Counting Down.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by slim_to_none, May 21, 2007.

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  1. slim_to_none

    slim_to_none Well-Known Member

    i just found out that even though im still actively suicidal my pdoc is sending me home from IP on friday.
    it sounds stupid but this is a last ditch effort again. this post.

    im thinking ill do it friday night.
    or saturday night.
    ive had enough.
    (yet again).
  2. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Would you rather talk about it? We listen!
  3. slim_to_none

    slim_to_none Well-Known Member

    i do want to talk.
    but i dont want to waste anyones time.
    and i am a waste of time.
    and effort.

    im too much of a downer for my own good.
  4. Sakura

    Sakura Well-Known Member

    Listen here little miss and I just became good friends, and I'm not going to lose either you, or this newfound friendship you here :hug:

    So you better send me a PM...asap! Because I want to need to know what's happening with you, and see if there is any way that I can possibly help you out :hug:

    Love ya hon...please talk with us...let us know what's going on, so that we can all come together to help you out, and be there for you :hug:

    Last edited by a moderator: May 21, 2007
  5. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    No hun, we are happy to listen :arms: and we would like to help you through your crisis. Please dont give up hun, feel free to send me a pm anytime; i get back to you as fast as i can.
    :hug: i care for you
  6. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Yeah i know ive not been online much so im not much use but i miss you and am always here if you need to sorry your still in such pain and not finding professionals much help.You wouldnt be wasting my time. i see you as a friend [hope thats ok!] and id rather be trying to help you when i cant be solving my own problems right now!!im here to help.......

    Take care
  7. Tara

    Tara Guest

    Ditto to what everyone else has said!

    You are not wasting ANYONES time. thats what we are here for, to help and support each other. please dont ever feel like you cant come to us.
  8. slim_to_none

    slim_to_none Well-Known Member

    i dont know what to say.
    im in a bit of shock at the moment.
    to top off a bad day i just found out that a friend from another forum has passed away.
    (cancer, not suicide).

    and all i can think about is suicide.
    i am the most selfish person in the world.

    its disgusting.

    according to the nurse who just came into my room for all of 2 minutes.
    i look a lot happier. more animated.
    uhh, okay. the only reason i can come up with for that is that i know im going home and i have started writing my letters and organising my affairs as much as i can from here.

    this is real.
    and it hurts.

    im sorry im rambling.
    i wrote about my friend in the uncertainity principal section.

    i. just. dont. know.
  9. Tara

    Tara Guest

    :hug: oh im so sorry to hear about your friend. I hope you can get through this.

    You are not selfish, most people who lose a dear friend/relative feels the exact same way.
    you just have to remember that it was just her/his time and that he/she is not suffering anymore. he/she's in a better place right now, and looking down on you.

    He/She wouldnt want to see you harming/thinking of harming yourself.

    do you think going home will help you? or do u think you are going to be worse? usually being around people will help you keep your chin up.

    I hope you feel better soon, thinking of you :hug:
  10. slim_to_none

    slim_to_none Well-Known Member

    i am preying she is in a better place. it is just a shock.
    and one i didnt need. and dont want to be real. i feel numb. like it isnt real.
    but i know it is real.

    for me. going home wont be a good thing. here i am contained. i havent got the access to things i have at home. no sharps, no pills, nothing. at home, i have a collection of the afore mentioned items.

    and to be quite honest. im afraid of myself. i am one person, i dont have multiple personalities or anything, but there is an ill me, and a well me, and the ill me wants to kill me, hurt me, anything and everything it can do. the well me, thats just a tiny bit. barely anything. and im scared of the illness in me. i hate it. but i cannot escape it.

    sorry. im babbling. im really tired. and i cant sleep.....
  11. Tara

    Tara Guest

    i bet it is(a shock). i cant imagine how hurt u must feel right now :hug:

    do you think you should mention that? i dont want you to go home and hurt yourself? could you perhaps stay at a relatives or friends house until you feel able enough to go home and be able to resist temptation?

    that sounds awful hun, i couldnt imagine how that feels :hug: i wish i had the secret answer to make it all go away :(
  12. slim_to_none

    slim_to_none Well-Known Member

    you're right. its a total and utter shock. considering she passed in april only a few days before my birthday. i feel guilty that she was taken. she wanted to live. i dont want to live yet i keep surviving through things. i feel like i live in a crisis.

