Counting Down

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Starrbaby235, Jul 7, 2014.

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  1. Starrbaby235

    Starrbaby235 Member

    Life is not a gift; it is a burden.

    We are forced to be created, then forced to grow up and get an education and work to the bone until we die. While doing so we are monitored on a roller coaster ride getting pulled through death of others, racism, dead end jobs, and back stabbers. We are born alone and in the end we die alone. It has never been our choice and we will always be puppets, always a spec in the universe.

    Life had already dealt me bad hand when I was born female and black. Though I'm not all black, I'm black enough. My father was a sexist growing up, girls belonged in the kitchen and fixing his dinner while he and my brother layed about. To make it worse I went to an all white school growing up where I really learned how different I was. I was lighter than the other black girls, but darker than the whites. My hair was frizzy and curly and my eyes are dark. I have always hated the way I looked, the way the black barbie looked and the way people looked at me. It was racisim from both ends and both races. Every since I was young I swore to myself I will never have a child blacker than me, meaning I will never lay with a man more ethnic than me. I will never force my child to live as I did. They will live better. People already assume I'm biracial when really both of my parents are mixed so neither is full of anything... I still go by this promise to this day. Being female it is hard to find well paying jobs no matter if we're doing the same job he will get paid more.

    I suffered through high school and college with my bipolar, depression, borderline personality disorder and anxiety. Began suffering blackouts from panic attacks and seizures. Thought I got a break from life when they found a breast tumor when I was 20, but they removed it after it doubled in size in a month and began to sprout. Dropped out of college after my AAS while persuing my BA after a suicide attempt where I was removed from my room infront of everyone. Lost a lot of friends made more... Lived in the ward twice, and had another attempt. I keep failing at failing. Had 3 different jobs in the last year and now I'm at one making 60K but still unhappy and still at my mothers. She lost her job and it's only a matter of time before the house is foreclosed since I cannot afford it on my own.

    I got wrote up today I'm on my probationary phase at my new position but have had excessive tardies due to my pulling myself out of bed by my fingertips fighting tears to the entire drive to work. I have been trying to hide that I'm breaking down with no use. I was cornered like a small dog by my higher up and boss as they dug into me and I admitted my illness. I just feel like they don't care, they want a robot who is there everyday while they themselves are always gone. I work for the government and it is stressful. I was already breaking and fading and burried myself i alcohol and cigs to mask it. I just needed something to set me off, to add fire to my fuse. Well this certinally did the job. I'm in my car with the windows up and the air off, it's begining to cool off so this is something I'll have to attempt tomorrow on my lunch break in the heat...

    I just am tired of trying to please people who don't give a crap about me. No one truly cares, my mother only cares about my rent money, doctors only care about my money, and I've lost so many friends it's sad. I feel like I have no one I can lean on, no where to go, no way to change who I am. I will always wake up and see this dark skin, with dark eyes, and frizzy hair. I will always be this beast. I will always hate myself. I will never be good enough for any man or job.
     
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Starrbaby, I am sorry to hear how you are feeling right now, I am sorry to hear about what life has done to you - it's unfair and unkind and none of us chooses to be born. There's that phrase "I won't let the bastards beat me" - and everything you've written about can be put in the category of 'bastard' - but we don't have to let them beat us, because we can ALWAYS choose what our attitude will be - even if we want to shout and scream and holler at the top of our voice or set fire to our office or be rude to our mother. We don't have to spend our life trying to please people, that really is a recipe for burnout honey - because there will always be attitudes that come at us from others - but that is the problem of the ones who give it, we do not have to receive it :)

    I bet you are absolutely beautiful to look at by what you describe :) Society and its opinions are incapable of reflecting back to us our true worth and value - it's a good thing not to look there for our real identity, it's incapable of giving that to anyone - even the slenderest, whitest blue-eyed blonde born into luxury, they are actually, in real terms, a lot worse off because of the values that really matter :)
     
  3. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I have Borderline PD too. If you ever want to talk about it, or just talk in general feel free to PM me. Also, I think you're a very good writer. The way you structure your sentences and your vocabulary in general I think is exquisite. Have you ever tried writing a novel or poetry or anything? I think you'd be amazing at it.
     
  4. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to read about everything you've been through and are going through. You truly do have a lot on your plate, and it's a real testament to who you are by how you still manage to fight every day. A lot people wouldn't be that strong, and I bet you don't get enough credit for how strong you are.

    A lot of things about this life are really monotonous and aren't fair, and a lot of people are "puppets" in society, but I don't think you have to be. You come across as a very independent-thinker, and I think despite all your hardships and whatever you think about yourself that you are very bright and have a firm grasp on the world around you.

    I encourage you to hang on during this hard time and continue to post on here. This is a wonderful community of people who understand and care.
     
  5. Matthew

    Matthew New Member

    dear Starrbaby, I just joined today and this is my first reply. Your story motivated me. You sound like a very deep person. I admire your strength. I bet you are the one people turn to when things are bad. I know I would if we knew each other in the physical world. How are you doing now?
     
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