Coward

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by jchance, Dec 26, 2015.

  1. jchance

    jchance Member

    I just wanted to write and say a few things... I dont know whats going on in your head or what you think is going on but I want you to know exactly how I feel. I am depressed and unhappy. I havent wanted to go or do anything since you made me get rid of our child. I know your to big of a coward to admit it to yourself...just dont forget I was there. I was the one that had to do it. I was the one with blood pouring down my thighs. I was the one that told you I wanted the baby. I told you I wanted it. I made every effort to let you know it was important to me. You wouldnt even give me enough respect to listen to my words or talk to me about it..... And now Im the one thats tortured by it. I have to live with it. I have to live knowing I chose you, when my heart told me not to. Now im broken.
    ...I can be happy for a awhile, I can forget im hurting, but your always there to remind me. I become appalled, disgusted...and I remember how lonely I am around you. I feel like you even being around me is making me want to die. I cannot and will not ever be truly happy with you ever again. There have been some good days together, but its outweighed by the ugly. Everytime I start to forget, you make sure to remind me of the hate I have in my heart for you. The hate I feel every time you show how little you care for anyone but yourself. When you act like there is something wrong with me for being disgusted in you every time I wake up and see you drunk smoking your cigarettes and playing your video games. It sickens me. It makes my stomach turn....you make my stomach turn. I look like shit, I feel like shit and I am shit...emotionally, physically and mentally and I truly do not believe I can begin to heal until your gone. I want you to leave me in the millions of broken pieces ive become, so maybe I can begin to pick them up. I dont want to hear from you, I dont want to see you and I dont want to speak to you. I dont want you to write me back, it makes me sick. If only I could inflict the pain on you that you have caused me. So maybe then you would understand. I cant do that though, because your not capable of empathy. Discussing my feelings with you makes me want to crawl out of my skin, to pour out my heart and soul just to be shrugged off as unimportant. I get so much hate inside and I just dont want to feel that. At this point its just not a matter of whos right and wrong but more of an issue of happiness and I just cant be happy with you.....So im just touching base with you, making sure that you know I dont want things mended between us. No matter how many smiles you can get out of me I still hate you deep inside and it digs its way out too often. Alcohol is your crutch because you are weak, but I dont need a crutch and I dont need you.