crash and burn

was well distracted tonight, but have crashed and burned and wonder
why i am still here...head all over the place full of guilt, feel like a murderer
trying to get control but am tired and the voices are getting louder and more evil..do it ...do it now they say..i just want to give in but will try and fight again to fulfil my bucket list...it takes you by surprise or likes to sneak up on you....

 

Hang in there hun, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. :hug:

 

had mammoth sob and guilt trip and fighting the urge to cut , think i always feel uber bad after seen psych..dunno really..just about able to get a grip but still not stable. thx its horrid to suddenly feel emotion agan once you have been numb for weeks, you forget what its like...but its what the psych wants, but he doesnt have to to go thru it. if i wasnt so knackered would have dragged my bones downstairs for my tools, which is why i keep em down there...safety device for the early hours.:blub:

 

Surely he knew what would happen once you brought them back? Did he have any suggestions at all, know of any alternative coping strategies that may work for you? Or did he just expect you to power on through regardless?

Please take care.

 

went for 3 hour walk today which helped and feeling numb again and too tired to do exposure work now.

psych does explain that it sounds counterproductive to deliberately trigger yourself but i was bailing out at the height of the anxiety, thereby reinforcing the trigger and what i should have done was stay until the anxiety drops a little and eventually after repeated exposure to each trigger you learn to deal with them. ofc the downside is you are left alone to deal with the aftermath of the trigger. get told to try and learn some relaxation techniques to do afterwards, phone crisis line, distraction etc... neither of which is at the forefront of your mind when you are having a wobble. just have to see if it gets easier.

thanks for the support :grouphug: