covered in scars (TRIGGERING)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by organic_anagram, Mar 5, 2016.

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  1. I am very new to these forums.

    If you are sensitive to reading about self-harm, THIS WILL VERY LIKELY TRIGGER YOU!

    Since early high school (I'd guess age 15), I've been self-harming. Unlike most people, there's no definitive "trigger" when I go to do what I do. It's usually a result of constantly feeling empty... so being in pain is at least something to feel. It's slowly grown into an addiction; the rush of endorphins is almost intoxicating. Almost ten years later, I still go through periods of self-harming, one "session" which occurred just two days ago.

    I'm not a conventional self-harmer - or so I've been told.

    My left arm and leg are currently battlegrounds of rather gross deformities, the latter of which has had many months to heal. I'm a heavy drinker, so sometimes I'll be three sheets to the wind when I'm doing this.

    I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My parents see my scars and are both revolted and concerned. My friends either shame me for it or show similar worry as my parents. I have so many scars I don't dare to count. I'm currently unemployed and have been for almost two months, and being covered in obviously self-inflicted wounds isn't exactly conducive to finding gainful employment. I'm very self-conscious about my scars, but I usually find myself unable to stop or, at the very least, find something else to distract myself from the emptiness. I've tried the rubber-band technique, but it's not even close. I'll snap myself with the bands as hard as I can, but to little effect.

    I'm not really looking for someone to talk to about this... but I feel a little better knowing that it's all strewn out like this. I doubt my story will aid anyone suffering similarly, but getting my feelings out is cathartic in its own regard.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 5, 2016
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome to the forum! I'm sorry you've been in such distress. If we can help to distract you from any self-destructive impulses, please ask for support. I hope life feels better to you soon!
  3. some_random_name

    some_random_name Well-Known Member

    Your story sounds similar to mine. The only difference is no one knows about my self harming. If you ever need to talk to someone just pm and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. I hope you're feeling better now.
  4. Thank you both for your kind words. Unfortunately, I'm not doing much better. Alcohol remains my only respite against the gnawing anxiety and emptiness, but as mentioned it does tend to lead to more severe self-harming. Depression, worthlessness, helplessness, and hopelessness seem to be the primary motifs of my life so far. I wish this weren't the case, but I feel more and more powerless with each passing day.
  5. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Have you reached out for any professional help to help you get away from this?

    Furthermore please try to distract yourself when the urges come, I am so sorry you are struggling with this, though. I struggle with SH myself and have for 13 years now. I am currently getting help though.

    Do you have any hobbies that could help you distract you when the urges come? I find keeping my hands busy help, stuff like painting, colouring, crocheting, writing etc.
    Also, a method that also works when it's all getting too much is the ice cube technique.

    I really hope you can find something that helps you. The thing about selfharm is that it's a vicious cycle and it's not so easy to break on your own, as you said it yourself drinking only makes it worse too. You need healthy distractions.
  6. I have been to six therapists, a dozen psychiatrists, and I have been on sixteen different medications. I am three medications right now.

    My only real hobby is PC gaming. I'm pretty good with a computer, but not enough to land a job in that field, particularly without a degree. I love to write, and I fancy myself a minor wordsmith, but my depression is often too severe to think of any effort as pointless. I cook, too, but since I'm unemployed I can't really justify spending money on ingredients to keep myself amused. I'm also a professionally-trained voice actor - I've had a demo studio-recorded for about nine months, but I have yet to find any work. When I was in school, I dreamed of becoming a neuropsychologist, but that dream has long since been over. I can't even go to school without being ridden with depression and feeling overburdened with the effort it demands.

    What is this ice cube technique?

    I can't agree more on the "vicious cycle" bit. My scars just remind me of all the times I couldn't keep it together... and that makes me miserable, leading me to harm again.
  7. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    The ice cube technique is when you take an ice cube and press it hard in your hand, usually I wrap it in a tissue and press it really hard. It's not a perfect method because it gives you pain... but it sometimes works to take away the strong urge to harm yourself.
  8. I'll consider it. The laughable part here is that I'm reputably terrible at asking for help, mostly because I feel like I don't deserve it. I just find it cathartic to throw words out that represent all of the nonsense I've been though, and I hope sincerely that it may help someone else feel like they're not alone.
  9. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    You do deserve help. Remember that's what a depressed brain does, tell you such stupid lies. You do matter and you do deserve to get better!
  10. Tiger

    Tiger Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I find that the fact scarring is permanent is why I harm. I like spiting myself and it sounds like you're maybe doing a similar thing? I'd try covering yourself with sharpie - it takes at least five days to clean off, even with washing. It's kind of addictive to apply and lasts a long time. People still wonder what it is so you still have the sense of secrecy and having to hide it which is very helpful. It's a good solution I think because it will last a long time but not forever.

    + you get to have dumbledore hands for a week which is an added bonus.

    As for covering your scars, I've seen a lot of tutorials on YouTube that use concealer. Apparantely they work quite well. You could perhaps get tattoos over them or, and this sounds horrible, try to make a habit of scarring in the same place. This will minimilise it and almost cover it in a weird way. I only have white scars luckily and I've found that on the arm I've harmed more on they're less visible because they're all clumped together.

    Sorry if this hasn't helped much. Good luck :)
  11. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    Also with the ice cube method if you really enjoy seeing the blood place some red food die in it so when you squeeze it and melt it may look like blood. It may take a bit to get it the right red but it's could be worth a shot.
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