this about an hour after another one of those 'decision' points. That one was kind of alarming but it's over. I can't fight it like this forever. I really wanted to do it again, and I REALLY know that I can't. As a result I just feel spent, conflicted and very upset.

    Thanks for reading that mess and thanks for all your posts I've read in the other threads - it did make it easier to decide to post something.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You mentioned that you had no reason to be depressed. Depression does not need a reason to exist. It is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. There is no rhyme or reason as to who it chooses to strike. I am sorry to hear you have so little support at home. Have you sought any medical type advice to help you? You do need someone to talk things over with. Using your kids as an anchor is a perfectly viable thing. They are a worthwhile reason. I hope you continue to post here as you search for answers. Please take care and stay safe. :hug:
  3. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I too am diagnosed depressed and bipolar, and I can understand a lot of your feelings. As Gentlelady said, depression can strike anyone, even people in "good" circumstances. I also suggest counseling and medical advice on how to handle or try to reduce your depression and other problems. I wish you the best in your struggle. keep coming back here to let out your feelings and get advice and other viewpoints.

    THis is a great safe loving place to be!:smile:

  4. Bostonensis

    Bostonensis Guest

    My family & my son is also the biggest reason to continue the battle against depression. I can only speak for myself, but its time this thoughts passes through my mind, I tell myself ,you are not have the privelege to do so.

    I can relate to your fears that one day ,I might be able to persuade myself.I have it all figure out in my head & I know it is a sure hit.

    Yet, in retrospect I am also resilient, every cruelty,I find beauty to conquer it like a challenge,the more challenges ,the more I become powerful. On any aspect of my life,I do not /cannot give away the last laugh. And every illness I have I put a face on them that I have to fight them & win. Yes it is absolutely tiring,but in every battle ,it is a reward of strength I look ahead.

    My death will not be dictated by depression but a conscious choice to do as part of my principle that my death is mine to decide. That in that moment I can say to my son ,I am ready to go & happy to go.

    By that time Satan will have no problem to welcome me,hopefully.

  5. jallen

    jallen New Member

    Thanks to all three of you for the insight.

    I really am seriously going to try to see someone and hope for help about this finally - I do hope I can achieve it as anonomously (and maybe even secretly) as possible at first. I have no health insurance for myself (my wife and kids are insured). I may give my firearms to a friend for awhile too, after how today went down however that's going to be tough.

    The stigma on this is very real and the reactions I've received from some family when disclosing even a tiny bit have been quite negative (understandably) and counterproductive, kind of like a 'how could you, all these people rely on you?!?' approach. I believe I understand that and accept it, but it's certainly not helpful when it happens and I'm looking for help now.

    Thanks to you again - the more I read here, the more I feel like it was a good start to register and try to discuss this.
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    my family are also a bit useless when it comes to mental health issues... i love them very much but i don't get any emotional support from them. still, there are other supports out there and i hope you are able to access some of them.

    part of recovering from depression is educating yourself, and for that i really recommend the book "the depression workbook" by mary ellen copeland, as well as many of the articles on, esp. on how to talk to your doctor and the different treatment options available. if you google "mary ellen copeland" you will find some of her articles online.

    i'm glad you found this site, and i hope we can help you through this difficult time.
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