could use some help

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by swimmergirl, May 3, 2011.

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  1. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I have never been this close to actually doing it, actually killing myself. I know that sounds weird to admit to anyone, but I feel so ambivalent about ending my life. Part of me wants to save myself from myself. And part of me just wants to die and be done with all of the pain and hurt and loneliness. Someone said we should not fear death because we did not fear wherever we were before we were born. Fear is just a human construct. I am past the fear of dying. I just feel so beaten down, so tired, giving up seems like the right thing to do. I can't seem to construct a valid counter argument for why I should not kill myself if it is the only thing that will end this misery. Therapy is not working, or working in such incremental ways that it doesn't matter. No meds have helped ease the war in my head. Hospitals just make it worse. Friends and family are just as tired of it as I am and are no help. And, to top it all off, I don't know where I am going to live come July 17th. And, I really am not making enough money right now to be able to rent a place. Life is totally fucked up, and I let it happen and now I can't fix it, and I used to always be able to fix it, I always could take care of myself, and now I can't , now I am finally exposed for the loser I always knew I was. And, I can't bear the shame of being such a fuck up. I don't want to do this thing called life another day. They should have just let me die when I was born. It would have saved us all a lot of pain and trouble. I hate myself.
    And I want to die, I think I want that more than anything. I want to tell someone this, and most importantly I just want someone to understand what I am feeling, I want someone to know, so they don't just make up reasons for why I did it, I want to convey just how much I am hurting, and I can't seem to do it. The words never come out right. I don't even know if words can explain this suffering. It's not right. It's too much for one soul to handle on her own. I am sorry. I am sorry for failing even in my death.
     
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I have been there and done that. I have to say that unless you truly want change you will not change. Many people are tired of their lives, and want to end it with death, but any time you mention them actually changing things with living they make excuses.
    I understand perfectly; I was one of these people. I failed to see that change can be done with life, and that all it took was for me to overcome my fear of change to do it. I also had to be honest with myself and leave what destructive things I was doing in life behind to do it. People can change and your life can change for the better. But like anything else it takes that first step. You can do it! I did it, and I have everything I wanted. I'm happy, married to a great guy, I have two great kids, and one on the way.
    I began at the very bottom, and I was able to rise to the top. If I can do it so can you. It is hard to do on your own, but you are never alone. Once you realize that the sky is the limit. PM me if you like. Blessings..
     
  3. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I guess you were lucky.

    I guess change is easy, I must not want it. Again, I am the problem.

    Thanks.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No she did not say you are the problem hun she said if one does nothing the nothing will change you will still stay same place you are. When you do something even small for you it can make things happen for t he better hugs
     
  5. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    How is that supportive?

    How dare you make such self righteous statements and assume you know what I have tried or have not tried to change. You don't know shit about me.

    God. Damn it. How dare you???
     
  6. R Wolf

    R Wolf Member

    Hi, well I know your situation, I have been there, and to be true, I’m now at the same position that you are now. I feel like when I’m dead, for the first time of my life I would rest of all this hell that we call life.

    And here I’m, my life is going to hell to, I haven’t gone to college for 2 months, my fault, and I’m going to fail all my exams. I don’t dare to think about my future because I really know that it doesn’t seems any bright.

    But then I remember I have been in this situation before, I have thought that my life was going to be something without a hope. Yes for some months it was really really hard, but I meet some people and experience new stuff, even when you don’t have any money you can have a good time. You can meet new people, you don’t have a place to live, get many works and live in a cheap place, live with some friends with a wile if you can.

    I’m not telling you that your life is going to be happy tomorrow or the next month, but you can fight and try to be better, to don’t be a loser, to be whatever you want. Maybe this chapter of your life is over, and next one is going to be difficult, but in 2 chapters if you really try, your life can change and take you to places and experiences that you never imagine.

    Wish you luck, andif you whant to talk Im here
     
  7. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    with regard to the housing issue, if you are not getting disability payments or government housing benefits now, you may want to apply. there may also be supervised housing programs that you might be eligible to join
     
  8. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    I can't say anything that hasn't already been said.

    I wish you all the strength in the world and I hope you find the courage to hang in there. We are all here for a reason. I hope that reason presents its self to you before you take a step you can't step back from.

    It kills me to see you hurt like this. I wish there was something I could say or do. If you know how I can help you please let me know. Please don't give up. Please don't stop fighting.
     
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