couldn't speak

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by RainbowRose, Nov 18, 2013.

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  1. RainbowRose

    RainbowRose New Member

    I used to be in love with my brother's best friend. One night almost a year ago he finally kissed me. My dreams had come true. Then he disappeared for 3 months. When he came back around, he said he was scared of what my brother would think of him having feelings for me. I was flattered by this for some reason. Over the next few days there were some messages sent back and forth, nothing I'm in any way proud of. And then one night my brother was out of town. So he asked me if I wanted him to come over. I said yes. I previously told him I didn't want to have sex with him, at least not that soon. When he arrived he kept kissing me and I pushed him away once. Before I could say anything he said that if anything happened between us, he wouldn't disappear. Then he kissed me again and before I knew it we were on my bed fooling around. But then he asked to take his pants off. I said no. He took his pants off anyway. And at that point in time, I suddenly became scared. I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. I was frozen in fear. So when I felt him, in my mind I was screaming at him and hitting him. But in reality, I just lay there and let him take my virginity from me. The only reason he stopped was because he wanted to switch positions. And then I finally said stop. He stopped. People always say that when something bad happens to you, it happens in a blur. That's not true. I remember every second of that night. It was the worst 2 minutes of my life. I can't seem to forget about it and it replays in my head every day. I wish I had been strong enough to overcome my fear and push him off of me. I feel like I'm the one at fault because I didn't say anything or do anything. When I told my closest friends, they all said the same thing. That I was raped. I always used to think that rape meant getting beaten and forced to have sex with someone and being left for dead on the side of the road or something. But I know now that's not the only way it can happen. I see his face in the back of my head every day and it's the biggest weight on my shoulders. I don't want to live with this for the rest of my life, but how can this situation get better? And what's even worse, my brother is still friends with him. I haven't told him what happened. Should I? I just want to move on with my life, without having to worry about running into him when I'm around my brother. I never wish to see him again.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think you should tell your parents hun and get some therapy to heal they will helpyou or tell a teacher or councilor you trust at your school w ho will also guide you to someone that will help you heal
  3. TheCamel

    TheCamel Member

    Everyone deals with traumatic experiences differently; some people block it out completely, some people recall bits and pieces, and some people can remember every bit of it. The most important thing to do right now is to tell your parents and get this problem solved sooner than later. Also, make sure you're never alone with him, to always have a third person if your brother's friend is nearby.

    Also, having someone to talk to is pinnacle... you don't want to be dwelling on this forever and remain bottled up. If you ever need to talk, people here are always ready to listen, myself included.
  4. PatriciaAHunt

    PatriciaAHunt Member

    Talk to your parents, they'll know what to do and won't leave by your side. Asking professional help is a must. Hope everything is fine with you.
  5. me84

    me84 Active Member

    I was raped when I was 24 by a friend. I also pictured rape as a crime that included major violence or beating. I was wrong. You froze from natural fear it was and still is rape. I was afraid to speak up about my rape because he was drunk. But its still rape whether they are intoxicated or yourvto afraid to soeak. You're not alone fear of other people knowing or judging or assuming that you did something wrong and that you deserved any of this. I would recommend talking to your brother about the incident if you feel comfortable. unfortunately I know for me if I see the specific person from the encounter with my PTSD it triggers me into a very bad places. If you can't tell your brother the full truth maybe just tell him enough to keep him away from you. The memories do fade and with that comes peace. You are beautiful strong and amazing and you WILL make it through this.
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