Craving hypomania

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by WrappedinCotton, Mar 6, 2008.

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  1. I sort of really want to bring an episode on, though I'm not completely sure how. I know it's a horrible, self-destructive urge, but I just feel so..."not-quite", not quite depressed, not quite happy, not quite anything. I'm not really depressed anymore, but the medications they have me on are just...I'm not depressed, but I also am not truly able to engage with life either. It's sort of like being wrapped in cotton or swimming through jello. And my medication makes me tired all the time. I'm constantly drowsy. It affects my work. And it's just no way to live. It's not the numbness of depression. It's certainly better than the constant horror of depression, but I miss feeling alive, feeling able to really connect to my world. Feeling mentally sharp. I've had one hypomanic episode in my life, and it was a fascinating experience. I was productive. I was creative. I was energetic and highly social. But I wasn't psychotic. I didn't think I could leap tall buildings. I didn't act like a monkey on crack. I was just myself as I would be if I didn't let as many of my fears and apathy get in the way. I'm considering tripping on shrooms or something along that line to see if I can trigger the hypomania, since I've heard that sort of thing can have that effect. Maybe it's a twisted way of thinking, but it seems to me like being able to really engage with my life is no bad thing, and living my life half-awake, wrapped in emotional bubble-wrap is.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Mania feels powerful. disorganized, but powerful...when one feels his/herself to be powerless, it is no wonder one wants that type of power back...but as you know, it is being estranged from the world and sometimes has poor consequences (I bought a car when I was in that state and overspent by thousands)...just to let you know I understand and also work hard to be here in the most genuine way possible...big hugs, J
     
  3. bronwyyn

    bronwyyn Well-Known Member

    I really know how you feel. The medications the doctors give me for depression do absolutly nothing, the medications they give me for anxiety make me so sleepy it's a job just to stay awake, and the things they have tried for my severe migraines don't help the headaches, but make me spaced-out, disconcerted, disconnected, and unable to even have an orgasm. It's miserable. The only times I have ever actually felt like a functioning human being is when I have been prescribed narcotic pain medication, like Lortabs. Normally I cannot work because of physical pain and anxiety. When taking pain medication I can hold down a job and be a productive member of society. However, no doctor will prescribe them to me for anything but post-surgery. They are afraid I will become addicted. I know I have no problem with mental addiction, and physical addiction can happen with the medicines they freely prescribe, like Prozac. It seems to me that addiction to narcotic pain medication is far better than being homeless because you are unable to work (which is what is going to happen to me in three months, when my parents stop paying my bills). I am in physical pain constantly because of my headaches, knee pain, and toothaches; but no one will give me anything that helps. When I tell them the only thing that has worked so far is narcotic, they call me a dope-head and kick me out of the office. I'm only telling the truth! I have tried everything and it's the only thing that works. It not only helps my physical pain, but helps my depression, fatigue, and anxiety. I NEED to be able to work, but no one cares.
     
  4. iamthe_dug

    iamthe_dug New Member

    I am completely there with you, I so badly miss the so called "manic" times, those were the times when people said I was myself, they say that's when I "was" fun. I would love to start a game of tag in a crowded mall again (with people that didn't realize they were playing), getting poster paint and painting peoples cars, getting kicked out of restaraunts for "pickle races"..... those were the good old days, lol, now the "good times" are when I finally find something funny on television, or when the dogs do something stupid, I am not so far down into depression, but I am no where nere close enough to happy to make it worth my time.:dry:
     
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