I sort of really want to bring an episode on, though I'm not completely sure how. I know it's a horrible, self-destructive urge, but I just feel so..."not-quite", not quite depressed, not quite happy, not quite anything. I'm not really depressed anymore, but the medications they have me on are just...I'm not depressed, but I also am not truly able to engage with life either. It's sort of like being wrapped in cotton or swimming through jello. And my medication makes me tired all the time. I'm constantly drowsy. It affects my work. And it's just no way to live. It's not the numbness of depression. It's certainly better than the constant horror of depression, but I miss feeling alive, feeling able to really connect to my world. Feeling mentally sharp. I've had one hypomanic episode in my life, and it was a fascinating experience. I was productive. I was creative. I was energetic and highly social. But I wasn't psychotic. I didn't think I could leap tall buildings. I didn't act like a monkey on crack. I was just myself as I would be if I didn't let as many of my fears and apathy get in the way. I'm considering tripping on shrooms or something along that line to see if I can trigger the hypomania, since I've heard that sort of thing can have that effect. Maybe it's a twisted way of thinking, but it seems to me like being able to really engage with my life is no bad thing, and living my life half-awake, wrapped in emotional bubble-wrap is.