could you go on even though you know you'll most likely never find happiness?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by littleturtle, Apr 4, 2011.

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  1. littleturtle

    littleturtle Member

    i mean what's the point? what if you just can't accept things...

    i been depressed as fu ck for over 1 and a half year now. i've had a lot of ups and downs, and right now i'm down. i just hate how unfair life is and how much i've had taken from me, like most depressed people. being depressed is one thing, but having my mind play tricks on me and take over me makes it even worse. i'm just fu cking tired of this feeling and WHY i got to be the one in this situation while everyone else is just so fu cking happy and uppidy up up. i just fu cking hate it man.
     
  2. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Do not seek happiness, seek contentment.
    Take no notice of others emotions, but rein in and worry about your own.
    Forgive and like yourself, your inner beauty will then shine out and the people you most want will bask under iits glow, rewards, endless.
     
  3. littleturtle

    littleturtle Member

    contentment, that's the thing... i feel as though why the fu ck should i have to settle and be content when others don't? i mean... i know there is some truth in this inner beauty sh it even though the majority including myself are superficial and all that bs. my problem is my inability to love myself and accept myself and i honestly don't think i'll ever.
     
  4. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Because when you do find contentment, thats when you will be happy.
    Why worry about others?
    Be concerned about yourself.
    I can feel your anger and bitterness, so why hold onto this?
    It will eat away at you, forever.
    Let it go, and it cant, simple.
     
  5. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    I am feeling similarly to turtle right now. I have a lot of ups and downs too, and all I have found to deal with the down times is just to try to cope and stay alive and wait to feel better. I have found it impossible to get out of a depressed state by trying to control my thoughts. Turtle, I know it's not easy, but hang in there because like you said, your mind is playing games with you and mine is too. I also wonder how people can be so happy, while I am struggling worrying about every little thing and feeling slowed and bogged down by an unyielding force. Keep posting and we'll continue to give you support.
     
  6. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    What exactly is making you so unhappy that you want to kill yourself? Your original post was kind of vague, and I'm just trying to understand.
     
  7. littleturtle

    littleturtle Member

    yes...

    - i'm insecure of the way i look, low self esteem
    - i have social anxiety and poor social skills
    - i can't accept growing up
    - blame my parents for the way i am (they're not social either)
    - scared of being a bum
    - can't even be with people anymore (when i'm with people sometimes my mind just drifts away)
    - hate how superficial i am and everone else
    - lonely, hate myself...
    - can't accept realities of life

    i just hate how i ended up... when i was a kid i used to be pretty social, was one of the best athletes even though i was chubby, smart as fukk, and actually had some confidence in himself. i used to brag to everyone how i'm gonna be successful and sh it. my insecurities basically started kicking in around 16 and it's something i kept inside and grew until last march when i just had a mental breakdown and dropped out of college. i started really separating myself from people and at one point even stopped going out at all. i always had this strong desire to be better than everyone else and that actually was a good thing when i was younger cause it definitely pushed me, but now it's what kills me inside cause i know people will never see me the way i want them to see me cause i'm not that "guy".
     
  8. FeralDescent

    FeralDescent Member

    turtle,

    you don't need to be that "guy". it sounds like your mind is just struggling with self-projection (which is ultimately a good thing).

    have you thought about if you're judgmental, and if that makes you feel like others will judge you similarly? each one of us has some aspect of superficiality, or multiple ones... each one of us has a depth within us, or multiple ones. the trick is trying to focus on the good in yourself and in others and using the flaws, the ugliness in us, just as contrast to the good.

    it's hard to get out of viewing things a certain way when you've developed a habit to though, I know. It takes some struggling and it hurts and mistakes are inevitable but, you gotta be a little softer with yourself I think. Life's already hard enough, and we're all better off by ourselves and with each other when we're able to feel good about ourselves.

    Competition can be healthy but when used for self-worth, that shit is unstable and can't sustain it. You have to dig deeper.
    I would suggest trying not to concern yourself with other peoples perceptions for now, 'cause in the end, yours in the one that matters the most.

    and things change, they always do, sometimes it's for the worse (gahhhh) but other times it's for the better. it isn't too late, you know, you haven't "ended up" as anything until your life actually does end.
     
  9. littleturtle

    littleturtle Member

    thanks for that..

    but it's exactly what i'm talking about though.. i'm not as concern as other people's perceptions of me as much as MY own perception of myself, which isn't very pretty. i keep thinking what if? what if i didn't sufffer from these insecurities and actually grew up and mature like all my other friends i grew up with? i'm not stupid. i know how beautiful and happy other people's lives are. what if they were in my shoes? i know it's overplayed and you've probably heard enough times about others in this situation, but it's just not fair man.

    i don't know if it matters, but i have started cutting. i don't know.

    i never thought i'd ever see myself in this situation i'm in.. it's fu cked up.
     
  10. ELLIEANDMONKEY

    ELLIEANDMONKEY Well-Known Member

    If I knew I could not find happiness I would not go on. And if I don't find happiness soon I won't go on. There is no point.
     
