Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by amicrazy, Dec 23, 2012.

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  1. amicrazy

    amicrazy Well-Known Member

    someone from my high school class killed himself a few nights ago. we were not close, i think we only had a conversation once. i remember that conversation in great detail. i could tell then he was sad. over the years, whenever i had the opportunity, i watched him. i thought he was cute, he was intriguing, an obvious tortured soul. we became facebook friends - i think i friended him but i'm not sure. he was a photographer and brilliant at it. once in a while i would peruse his page, read his statuses, look at his pictures and pictures of him. someone can never remove sadness from their eyes, but his exterior made it seem like he was in a good place.

    in the week leading up to his suicide i couldn't get him off my mind. i was having my own suicidal thoughts, stronger ones than i've had in a while, maybe ever. i thought about the conversation we had, about how he somehow seemed to be controlling his hurt. from what i've seen on facebook i'm pretty sure he shared his demons with a few close friends but most people had no idea he was suffering. he was very good at hiding, putting on a smile, pretending to be happy. i didn't need to know him well to know he was sad. people like us can see the pain in others. we speak with kindness because we know how easily people can hurt.

    if you knew me in real life you would say i'm one of the happiest people you know. a few people pick up on subtle hints, but most are too preoccupied with their own life to realize what's right in front of them. most people, as they get close to me, eventually believe i have no feelings. because i'm just that god damn good at smiling, making everyone around me feel good. so was he.

    after i found out what he did i couldn't stop crying (except when i went to class - visine to clear my eyes, ice to clear the puffiness.) no one had a clue what i was thinking, what i was feeling. the night of the "apocalypse" i posted an inspirational message of love and compassion on facebook. those from my high school would think it was about his suicide and it was. people from my college would think it was about a friend who was murdered, and it was. but the people i go to school with now, the friends i see every day, the people training to save and to heal, not one of them asked me what my status was about. none of them stopped to ask what inspired me to write something so emotional when i never show emotion. no one asked who the initials at the bottom were. my status got some likes, but it only proved that people don't want to know what's wrong, what's happening in the lives of those they see every day. no one gives a shit until it's too late.

    i was thinking about him in the days leading up to his suicide, thoughts of him intertwined in thoughts of my own suicide. something in the universe brought us together in our desperation. i cried the next three days, not because i was sorry he lost the battle, but because he finally won.

    people think it's cowardly to commit suicide, but to commit suicide takes tremendous bravery. it's easy to keep living, to keep living for everyone else, to keep living so you don't hurt the people you love, the people that love you. but to put aside your obligation to society, to friends, to family, so you can finally do what you yearn for, that takes real courage. i cried for three days, not for his loss, but for his gain. he's finally free.

    he was doing what he loved. i am doing what i love. he loved and he was loved. i love an i am loved. he wanted to end his pain and he did. i want to end my pain but i haven't.

    i don't want a different life. i don't want any life. i don't want to hurt my family, i don't want to hurt my friends, but i don't want to keep hurting myself. for years i've thought about it, but only the past month or 2 have i thought about going through with it. and now... i've never been so close to the edge.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    His depression won over his sadness was not healed inside his soul

    He did not win hun his illness took over and he did not have the strength to fight anymore

    I don't think he wanted to leave anyone in pain or sadness

    I think he would have fought on longer if he could

    He did not want people to see his vulnerable side and perhaps if he did then the support the care would have been there to help him hold on longer.

    Suicide is not courageous don't make it out to be something it is not it is an illness that has taken over ones mind that has taken control away from a person who like you said saw beauty through his lens.
    I wish someone did see and did help him and I hope and pray you can honor his life in someway but getting help and support for YOU now hun

    Don't let the illness win hun ok not when there is support and care for you.
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I don't think that anyone ever wants to die, but just for the pain to end

    if you can get to the heart of why you feel so much pain, you may be able to find a way to get better

    if you're close to the edge, why not try taking some meds or going to therapy. nothing to lose in that.

    maybe there is something in my sig link that might help.

    I have the feeling that you are someone that could help a lot of other people if only you could find a way to save yourself

    hope that things can get better soon!
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