Life is not a gift; it is a burden. We are forced to be created, then forced to grow up and get an education and work to the bone until we die. While doing so we are monitored on a roller coaster ride getting pulled through death of others, racism, dead end jobs, and back stabbers. We are born alone and in the end we die alone. It has never been our choice and we will always be puppets, always a spec in the universe. Life had already dealt me bad hand when I was born female and black. Though I'm not all black, I'm black enough. My father was a sexist growing up, girls belonged in the kitchen and fixing his dinner while he and my brother layed about. To make it worse I went to an all white school growing up where I really learned how different I was. I was lighter than the other black girls, but darker than the whites. My hair was frizzy and curly and my eyes are dark. I have always hated the way I looked, the way the black barbie looked and the way people looked at me. It was racisim from both ends and both races. Every since I was young I swore to myself I will never have a child blacker than me, meaning I will never lay with a man more ethnic than me. I will never force my child to live as I did. They will live better. People already assume I'm biracial when really both of my parents are mixed so neither is full of anything... I still go by this promise to this day. Being female it is hard to find well paying jobs no matter if we're doing the same job he will get paid more. I suffered through high school and college with my bipolar, depression, borderline personality disorder and anxiety. Began suffering blackouts from panic attacks and seizures. Thought I got a break from life when they found a breast tumor when I was 20, but they removed it after it doubled in size in a month and began to sprout. Dropped out of college after my AAS while persuing my BA after a suicide attempt where I was removed from my room infront of everyone. Lost a lot of friends made more... Lived in the ward twice, and had another attempt. I keep failing at failing. Had 3 different jobs in the last year and now I'm at one making 60K but still unhappy and still at my mothers. She lost her job and it's only a matter of time before the house is foreclosed since I cannot afford it on my own. I got wrote up today I'm on my probationary phase at my new position but have had excessive tardies due to my pulling myself out of bed by my fingertips fighting tears to the entire drive to work. I have been trying to hide that I'm breaking down with no use. I was cornered like a small dog by my higher up and boss as they dug into me and I admitted my illness. I just feel like they don't care, they want a robot who is there everyday while they themselves are always gone. I work for the government and it is stressful. I was already breaking and fading and burried myself i alcohol and cigs to mask it. I just needed something to set me off, to add fire to my fuse. Well this certinally did the job. I'm in my car with the windows up and the air off, it's begining to cool off so this is something I'll have to attempt tomorrow on my lunch break in the heat... I just am tired of trying to please people who don't give a crap about me. No one truly cares, my mother only cares about my rent money, doctors only care about my money, and I've lost so many friends it's sad. I feel like I have no one I can lean on, no where to go, no way to change who I am. I will always wake up and see this dark skin, with dark eyes, and frizzy hair. I will always be this beast. I will always hate myself. I will never be good enough for any man or job.