  11. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Is it possible you were doing too much and wore yourself out? I've done that to myself more than once. Maybe you drew conclusions in your teen years about life that you think you should be but don't really want to be. Have you reviewed the way you view things to see how your perceptions have changed based on life experience? It's okay to do that. It's something that all adults need to do.

    I find happiness when I practice 24 hour living which means I try to live life in the here and now instead of what did/didn't or will/won't happen. I stay away from things I have no control over so they don't bring me down. Maybe these are some things to try.

    I hope you feel better soon.
     
  12. littleturtle

    littleturtle Member

    hit another low, the lowest i've been in months... i was pretty up just a week ago. i don't know what could have triggered this. my mom's now crying, cause i was asking her about the point of living if i'm not happy and probably never going to be. i feel bad, i do love her... but at the same time, it's like i just don't care anymore. i don't give a fu ck. no one ever that much of a fu ck about me, so why should i give a fu ck about me? but then again i am crying right now, so i guess i do give a fu ck. right?
     
  13. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I don't think I'll be happy. I'm not really planning on being around any further than the next year or two. From then on, shit could go all over the place.

    I've never had a purpose or a desire. I'd rather move on than stay here.

    It sounds like your mum cares, considering she started crying when you asked her about the point in life. My mum is kinda like that too. She's trying to get me help, but mental health services are pretty under-funded here(I have to wait like 3 months to see a fucking psychiatrist....).
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2011
  14. littleturtle

    littleturtle Member

    how old are you? if you don't mind me asking.

    i just don't see the fu cking point. i'm going to die someday anyway right? my mom tells me to go to school and make something out of my life. i could see myself doing that, but my point is... that isn't going to make me happy. i've heard enough times from people the meaning of life is to enjoy every moment and just be happy. how the fu ck do i find meaning if i'm always depressed as fu ck. it's been a year and a half already. 4-5 years if you count me lying to myself and just keeping it inside. what about when i'm 25? 30? more years feeling like this?
     
  15. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I'm 16.

    I think this all the time. At this point in time everyones asking me "so what do you want to do once you leave school?" and shit like that. Well....once I leave school I'll probly end up offing myself. I honestly have no idea what I would want to do and I guess it's because I just don't see the point. Then people will say something like "Well what are you gonna do with your life? You have to do something.", well I don't have to do anything with my life if I'm not gonna be around. Kinda like asking a person dieing of an incurable disease to make life plans that would be beyond their life expectancy. There's no point in it. Don't need to make plans if you're not gonna be around.
     
  16. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    this is the argument i am struggling with...my therapist uses the "f" word (future) and i pull him up on it...like he is trying to wind me up..i dont see or plan a future...the next minutes or hours are my future...tomorrow is a lifetime away and i dont think about it. i dont see how i am ever going to be happy or actually enjoy or want to live...but i dont want to hurt other peeps and make them feel bad...and i have things i need to do first and so i keep battling but getting ever more tired of it..everyone is different and you cant base your life on how others would act. dig deep and maybe you will find that something to keep you going another day.
     
  17. littleturtle

    littleturtle Member

    realizing, may be fu cked up, i want your opinions...

    i realize i'm NEVER going to get what i really want. the more i try the more i'll make my situation worse. life isn't fair, ok. i'll never find true happiness, ok. i understand life is serious business but let's be honest. none of this is ever gon matter one day cause we all eventually die. it sucks i'll never reach that level of enlightenment some others will, but it is what is right? i just have to live with this burden. it's really simple, the concept atleast.
     
  18. chipper

    chipper Well-Known Member

    failing beats the hell out of not trying.

    when it gets harder, try to concentrate on the little moments. i spend hours watching stand up comedians, comedy shows and movies. there are moments when i laugh. i try to concentrate on those moments to keep me going. it's superficial?

    then again, what isn't.
     
  19. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    everything you've described fits a person suffering from depression.

    sorry to state the obvious, but have you been to see a psychiatrist for an accurate diagnosis? if not, you really should. if it's depression anti depressants and therapy combined can make a real difference in your life. trust me, i have felt exactly as you describe and i don't feel that way anymore. i got help and the world opened up for me...
     
  20. Michael7

    Michael7 Member

    Feeling suicidal? yes most of the time.

    Doing anything about it?
    Taking Prescripted pills

    Does it work? Well why do you think I am writing on here

    Why don't you do 'it' then?
    Ouch! I don't really know, I get somewhere near doing it and it's like another part of my brain comes awake and holds me back.

    Why is this?
    Probably because I'm scared and frightened and confused.

    What do you think will happen in the future? A day will come when that part of my brain will not come awake and then it will be all over.

    Is this what you really want? At this particular time emphatically no! but when the big D waves at me it I'm not really then in my control.


    The above is my thought process when I am in a good place, I use questions and answers, does it work no! why do I use it? well I have no one else to talk to.

    Having said that I'm now 57 and it has got me through this far

    michael
     
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