courage me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by devinfx99, May 17, 2011.

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  1. devinfx99

    devinfx99 New Member

    I don't know if I'm in a right place. I have been wandering around, seeking for some sort of forum where people will support other people to commit suicide. I know that its bad, like real bad. Some says I'm not grateful enough, outside you see I'm at least still got food and place to live, cellphone to use, internet to surf and money to spent even if not much. Simple and like its all fine, yeah, its all fine. And in this reality I'm in, when I said I'm not fine, they will shake their head and said, "which of you is not fine. You have it all. Can't you be grateful that at least you're not poor or sick?" Somehow I wish that I'm just some sick girl or what that its all will be over soon. It sounds like really bitchy but I don't know, I just feel like so.
    I just don't think that I'm worth it, simply easy and annoying statement that people just heard. I have been keeping the feeling inside me and be denial about it, pretending that I'm likeable and all when I'm not.
    Today, my college friend came to my town, I was excited and stuffs because finally I have some friends that would like to hang with me and everything but all were false. I can see from their faces and the words they said, they didn't enjoy it all. My town isn't a city and there's nothing much in it, its maybe the problem, but no. They just don't like it, don't like me. One of them actually wouldn't come along, or maybe two, the other succeed on making them come around and so on. From the first step they are already complaining and all, I know they regretted the fact that they made it to my town. To be honest, I already knew they wouldn't want to be in my town since last night, the rejection had been seen, one of my classmate was just being nice to still come around. Somehow, they can just say it to my face that they wouldn't come around, rather than make excuses or just talking shit about it behind the back.
    Today, I was talking to my online crush. He just didn't get on last night, he rarely get on lately with reasons. I understood but today I was just fucked and I threw all the emotions at him. And all he said was "why don't you just find someone new?" I was taken aback, can't deny that I was hurt. So I apologized, didn't want to argue, I don't want him to hurt himself. I love him, but its impossible, many reason and the top one is he doesn't even love me. I know the reason he hung around is because he's just being nice. He just doesn't care. I knew fromthe way he talked to me last night, he's just not there anymore, I feel like a used thing that finally get boring and its almost the time that he's going to leave me. And I just can't tell him how I feel, he'd feel bad and it won't be good. Badly I want to say it all but its just pointless.
    Still today, I thought that I would make a new friend, instead its just someone who wants to exchange some nudes.
    Maybe after this, you who were reading would say that its all not a big deal. I could just suck it all up and deal instead of being all emo and shits. Its not a big problem. I'm not someone who deal with those harder stuffs. You'd just think that I was just thinking too much and make all of this myself. Truly, its how I feel. I just wish someone would understand and would listen to me. But, actually nobody, it feels pointless to even talk about it to someone, no one really give a fuck when you're down. I learned it by nature. And stuffs like this, as they said emo person's shit, no one would listen. I'm just like those emo people that want attention. Well yeah, you're right, I want attention, happy? If feelings are writable, probably some people will have more of understanding.
    courage me to commit suicide? You probably would think that this wasn't even something to commit suicide for. But I hardly see any point in doing the business of living anymore, no one really appreciate my existence, and I'm tired of dealing with the heartache and I just don't feel like wanting to go on anymore. The world of social living don't need people like me. Yeah, I'm a coward I can't kill myself. I need some courage. Then probably I will try to write beautiful paragraphs for my suicides notes instead of a fucked up one like this
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just want you to know I'm listening, and if you want to talk, you can PM me.

    SF is a pro-life site, which means that nobody here will encourage you to hurt yourself in any way. But I hope you'll stay and post, because there are a LOT of supportive, caring people here.
     
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    while gratitude can be a good thing, I think that people often don't see that it's what you are experiencing on the inside that is most important. there are people who are very poor, but are still very happy people. beyond basic material needs, money won't really make you happy if you don't have good relationships with other people
     
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