Every night for the past week I've cried myself to sleep and I don't know why. I've been dealing with a lot of shit recently but that doesn't explain why I'm so sad. I think I've lost all hope. Even when I've been at my worst before I've always had some hope even if it was deeply buried, but now there's none. For the first time ever I really don't care if anyone reads what I write or replies, I'm only typing as a way to distract myself. My memory is getting worse and worse. Someone can say something to me and five seconds later I'll have forgotten they even said it. My spelling has never been great but I'm forgetting how to spell even the simplest words. I keep reading over what I've put to make sure it's right. I feel like I have no mental sheilds, like I'm open to all the sadness and anger and fear in the world and I'm feeling it all. The emotions that I'm having don't seem to all be mine... "Like pieces of glass in my head" ... Shards of glass flowing through my viens too. I'm not exagerating this. When I think about myself and my own well-being there's just a numbness, I don't crave love or attention anymore. I just want this to stop. I feel like I'm condeemed to feel everything in the world and there is so much pain, more than I can take. Ha ha I'm fucking mental, wooo... I don't want to die, I don't want to kill myself I just want all the noise to stop. I really think suicide is selfish, mine would be anyway - I'm not gonna tell anyone else how they should be. I see deaths every night projected onto the back of my eyelids and they feel so real. Death is not peaceful, it's violent and messy and tragic, never peaceful. I wish I knew what happens afterwards, I just hope it's quiet. I probably sound psychotic, but my thoughts feel so clear. As far back as I can remember I've felt like this, I just don't tell anyone in case I get carted off to the looney bin. It seems to get better when I love somebody, I end up focusing on one person only instead everyone I have any kind of contact with, but I only end up pushing people away. I can't bear it much more, too much, too many feelings all at once. I feel like my head will explode.