    i can go stay with my family when i leave here, but i dont know. my family seem to make things worse without even trying. they're good like that. ive already said i will stay there friday night, and i have a day camp for my volunteer group on saturday. so i guess essentially i am safe till saturday night.

    i want a nurse to come around about now. i feel as though i need someone. but i cant explain losing someone ive never actually met to a nurse. they wouldnt understand. and the crying ive just passed off as me feeling depressed. i hate that i cant explain this to anyone.

    and i hate feeling vulnerable. and i feel vulnerable. i have a feeling my doctor will give me unaccomapanied leave from tomorrow when he comes in. and i know that i am going to go and start buying up what i need. i need someone to talk me out of this.

    the one person in my life who i would talk to about this is currently not speaking to me. shes not speaking to anyone though. she attempted suicide herself the day after i last did. which is only a week and a bit ago. i would talk to her, but i cant. shes not answering my calls. and only responding to texts by apologising and saying she doesnt want to speak to anyone.

    i feel like im alone. i know im not. this site is showing me i am not alone.

    i dont know. i should have been asleep hours ago. its late. the nurses are coming in regularly now to see if im asleep yet. i just got asked to turn my computer off, and i refused. typical. always trying to harm myself somehow.
    its not like the meds are doing anything. my brain is on overdrive.

    plans.plans.plans.plans. its killing me planning. im so stuck.

    sorry im babbling.
  13. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Here you are not alone. Most people here are themselves depressed, but a bunch of weak twigs together forms a strong bundle that does not break as easily as a single twig. You can talk to me on msn when you feel like it.
  14. slim_to_none

    slim_to_none Well-Known Member

    im still counting down.
    its tuesday now.

    saturday is 4 days away.
    i cant believe its 4 days.
    it seems so long.

    and it hurts so damm much.
    no one has the time for me IRL.
    i keep trying.
    and all they're doing today, is diagnosing me as borderline anemic, and shoving a huge cocktail of drugs down me once i finish my lunch and making me go to bed.

    i just want to curl up and cry. i keep asking for help.
    its not helping me.
    nothing is helping me.
    im trying to reach out, and im being rejected.

    im actually okay with them drugging me to sleep this afternoon.
    maybe it'll pass the time.

  15. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Shhh, relax for one moment, honey. Time will be here even after Saturday, and hopefully so will you.
  16. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member

    hi StN

    i FEEL your heart and soul bleeding.... :sad: i'm just in the same boat and i don't even care that i'm not driving the boat. i've seen your posts and you have so much love and kindness to give that it makes me smile. i think if all of us people who were in pain could go off on an island (the island of peace and relief)and just be good to each other. wouldn't taht be better tahn locking us up and calling us crazy... we're not crazy we are human beings in pain. and we suffer so and i dont' know that i'll make it through another week but if i do than i'll hvae to wait until i can find another safe window where i cant' even expire wtihout a huge rigamarole. heck i left my ex a final (but he may not know it's a final and think i'll call again) and hopefully he wont' go get a restraining order so that i don't call him; i'm praying to god that i'm given at least taht to not have to deal with that. i'm not stalking just venting and unfortunately it may not be seen that way.

    so StN i've taken your pain to heart and i wish i could remedy things for you and hope that someting miraculous helps you. i think you're lucky tht they will at least drug you because if i could just sleep at times when i'm down (instead i have insomnia and regular sleep meds don't work or if they do only for 3 hours max--sleep is even betraying me) i might be able to regenerate hope. this isn't asking for ways to OD but does anyone have a suggestin to ask my primary for anti anxiety medicine without tehm hitting the panic button. i pledge on a bible i'm not seeking ways to OD on anxiety medicine i think it might help my disturbed mind ramblings; i have plenty of pain meds to do this and i have the heaviest pain med you can pretty much take that i've obtained but can't afford to get more as it is expensive and that's how iknw it will work costand amount of pain med ingredients. so i'm assuming maybe a moderator would be able to help where again i'm not asking for any anti life reasons for the anxiety medicine. i'mjust trying to get strength after being locked up in a small apartment. besides if i abuse the meds i will never be able to get them again when i need them and i dnt' want to jeopardize getting the needed relief i need.

