Crashed

Not sure if this is the right place to post, but wanted to leave some kind of record or account should anyone look one day. I don't even know what to say, as usual my words just seem wrong, but I don't know whats right. I do know I am so very sorry for everything for failing as a friend, Mum,wife and ultimately as a person. When everything I say think feel or do is wrong, when I upset so many people through my mere existence then it is time. I cannot hurt anyone when they already hate me. When even my birthday is filled with their irritation,anger and resentment. I get when I am no longer wanted nor needed. Yes, I drove a wedge between myself and the world, shut everyone and everything out deliberately pushing people to cut ties. But I never intentionally pushed my family,my children or my husband away... yet they hate me and resent me so I am so so sorry for all I have done and all I have said and can honestly say I have and always will love you with all my heart.

 

Do you not see h un it is not you that has failed it is your husband who had done that You are a kind person you care about people and your children do love you just sometimes it is hard for them to show it. I know it hurts but don't give up on YOU ok do n't do that

 

I certainly do not believe that you have failed as a person. You're one of the most successful people that I know. I'm not sure that I've come across many people who give more than you do to others. Time can indeed be one of our greatest gifts... Sometimes family can fool you. I know I take my Mom for granted all the time. And I'd bet she's got the completely incorrect or wrong vibe about me with respect to how I feel about her. Anyway, I hope that you feel better soon. We miss you around the gameroom.

 

Bornfree... You were born free. And you can be again. I know that sounds a bit far out... But it's true. You haven't failed at anything. You have been stronger than many I know with dealing with so much. Let us know, please, how you are. :hug:

 

Wow, Thank you WildCherry, TE, MisterB & Mo :grouphug: The irony is that I wrote that entry and then things just got a whole lot worse, DS is ill again and has taken a turn for the worse so more scans and neurosurgeon appointments, then on Monday an older boy was sexually inappropriate with DD after an after school club, so its been appts with teachers,head teachers and endless conversations with DD to try and understand what happened. It feels like my world has ended.
Then I got letter saying there is more maculopathy eye damage so have to go to hospital for yet more tests to see if treatment will help and whether I am still cleared to drive. Then at Dr's for my diabetic review they discover my diabetes is no longer controlled, so need insulin and regular testing oh I now have heart problems too so have to go for cardiac testing. I am not so not coping,but duty calls to see my kids through these nightmares. This year was meant to be better where DS didn't need surgery where things could be easier somehow, with everything going on H still so angry and volatile. I want to sleep and never wake up. I do feel as though I am God's experiment at the moment.
I keep thinking why I was so bummed when actually things were better before, like what else can go wrong?!

 

So good to hear from you. I think when things mount up and keep coming without any good support in your house, ofc you will feel overwhelmed. I think anyone would so don't feel bad or similar about that please. As is said, try to deal with one thing at a time if you can. Would you think about contacting some other family and being honest with them?? :hug:

 

I think sometimes we are given tough stuff in life because we can handle it.

Were you born with sugar regulation issue or was it later in life you got diabetes ? There are ways to seize the control back in your life. I work with diabetics and their diet and excerise regimen are adjusted and it's more controlled as soon as they need insulin they're kicked out of the program due to us not being a nursing facility so we take it very seriously and with a lot struggles they succeeded.

 

Hi Born Free. I'm so.sorry.to hear that you are suffering but please be brave. I'm glad you posted here as you can see alot of folk do care.

You are in no way a failure but a SURVIVOR. Please remain positive which I know is hard for all of us. You can regain control of your life but it's takes time. We all suffer in many ways but together we can support each other.

 

sweet darling, you did not do what you think you did. He did that. He created that wedge. He did that to you, to your kids. And caused you to do it thinking it was the only right thing to do. this is common with vicums of people like you. My heart loves you, sweetheart. please know that what he makes you believe is your fault, is not your fault. It is what HE has done. My love ot you.