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Counting the Days

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reborn1961

#1
#1
April 5 is just around the corner. That is when the external stressors I am dealing with reach their climax. I have been here before with attempts but not quite under circumstances of losing everything and not knowing where I where live or how I will take care of myself.

I thought I was recovering ok from last years attempt that hospitalized me for 3 weeks. But as each month passes I drift back into that dark world that will not let me go. I am scared as I know myself and I am starting into two worlds. One in which I go to a sheltor and find a way to survive and the other world where I am planning my death. I am so sick of this rollercoaster with suicide. Obviously I suck at it because I am still here.

I am not sure what I am writing, I just started to feel the anxiety building and normally find some comfort in this site. I really do not know if I can make it. It feels like I am going to snap at any moment but I am also trying to stay focused. I am so lost right now.
 
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Robin

#2
#2
I know starting at the bottom of the ladder is a hard thing to cope with, when I get low and disaster scenarios run through my mind, the fear of homelessness is a major cause for consternation but maybe the shelter won't be such a bad idea, it's better than the streets and hopefully you will be relatively safe and fed with a roof over your head. It's times like these that I feel most impotent and I wish I could do things for my friends that helped them in the real world, not just over cyberspace.

April 5th isn't too far away and I worry for your well being after that but if you could use the internet to research as much as possible all the possible help you can get and from where in your area then hopefully you will land on both feet. Until that time pls drop me a pm anytime you need support, I'm about :hug:
 
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~CazzaAngel~

Staff Alumni
#3
#3
Aww.. I am sorry you are starting to feel that way. It's a horrible way to feel. I am kinda in the ballpark when it comes to the two worlds.. but I am in 3. Hun, if you'd ever like to talk about anything, please.. know i'm here for you anytime. :hug:





xx


PS - I've missed you around the forum.
 
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Forgotten_Man

Well-Known Member
#4
#4
Just take a breath and relax hun. I have found that stress triggers my suicidal tendencies a great deal. What you need to do is get your mind off the stress. Go find a way to relieve the stress... in whatever non-illegal way you.:laugh:

But seriously, stress triggers and dams up the desires. For me I would be so stressed that I would not even think about suicide for a whole month. Then one day the dam breaks and it all comes flowing forth. You just need to take time to relax the stress off. I find that working out is always a good one. step outsides and run for 2 or 3 miles. Myself I play DDR.

I know you can make it through this hun. It takes a lot of strength to make it through what you have already.
 
gentlelady

gentlelady

Staff Alumni
#5
#5
I know April 5 is coming soon and such a difficult time for you reborn. Please know that we are here for you on that day and any other day as well. You are a beautiful person and I would like to see you stay safe. Please reach out to us and let us take you by the hand. We can help lead you through the dark days. I am here for you through PM's, chat, whatever you need hun.Make sure you surround yourself with those that love you. You have friends here and we do care. Take hold. Together we are strong. :hug:
 
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Forgotten_Man

Well-Known Member
#6
#6
gentlelady said:
I know April 5 is coming soon and such a difficult time for you reborn. Please know that we are here for you on that day and any other day as well. You are a beautiful person and I would like to see you stay safe. Please reach out to us and let us take you by the hand. We can help lead you through the dark days. I am here for you through PM's, chat, whatever you need hun.Make sure you surround yourself with those that love you. You have friends here and we do care. Take hold. Together we are strong. :hug:
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What gentlelady said, even if we can only express our love and caring for you in the form of text and goofy yellow circles.
 
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reborn1961

#7
#7
Thank you for caring enough to respond. Things are not improving but I guess I didn't expect them to. Funny thing is I am not abusing substances or doing anything I used to do that got me in trouble. Yet I seem somewhat calm, perhaps numb.

I come to SF and look around and there are so many new people and I can't seem to find too many of the folks I spoke to often. Those I can find are now moderators thus they are limited in some conversations due to their obligation to the website. Don't get me wrong, they are great people and I know that first hand. I also know that websites are like businesses and there are liabilities that have to be considered. Sometimes I just want to talk the matter out but fear that certain words could get me in trouble. I will keep searching here for a little while. I guess I even feel a little lost on SF as well as in life. Thank you
 
gentlelady

gentlelady

Staff Alumni
#8
#8
Please don't feel you have to change who you would talk to because of their change in title. We are all still members first. Many of us are here for the same reasons. If you need to talk elsewhere, I am willing to do that. PM me and I will give you MSN, AIM, Yahoo, or skype addresses. If you have any of those, I am more than willing to talk to you away from the forum if you would be more comfortable. I am sure others would too. I wish to see you safe. Sometimes when we are feeling at our lowest, just having someone sitting there with a listening ear helps out. Just don't be alone when you need to reach out. I am thinking about you, especially as the date crawls closer. Take care. :hug:
 
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Forgotten_Man

Well-Known Member
#9
#9
reborn1961 said:
Thank you for caring enough to respond. Things are not improving but I guess I didn't expect them to. Funny thing is I am not abusing substances or doing anything I used to do that got me in trouble. Yet I seem somewhat calm, perhaps numb.

I come to SF and look around and there are so many new people and I can't seem to find too many of the folks I spoke to often. Those I can find are now moderators thus they are limited in some conversations due to their obligation to the website. Don't get me wrong, they are great people and I know that first hand. I also know that websites are like businesses and there are liabilities that have to be considered. Sometimes I just want to talk the matter out but fear that certain words could get me in trouble. I will keep searching here for a little while. I guess I even feel a little lost on SF as well as in life. Thank you
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I am not a mod, you can come talk to me any time ok :laugh:

I am glad to hear you are not relying on substances that is not the way to go. You know what helps me feel better? Working out, playing DDR riding my bike hell even going for a long walk.

If you wanna talk I love to talk I feel so lonely on the net sometimes when no one talks. I am here though. Feel better, if you just relax and do not think about the day coming you will be just fine.
 
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reborn1961

#10
#10
I have tried walks, reading, music. It is like I am in this well in the ground and I can see an opening way up top but it is closing. The walls are wet with tears and slippery so I can't get a grip to try and get out of the well. The ground below is becomming soft and it feels like my feet are sinking into the ground. I think the ground will swallow me before I find a way out. I don't think I have ever felt such emptyness inside, like there is nothing in me that I can use to help me. I am crying less and showing emotion less. I wonder that when I approach that moment, will I even know what I am doing.
 
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Robin

#11
#11
Have you managed to do any research with your remaining time on the computer? Anything that can help get you back on your feet, even though it may take a while would be worth it. I hope you find you can still talk to me, even if it's a pm, I worry about you greatly and just want to see you safe :hug:
 
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reborn1961

#12
#12
Thanks Robin. I have exhausted options. Maybe God will direct my path but if he does not, then I must direct it. I will drop you a PM before Sunday. Take care.
 
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Fantasia

Member
#13
#13
Hey.
I'm sorry all us newbies make you feel it is hard to talk abou tyour things, but I know I want to give support as well as hopefully recieve it.
I'm sorry I can't help x
p.s I hope God will help you in your path, I'll keep you in my prayers x
 
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Robin

#14
#14
I will also keep you in my prayers also (they're more like one way dialogues with God though), you are cared for a great deal.
 
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