cowardice....?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by 2-D, Jul 18, 2010.

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  1. 2-D

    2-D Well-Known Member

    I know not many people know me, or more particularly the reasons (which seem to be growing) as to why im here....

    well over the past few months ive had this thing for a collegue at work, is not looking for a relationship, fair enough - everyone has their issues and so on; but it was eating me up too much and so even more recently (last week) i thought it would be a good idea (this is the moronic idiot part of me who seems to occupy my mind 99% of the time) to talk to said females best friend - which i knew would end up in something like 'she just wants to be friends' but having what i thought confirmed, i just...i dunno, feel crushed even tho i knew it was happening, i mean whats up with that any? damn human condition. and so now i cant bear to think of this woman who im somewhat still in love with and i cant forget about her cause there is always SOMEONE at work who keeps talking about her, or for some reason thinks im so totally interested in to what shes up to (which is sort of on the mark, but i dont know) and so im near enough a walking anxiaty attack or close enough to have one, im stressed and at the same time nervous, now ive not talked to her since ive confessed (best way to put it i guess) my feelings to her best friend, and i dont think i can cause the thought of that makes me want to run, and run far - like the other side of the world (the states/aussie land/canada - somewhere far away) and just try and put it out of my mind, but i know that if i do that, i come close with me *method* but even still - i just wanna run and start a new life in a new country.


    i guess what im trying to ask is: am i coward?
     
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Answer in a word No, you are not a coward it is funny I always develop these crushes never tell the girl because I know that I would be rejected, (pick one of 100 reasons why). Thing is you actually took a really brave step, I am not just saying that. You took a chance you told someone, man that is more then I would ever do. Okay it did not work out and I am sorry for that, but hey you did more then most would, so please do not be so hard on yourself about it.

    Take Care

    Rich
     
  3. 2-D

    2-D Well-Known Member

    i wish i hadnt tbh - i would rather just have let it eat me alive; tho i dont doubt the next time i come in to contact with her i wont be able to even look at her, let alone form a coherent thought (past month ive started to stutter and forget what i was saying half way through and even forget how to think of the words i want to speak let alone speak them and so i just want to run away as far as i can as quickly as i can; even tho im a complete cynic ive even started researching in to voodoo and stuff like that to see if that can help - but there appears to be nothing on what i want.
     
  4. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Yeah I get that, because even though it would of eaten you up, you would have still had that thought in your mind that she might like me etc, thing is right the worse has happened, next time you see her, tell her sorry take it as a compliment. See what she says, just don't beat yourself up. I have the same problem I don't stutter, but I forget what I am saying and just go umm, ahh, umm then realise what I am doing makes it worse, you have to approach this girl sometime, just let her speak to you and say what you want too.
     
  5. 2-D

    2-D Well-Known Member

    the thing is tho, even in my mind, i kept thinking it was never gonna be more then friendship - and thats the thing i dont get, if i knew this would be the outcome why has it still hit me so bloody hard to have it confirmed? and atm i dont think i could face her, even the thought of thinking about seeing her face to face, or even reading a text from her fills me with dread, and fear; fear that she is just gonna laugh at me, make the humiliation a whole lot worse and the other thing i tend to do around her is either zone out to the middle distance or lock up, i mean ive been round to her house just to hang out a couple of times, but i would not take a seat and just stand near enough as a statue staring at one square foot of the wall across from me... and so this feeling of dread and fear just makes me want to run far beyond the hills
     
  6. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I guess while you didnt know or asked her you had the hope that she would like you, once has gone of course it is going to hit you hard sadly. As for her laughing at you, well if she is that cruel she does not deserve you liking her, trust me on that one.
     
  7. 2-D

    2-D Well-Known Member

    i guess so, a part of me, no matter how much i tried to supress, like every other really bad thing in my life ive tried to supress, but this one was the one to break that box, it ended my two years of no cutting, and now i have at least 10 scars on my arms and shoulders (combined total) from my actions over the past week, and im not sure if she would actually be like that - but a part of me (the biggest part) always seems to only think of the 'worst case' scenarios like, but i just cant shake them and end up believing them - tho since im such a crummy person anyway - why would things be any better? im just one of those people doomed to alienate the oppisite sex - maybe things would be better if i could find a way to make a new life over in the states, leave this whole life behind - a new name, a new ID; and the only reminders of this current existance, a box in the deepest darkest corner of my mind suppressing the ills of my life, the loss, the greif, the guilt....
     
  8. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I tried doing that creating a new "me" as it was, you know what didnt work the grass is not always greener, your clearly a sensitive person and that is in a way a good thing, I think you need to right now focus on making yourself happy working on your confidence. Once you have got there, and some support. You can work on the other things like social interaction, meeting girls etc
     
  9. 2-D

    2-D Well-Known Member

    well atm i volunteer, to try (at the very least) to keep the facade up to a level i know where i can fool people who arn't 'people readers' per say, which i seem to be able to do - but this desire to run, this girl is not the only reason (the main one yes, but not the only) the other being im jobless - so since im having no luck even getting an interviews for the most skill less of jobs, maybe a new start somewhere else would be the ticket, so the next time im at the job centre im gonna look for some international posts - see if they can get me out there, if all else fails, methods wont (hopefully)
     
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