Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Oloriel, Apr 13, 2011.

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  1. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    I haven't cut in about four months, and it's KILLING me inside. I desperately want to cut again, even when I'm not depressed or anxious, it's like I don't feel like myself without depending on it. And even though I'm not actually cutting, I DO depend on it - sometimes I take out the makeup bag where I keep my cutting supplies and just cling to it like a stuffed animal. But two things stop me:

    1. My boyfriend says that if I cut to relieve my pain, then I'll just have to keep cutting more and deeper as I get used to it, like needing to up the dosage of a medicine you're getting resistant to, and that if I let myself get out of control, I might attempt again.

    2. My psychiatrist says that it's using alternative methods to cutting that helps me grow and get past the memories hurting me, and that if I cut, I'm not giving myself a chance to improve and grow, but rather I'm giving in to the pain.

    Now unlike all my past reasons - we're proud you've made it this far, you shouldn't break your streak, it's dangerous, it's bad, your scars have already healed so much, it would disappoint SO many people - these actually sound like sound reasons to not cut. But I just can't take this anymore!

    Do you guys think it would really hurt me so badly - my emotional progress - if I said screw it and decided to cut? Would it make me a bad person for knowingly setting myself back like this? Or it possible for me to cut separately from any emotional conflict - like, cut when I'm relatively happy just because I wanted to cut, not to relieve my anxiety? I don't know. I guess I'm just looking for input. It would be great if someone told me that it wouldn't hurt me to start cutting again - it's like I need someone to agree with me and give me permission before I make my choice. I'm a weak piece of shit person. But if you all try to convince me not to start cutting again, I'll still be more grateful for the support than any of you can understand. Just...please, please help me. Don't leave me alone.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so relieved that you are talking about this instead of directing going to means you are exploring other ways to deal with your pain, and that is very brave and wise...keep posting and see if you can bring a voice to how you are feeling and what you are dealing with...J
  3. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Oloriel, you have done SO well, and although I would 100% understand and would never think you're a bad person for giving in and cutting, I do think you owe it to yourself to resist. Your boyfriend and psychiatrist are both right, and although I don't think disappointing anyone else should be a reason not to cut, I think you might be disappointed with yourself.

    Although the urge is so strong, four months is a long time - I should know, it's been about five months since I last cut and I miss it every day. But I know now that if I gave in and cut again, I would be very disappointed in myself. And I also know that I wouldn't stop again.

    Above all, you are NOT weak. You've survived through so much, and resisted for four months. That's incredible. YOU'RE incredible. Try to stay strong, keep posting on here, and seek other ways to get through this. Because the urge will go away. It will get better. You can do this.

    I'm sorry it's not what you wanted to hear, but it's all the truth.

  4. freddie

    freddie Well-Known Member

    Hi Oloriel,
    I'm in the same position as yourself in a sense.
    It's been about 5 months for myself.
    I wasn't that regular of a cutter, but it is something that was that little relief I needed.
    Anyway, cutting a long story short.
    Recently its' become really hard work.
    I spent an hour last night with my tool to hand in front of the mirror resisting.
    It's hard work, and I'm still not sure if I have the confidence to say I'm not going to do it again, but for now, I'm gonna keep trying.
    No one here is going to give you permission, however. It IS your choice. And as i'm sure you're fully aware, it is a temporary relief, knowing that you relapsed is going to be hard work to deal with and you could probably fall back into a regular pattern of cutting again with the regret. Things like that build up and up and you convince yourself things that you shouldn't be.
    Anyway, I hope the cravings are wearing off and we can continue our success :)
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