Crap

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lauru, Aug 1, 2010.

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  1. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    This bipolar sucks. It will never end,always up and down, never stable for long. My pdoc even says this will always happen and my meds will need to be cotinually tweaked. I wish I was dead so that I didn;t have to kill myself. I just want to take all those pills and drink and go to sleep forever. I want to die! No one hears or knows. I can';t go inpatient, my partner would never have it. She would be so angry with me for feeling this way again. She hated it when I go into the hospital. I'd rather just be dead. There is no hope for this life.
     
  2. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    Have you asked your partner if she'd rather you be dead? Would that make her life better? If she's any kind of loving partner, she'd be so upset at the question that a resounding 'No' would come through her facial expressions alone. So it seems strange that she would make you feel bad, or discourage you, from getting help when you need it. You do not deserve to be scolded for having a disorder that you did not choose, nor ask for. I can't tell you what to do, I don't know what your life is like, but I can strongly advise against dying and for doing whatever the hell you have to in order to feel better.

    If you are thinking about suicide, then something needs to change in your life. The status quo is not functioning. Is there someone you can confide in? A place you can go to clear your head as much as possible to continue marching on? My mother and my sister have bipolar, so I understand its complexities as much as I can as an outsider. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but the best thing you can do is continue trying.

    Just keep living,

    --ThinkingCap
     
  3. the_great_poptart

    the_great_poptart New Member

    I don't want to tell you how you should feel. I myself have just posted something similar. I was just looking for some sort of solace in someone elses post. In our mutual need, I feel we can somewhat connect.

    However, you have someone that loves you so much, they want to be there for every up and down, they want to be on that upsetting ride with you because they prefer your hell to not being with you. Before I make you more upset at what you just read, please consider this: If you have someone that loves you so much to go through this with you, then how much pain would you leave them if you killed yourself?
     
  4. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    I too am bipolr! And there is no sugar coat it plane sucks! I have driven my friends and partners away! It always feels like im being a nusence when im in a down time spiral! Talk it out! Spill your guts, here! As far as ur partner it dosnt seem like they are verry suportive! It dosnt help the situation! The ups and downs are temperary! So don't make a permanat solution to this temporary down! I know it's easier said then done when ur down your way down. Not disregarding how you feel! But you know it will be better maybe even by tomorrow! Give yourself a break! A timeout if you will! Do something you like, I know it's hard to find motivation in anything! Take a bath and sit there for a couple of hours if you need, go for a walk! Think of the things that do give you the drive! Do u have kids, a best friend, a family member ur real close too! Take care! Your not alone! Don't forget to breath! Deep breaths!
     
  5. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    There is hope.Pray! Please open your soul and pray. I am here for you and praying too. Do what is best for you, even if your partner doesnt like it. You have to do whats best for you.I hope you feel better now. Put all your pain in the posts here and we will help . Hope is here....
     
  6. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone for your kind words. I don;'t know what to do about my partner. She doesn't want me dead, but she gets so angry when I go to the hospital. Yet if I attempt suicide again and don't succeed, then she will leave me. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. She is very loving, she just doesn't understand the bipolar and what it does to me. Crap. I don't know what to do.
     
  7. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    Is it possible for you to have someone (your therapist or psychiatrist possibly) explain to her what bipolar is and how serious it is? Sit her down and explain it through? I think the seriousness of it might come through then, and she's probably just getting angry because she doesn't understand. People get upset and angry the most at things they don't understand. Good luck,

    --TC
     
  8. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    She won't go to my pdoc or T. She thinks they're all quacks because they can't "fix" me. I think she doesn't want to know all about it. She'd rather just pretend it isn't there.
     
  9. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry about that. I'm no authority on your life, but really, your partner does not sound like she really cares about you. She sounds absolutely horrid, and for your own sake, I hope you can get away from her and to people who do care. Your bipolar disorder is a part of you, it does not define you, but it is still a part of you, and if she'd rather pretend that it isn't there, then she's ignoring an entire part of you. It would be the same thing if she wanted to pretend that you weren't allergic to something, and then exposed you to that without a care in the world. That's what she's doing when she's acting so callous.

    --TC
     
  10. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    I understand your viewpoint. However, to be fair, a lot of this is how I think it is, not anything she has specifically told me. Sometimes I overreact or have it wrong. She also is a wonderful person, she spends time with me just talking and enjoying each other's company. She likes to sing the "I love Lauru" song. She takes care of me financially and is mostly considerate of my feelings. She definitely has some growing to do, and I think we can work it out. I at least want to try, because I love her deeply. But hell, what do I know? I just so don't want to be alone, so alone.
     
  11. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    That's a good sign then, have you tried talking to her directly about it then? Even though it would be scary?
     
  12. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    I haven't tried yet. I am afraid to. I have this irrational fear that no one could possibly love me or want to be with me. I keep worrying she'll leave even though she tells me she won't. idk how long I can keep this from her. I'm just scared. Really scared. Who could possibly want to be with someone like me?
     
  13. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    No matter how many times you ask that question, it won't make the fact that she is with you disappear. She's right there! It can't hurt to ask her about this, it really can't if you have an open and trusting relationship. Stop asking whether or not she will leave because she's right there, right now. Enjoy it, and don't be afraid. You can do this, and I'm sure she's much rather have a difficult conversation than you dead. I'm confident that she would.

    --TC
     
  14. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    Thanks ThinkingCap, I will ponder your words.
     
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