I have never been this close to actually doing it, actually killing myself. I know that sounds weird to admit to anyone, but I feel so ambivalent about ending my life. Part of me wants to save myself from myself. And part of me just wants to die and be done with all of the pain and hurt and loneliness. Someone said we should not fear death because we did not fear wherever we were before we were born. Fear is just a human construct. I am past the fear of dying. I just feel so beaten down, so tired, giving up seems like the right thing to do. I can't seem to construct a valid counter argument for why I should not kill myself if it is the only thing that will end this misery. Therapy is not working, or working in such incremental ways that it doesn't matter. No meds have helped ease the war in my head. Hospitals just make it worse. Friends and family are just as tired of it as I am and are no help. And, to top it all off, I don't know where I am going to live come July 17th. And, I really am not making enough money right now to be able to rent a place. Life is totally fucked up, and I let it happen and now I can't fix it, and I used to always be able to fix it, I always could take care of myself, and now I can't , now I am finally exposed for the loser I always knew I was. And, I can't bear the shame of being such a fuck up. I don't want to do this thing called life another day. They should have just let me die when I was born. It would have saved us all a lot of pain and trouble. I hate myself. And I want to die, I think I want that more than anything. I want to tell someone this, and most importantly I just want someone to understand what I am feeling, I want someone to know, so they don't just make up reasons for why I did it, I want to convey just how much I am hurting, and I can't seem to do it. The words never come out right. I don't even know if words can explain this suffering. It's not right. It's too much for one soul to handle on her own. I am sorry. I am sorry for failing even in my death.