coward

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, Feb 24, 2013.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Not brave

    I look at my future and see nothing but emptiness, lonliness, and failure

    I can't live with that - don't have the courage
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're still here, which means you're more brave than you realize. :hug: Here if you feel like talking.
     
  3. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    I do not think you are a coward;more that with what is going on in your life, you are simply at a loss of what to do to change your present circumstances.
    I have known in my time, a lot of people who have feared what the future could bring, but in my honest opinion, nothing ever changes if you sit and dwell on all the negative aspects of your life. For change, you have to push yourself, however difficult that can be at the best of times, to find something in your life that you enjoy doing and go at it with all that you have got; for nothing chances if you do not work to find something that will give you a little hope to see that even the smallest things in your life can change everything around considerably for the betterment f not only yourself, but you outlook on life that will enable you to have something you are passionate to work on so that your future does not end up as something to be feared, but looked forward to.

    And, as WildCherry added there, you are still here, which means that every breathe that you take each day, you always have the chance to do something.

    :bubbles:
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    sorry hun hugs toyou
     
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    I have no more hope left - tried - but hope is just cruel - never be a success - never be able to have a good life
     
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Did something happen to bring these feelings back, or have they never left?
     
  7. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    they never leave - always there - just that sometimes i can keep them pushed aside, ignore the truth

    family, health, work, finances - all wrong - again

    don't think i have the strength or wherewithal to fix it - any of it

    wish i could dream of something better but it always turns to nightmares so i don't bother any more

    this is so hard right now - can't look anyone in the eye at work - constantly fighting back tears - can feel the kit in my pocket screaming to be used

    had a fever for 10 days then had to work at home because i had no strength to travel - no one at work other than the two people i had to check in with even noticed that i was gone - proof of how little impact i make on anybody

    i'm a non-entity trying to find relevance but i have none - i don't belong in this world any more and my passing will be unremarked in the end

    daughter had an accident and needed to get her car fixed - she had to ask her grandmother to help because i couldn't - can't provide for my own children like a father should - can't help when it matters

    owe thousands to the state of NJ in taxes from last year (get taxed by two states now) and this year won't be any better

    missed one mortgage payment - now i'm getting threatening letters from the bank

    keep telling my wife how bad things are getting but she refuses to stop going out for lunch, buying magazines, clothes she doesn't need

    she doesn't do anything - cook, clean - gets offended if i ask her to cook more than 1 day a week - called me downstairs from doing the laundry to ask when i was going to put frozen pizza into the oven - apparently having a cat on the chair with her causes her legs to stop working

    made meatloaf the night before to use up the ground beef she was supposed to put in the freezer but didn't - searched online for a new recipe that would use what we had in the house and tweaked it to remove the spicy parts - 20 minutes to prep, hour+ to cook, along with veggies and mashed potatoes and her first comment was "needs more seasoning" - no "thank you "

    spend hours every sunday upstairs washing and folding alone because if i leave i forget to go back and laundry won't get done - all i get is grief for not putting her clothes on the right color hanger - she can fix it her own damned self because i don't care any more

    alone upstairs or alone in the living room - easier to do it upstairs where i am physically by myself

    but still alone - alone on the train, alone in my cube, alone at home - going to die alone
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, I can relate to somewhat of your post, the part regarding your wife not cooking/cleaning. Before I was on medication I cooked and cleaned nearly every day, since been on such heavy medications I can not do this at all, it's all left to my boyfriend. Actually we just had an argument about it 10 mins ago. He thinks I am just lazy but I'm really just too weak from xanax,zyprexa etc..

    But regarding the rest of your post- The fact that you are posting here is you reaching out for support, hope may seem like its gone for you, but support is far from gone, especially on this forum. All I can say is, keep going and things may get better, :hug:
     
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You don't have to go through everything alone. There are lots of us here who care and would do whatever we could to help, or to be there when you need support or someone to talk to. I hope you'll reach out. Maybe you feel like you deserve to be alone, but that isn't what you deserve at all.
     
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Not the same - miss meaningful physical contact - hugs just because someone cares - just being held without feeling like it's an inconvenience

    But I'm not worth that much
     
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know. Nothing takes the place of a real hug and of being held. But yeah, you really are worth a lot more than you realize.
     
  12. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Worth more dead than alive
     
  13. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we love you buddy
     
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    No, worth more ALIVE!
     
  15. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    no - really not

    next to useless these days

    get up early and go to work

    get home, usually end up making dinner and getting grief if my wife doesn't like it, then fall asleep on the couch before 8 (more grief to follow)

    had to go to sleep at 9:15 last night

    would be in bed alone every night if the cat didn't come in with me

    this is not a life - wouldn't be a life if everything was rosy

    haven't updated my insurance in a long time so the suicide rider wouldn't start over

    my head keeps filling with end scenarios - so many options between home and work - all i can focus on is the end of this pain, this loneliness, the fact that i won't have to keep failing at everything any more

    find myself shutting down

    less than a month and i will be as old as my old man was when he died - certain symmetry there
     
  16. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Damn if anyone did my laundry or made me a meal, I would be doing a (virtual) happy dance and s/he would be my hero for the day...maybe your wife can use a lesson in compassion (sorry if this is intrusive, and clearly I do not know her)...much of this sounds like her problems not yours, as clearly if my SO was a dedicated husband, father and provider he would know how precious he was...btw, my long term ex were none of those things, and he was treated like gold
     
  17. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Running out of words, out of time

    Hurts - want it to stop

    NEED IT TO STOP
     
  18. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Try to keep finding words, to keep talking. Whether you believe it or not, we care and you're not in this alone.
     
  19. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    time running out - missed one payment - bank ready to foreclose if i can't make it up in under a month

    see no other way
     
  20. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    After dinner she tells me we haven't been paying electric - she didn't notice that her automatic payments had stopped 4 months ago - don't know how long before they restrict it but it will be soon

    Hands are shaking - fist closed around my kit - want to open it
     
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