April 5 is just around the corner. That is when the external stressors I am dealing with reach their climax. I have been here before with attempts but not quite under circumstances of losing everything and not knowing where I where live or how I will take care of myself. I thought I was recovering ok from last years attempt that hospitalized me for 3 weeks. But as each month passes I drift back into that dark world that will not let me go. I am scared as I know myself and I am starting into two worlds. One in which I go to a sheltor and find a way to survive and the other world where I am planning my death. I am so sick of this rollercoaster with suicide. Obviously I suck at it because I am still here. I am not sure what I am writing, I just started to feel the anxiety building and normally find some comfort in this site. I really do not know if I can make it. It feels like I am going to snap at any moment but I am also trying to stay focused. I am so lost right now.