Hello, I realized tonight that this is the first time I've considered suicide and actually thought of a relatively effective way to carry it out and what steps I would have to do. I'm pretty sure this is a sign psychologists look for when diagnosing the seriousness of depression. I've had depression for a few years now. I rarely felt intense sadness, but had full-blown anhedonia for a while, being motivated only by physiological needs (mainly hunger and sleep) and having a complete loss of enjoyment of activites that used to be enjoyable to me. I tried Prozac for 6 months with no effect whatsoever (except for the first week and a half which was later found to be placebo effect). I then tried Welbutrin which made an enormous difference and motivated me to find work, finish school, and engage in creative endeavors in general. Lately I can still enjoy things, but it comes and goes. I feel rather aimless now. I've been surviving off of different temp jobs and have graduated, though I'm not sure I want a job in the field I majored in and don't know what I want to do for a living in general. By far the thing I miss the most before I had depression is drive. I could be extremely motivated to accomplish some things in the past, a feeling which feels greatly diminished nowadays as I have difficulty coming up with anything I care enough about to find energy to devote to it. I don't feel sad about my current state nor pity, just that I dislike it and don't have much motivation for living in general. I don't have a burning desire to kill myself, but it feels like my most viable (not trying to be ironic) option to get out of the current state that I'm in. I don't have the finances to seek any sort of psychiatric help, and even then I'd be pretty skeptical going in. Also even though it flies directly in the face of logic (since the alternative could be death), I would want to avoid anything like admittance to a mental hospital that would be seen as a permanent stigma towards some career paths, especially those in government. Since much of society would probably view my state as distorted thinking as a result of depression, I thought I could use some perspective for things that I might be missing in my trains of thought. I see that much as an avenue worht investingating before any suicide attempts.