    StN you are worth living and i may not be but you have so much to offer the world and you have suck a caring heart, i wish you safety and good health. please look in the mirror and appreciate the kind soul looking back in your soulful eyes. you are an old soul i feel that in my bones. i'm an old soul too. i dabble in astrologyand in it there is "old soul" written on many planets. maybe that's the reason we who have issues do is because we are "old souls" and are seeking peace and serenity.... we've lived many lives and deserve this not the agony we are in.

    i wish you were counting up into a better life. for you i get a feeling it can be but it will take energy and sometimes we dont' have any of that left. i believe once we decide suicide is the only way out we are drained physically and psychologically. i wish i could send you a basketful of serenity and peace of mind StN; i REALLY do.
    smiles going your way and a soothing soul hug;even thogh im counting down too in a way i believe in you--can't believe in me because i've lived over 40 years and have had so much bringing me down and it's nt idle stuff; people who care have siad i'm nothaving a pity party (and none of us is guilty of that) and that i've sure had a shit life. so it's been confirmed and that's why if i knewi could keepthe meds down i would do it all in heartbeat right now. had i continued earlier today i might not be here now....
  17. slim_to_none

    slim_to_none Well-Known Member

    thank you two. seriously. replies in this forum mean so damm much.

    ive slept 99% of the day. they chose to knock me out.

    and it still hurts.
    im just counting down the minutes.
    i dont know how i can keep going.

    maybe if i could lose some weight i'd be happy.

    i dont know.

  18. slim_to_none

    slim_to_none Well-Known Member

    im not going to waste another thread by starting something new.
    im going to just keep babbling in here.

    ive spent the last two hours crying.
    everything. anything. it all hurts. im letting everyone down.
    i had my mum in tears.
    she told me that every time she drives over a particular bridge in melb (every day) she thinks about turning the wheel and driving into the river.
    (ie - suicide).
    purely because she cant take the idea that i might die before her.
    and she talked about her (my mum i mean) best friend, who had a daughter who killed herself.
    mum talked about how her best friend coped with losing her daughter. and how she didnt cope.
    mums best friends youngest is my age and we grew up together and we knew kim killed herself. but we never knew how, or why.
    mum still wont tell me.

    im devistated.

    she wants me to start planning what i want to do in life.
    all i want to do is die.
    end this.
    it hurts.
    and she said i need to keep fighting the hurt.
    apparently ive been fighting too long to give up.
    i believe ive been fighting too long to keep fighting.

    i dont know. 13 minutes till a nurse (who actually will spend time with me) is coming down to talk to me.
    im a mess.
    im still being discharged friday.
    and im staying with my family indefinantly now.

    unfortunatly they're not around much.
    and there are a LOT of chemists within easy access.
    2 of those dammed chemist wherehouse places where everything is sold in bulk and cheap.

    im planning.
    and im scared.

    they dont go together.

    sorry. rambling.....

    help. please.
  19. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'll help however I can from a long distance. Perhaps you should stop fighting and just start living. I know it is easier said than done but sometimes the easy solutions are the hardest ones to find. Take care! :hug:
  20. slim_to_none

    slim_to_none Well-Known Member

    thank you shadowlands.
    you're really being lovely to someone you dont know other than just words on a screen.

    i feel like crying.
    every single time i close my eyes i see my own demise.
    i see a blade. i see my arm. i see the cut. the blood.
    its like i see it every time i close my eyes. doing it. i can just imagine it.
    ive bored myself tonight by organising my weekend.
    im postponing saturday for sunday i think.

    im getting stoned on saturday night.

    my best friend phoned earlier, she hasnt been talking to me.
    and yeah, we're going to get trashed and stoned sat night.
    ive always been such a good person. i quit the drink because i had a problem. i think ive smoked weed about 4 times in my LIFE.
    and at the moment, i want to go back to the drink, i want to be stoned, i want to shove every single drug i can think of into my body.

    this is not good.

    at the moment, its either go insane one way, or be trying to kill myself before the weekend is over.

    i feel like a child complaining.
    im not. im adult. and im hurting. and i dont have any other outlets that are safe.
    i dont know what to do.

    im hitting my self distruct button and this is what is coming of it.
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