I haven't cut in about four months, and it's KILLING me inside. I desperately want to cut again, even when I'm not depressed or anxious, it's like I don't feel like myself without depending on it. And even though I'm not actually cutting, I DO depend on it - sometimes I take out the makeup bag where I keep my cutting supplies and just cling to it like a stuffed animal. But two things stop me: 1. My boyfriend says that if I cut to relieve my pain, then I'll just have to keep cutting more and deeper as I get used to it, like needing to up the dosage of a medicine you're getting resistant to, and that if I let myself get out of control, I might attempt again. 2. My psychiatrist says that it's using alternative methods to cutting that helps me grow and get past the memories hurting me, and that if I cut, I'm not giving myself a chance to improve and grow, but rather I'm giving in to the pain. Now unlike all my past reasons - we're proud you've made it this far, you shouldn't break your streak, it's dangerous, it's bad, your scars have already healed so much, it would disappoint SO many people - these actually sound like sound reasons to not cut. But I just can't take this anymore! Do you guys think it would really hurt me so badly - my emotional progress - if I said screw it and decided to cut? Would it make me a bad person for knowingly setting myself back like this? Or maybe...is it possible for me to cut separately from any emotional conflict - like, cut when I'm relatively happy just because I wanted to cut, not to relieve my anxiety? I don't know. I guess I'm just looking for input. It would be great if someone told me that it wouldn't hurt me to start cutting again - it's like I need someone to agree with me and give me permission before I make my choice. I'm a weak piece of shit person. But if you all try to convince me not to start cutting again, I'll still be more grateful for the support than any of you can understand. Just...please, please help me. Don't leave me alone.