counselling bring back flashback .

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by acecoffee, Oct 18, 2012.

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  1. acecoffee

    acecoffee Active Member

    this all started 2/3 years ago when i was staying in psychiatric hospital due to depression and suicide attempted. i always have a love-hate relationship with the wards, there's no privacy in there , yet it is the one place i know i will be safe. during a week leave from hospital ,i attempted to 'escape' from it by hiding and staying in my friends place on the last day i suppose to return (it all sound a bit 'out of it' but i didnt care by that moment )i was raped and he sent me home afterward . i suppose i was in shock or for some reason , (i didnt remember everything ,infact majority of it ) it didn't really hit me until after the morning of the next day , my behaviour gone completely downhill then esp the first few day . but eventually i calm down and wasn't affect by it.

    yet since about a 6 month after the incident , after the news of my friends' death and a book on abuse (my sister bought the book ) , i started to experience flashback. i avoid anything that will remind me . i would keep showering until i feel clean again , anything.

    as i am studying psychology , traumatic topic as such will be discuss in class and i had always react badly on them .
    i would bunk off class until i think it is 'safe' again . if it is even remotely mention , i would lock myself in the toilet (where i sat down and no one can see) .all sort of behaviour.

    After a discussion with my mentor at university , she advice counselling to me
    i eventually agree to it , but since then my mind been unsettling.
    I just started my first councelling today.
    we barely even talked about anything , all i mention is there's was a sexual assault incident.
    but the whole day it just kept on going in my head , flashed back kept on occurring , i feel so dirty .
    during mentoring session ,i had a flashed back , lock myself in the toilet , crying and shaking uncontrollably.
    i thought time is going to make everything better , but from what it look like ,
    there's no way out of this.

    I feel so small and powerless .
    i asked to leave after my mentor come and get me ,
    apprantly she was been saying my name outside for a while but i was too in the 'flash back'
    i havnt told her anything and just said i am okay when i leave .

    i felt really stupid and i know it is partly my fault .
    i know if i avoid everything related to it , i prob would be fine .
    but i am really exhausted every time after a flashback or breakdown and i dont like that .
    i dont really know what to do anymore .

    sorry for ranting .
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    What you do hun is you talk to a councellor a therapist that deals with trauma and yes you will be unsettle some with therapy but your therapist should always leave you at a place of safety in your mind. You get help now you know this has to be done right talk and talk and talk no need to feel ashamed the shame is not yours hun it is you attackers.
    You are not powerless you have the power to get stable hun you do.
  3. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    Hi, I have struggled with this too. But, I recommend finding someone who knows how to listen. If you want to talk to a fellow friend in the struggle I'm here too but I understand from my own experience...what I realized after lots of conflict, and determination, the real thing is you hire them to help you. They are paid professionals. And since all people are faulty not all therapists or councilors are the best...because I had one who wanted me to do eye movement integration with her, and every appointment would have me vividly visualize the gang rape in explicit detail where she waved a pen or marker in front of me as if it would wipe it away.

    In the end, it did go away. But screw her! She made it worse...sadly, and I respect she was only deluded by some New Age Nonsense about it making it disappear the more you visualized it in a calm setting. My dad thought she was crazy too. I had flashbacks for months and months after a few appointments, in fact she made it come back..I can still probably bring it up just thinking about that effing marker and those two sessions before I repeatedly told her to stop trying this Eye Movement Integration. But she kept nagging me to do it, and finally we're like...ok she's not helping..

    My new therapist is 100 percent better, i like her...I am only intimidated because she takes my problems very seriously, but it's better to have someone take you too seriously than not seriously enough. My therapist is also working with my psychiatrist. The other therapist had her own practice and worked more with couples counseling, and had no experience in Schizophrenia OR eye movement integration which she had only bought discs on....

    The ones who are the most concerned, I think those are the people who have the best intentions and care the most.

    Hope you can find a way to let it out and release the have every right not to bring it up if you do not want to. I've gotten sick of repeating my past to therapists, even on my first session. I think I may just stop telling them my past and demand that they deal with me now and not then. I mean is it really worth it to them to be so consumed in our past issues? We're supposed to be getting better, and sometimes it's hard enough just to sit there and smile.

    really hoping this helped you feel better, looking back all I want to do is laugh at the therapist's attempt to experiment with her technique. Actually laughter to me is the best medicine. I don't regret seeing her, she was a very nice woman and had well intentions...she just wasnt experienced enough to that stuff. Everyone's got their flaws. But I recommend seeing someone whose both in touch with themselves but also has experience with it beyond couple's counseling or college.

    Much love <3
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