Courage Hurts and Fear Helps?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by stopthethoughts, Dec 6, 2011.

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  1. Okay this is probably going to be a weird post, but:

    I've been living with a lot of fear for a long time and
    Whenever I feel courageous enough to get over the fear
    And to embrace the courage -- that seems to make me suicidal

    As if the fear is distracting me from the thoughts, keeping me occupied
    And when I'm courageous enough to do anything -- my mind seems to go straight to the bad
    As if it's some test of my courage to be able to achieve it
    To not fear death - the greatest of all fears

    I probably sound psychotic writing this
    And I think I know that my "logic" is really messed up

    But this is all about feelings
    And I can't help the way I feel
    I've had this fear buried my whole life
    Fear for a lot of reasons

    I don't understand why without this fear
    that I feel like I want to die

    When the fear comes back, then I get preoccupied with it again
    And my thoughts leave suicide
    And I fight with the terrors
    That haunt me

    Being released from them,
    You'd think I would be happy
    You'd think I would be free
    To live my life
    And be independent
    To finally have a chance in this world

    But I seem to want to destroy myself
    As if I'm angry at myself
    And I hate myself
    I have so much destructiveness within
    I just don't know how to live with it
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun i do u nderstand that self hatred inside I do hope you can reach out hun and get some therapy to help heal you some. Is there someone you can talk to about how you are feeling and perhaps get some councilling to help get you on a different thought path so to speak You can pm me anytime hun okay but if you get that urge to harm you please call for help okay you can feel better hun there is hope okay please reach out and get some support.
  3. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs and friendship ((STT))... I relate to your post on several levels. I live in a constant state of fear, and for me, I think of suicide as a "safety net" of sorts. The idea that I can "check out" when my fears catch up to me has always been oddly comforting. For me, the fear of confrontation, abandonment and discovering that I'm "crazy" overwhelm me every moment of every day. I wish I had the magical solution to erase your fears (and mine), unfortunately, I don't. But I can promise you that you're among friends here on SF, and that I am most certainly one of them. If you are not working with a therapist/counceller, I would strongly recommend you start. And antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds can also help. Thank you for reaching out... feel free to message me anytime. :console:
  4. Thank you for the replies and support.

    Yeah, I do have a counsellor, thanks for asking. She is great, but I just feel like I need more intense work than I can afford. I have so much I need to get out and I feel I have little coping skills compared to my needs.

    I'm sorry you deal with fears, too, ZasuArt. I know what you mean, it's hard for me to admit that I could have a mental illness.

    It's interesting how you say suicidal thoughts have comforted you when thinking of your fears. I think I have the opposite effect. For me, the fear itself -- the "freeze" response -- is the only thing that's been keeping me from checking out. Once I felt absent of fear, it felt like I could do anything including suicide. So I think the suicidal thoughts were lying dormant underneath the fear.

    It's like now that I've unlearned the blanket fear response to so many things, I need to relearn that fear is very useful in certain situations -- such as suicide -- and that I should be afraid of death, not looking to it as some new adventure, since I can't live to participate in that adventure so it defeats the purpose. I just wanted to get rid of the fear of safe things, but keep the fear of truly dangerous things and harming myself. I guess that will be quite a challenge!
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