crazy for sure

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Malcontent, Jul 7, 2008.

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  1. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Every night for the past week I've cried myself to sleep and I don't know why. I've been dealing with a lot of shit recently but that doesn't explain why I'm so sad. I think I've lost all hope. Even when I've been at my worst before I've always had some hope even if it was deeply buried, but now there's none. For the first time ever I really don't care if anyone reads what I write or replies, I'm only typing as a way to distract myself. My memory is getting worse and worse. Someone can say something to me and five seconds later I'll have forgotten they even said it. My spelling has never been great but I'm forgetting how to spell even the simplest words. I keep reading over what I've put to make sure it's right.

    I feel like I have no mental sheilds, like I'm open to all the sadness and anger and fear in the world and I'm feeling it all. The emotions that I'm having don't seem to all be mine... "Like pieces of glass in my head" ... Shards of glass flowing through my viens too. I'm not exagerating this. When I think about myself and my own well-being there's just a numbness, I don't crave love or attention anymore. I just want this to stop. I feel like I'm condeemed to feel everything in the world and there is so much pain, more than I can take. Ha ha I'm fucking mental, wooo... I don't want to die, I don't want to kill myself I just want all the noise to stop. I really think suicide is selfish, mine would be anyway - I'm not gonna tell anyone else how they should be. I see deaths every night projected onto the back of my eyelids and they feel so real. Death is not peaceful, it's violent and messy and tragic, never peaceful. I wish I knew what happens afterwards, I just hope it's quiet. I probably sound psychotic, but my thoughts feel so clear. As far back as I can remember I've felt like this, I just don't tell anyone in case I get carted off to the looney bin. It seems to get better when I love somebody, I end up focusing on one person only instead everyone I have any kind of contact with, but I only end up pushing people away. I can't bear it much more, too much, too many feelings all at once. I feel like my head will explode.
     
  2. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    sounds like good ol depression :) you're not psychotic (yet lol) dont worry. And thats the thing with depression-ur brain just gets all down n sad by itself even when there are no obvious causes (thought id say dealing with alot of shit recently would be a contributing factor), kinda of like some's labotomised the happy centres and made the sad centres really active (well...not really like that but u can think of it that way). The thing is its usually not a permanent thing

    It sounds like this is probably one of the worst episodes :(. its not uncommon for all the things you're describing to happen with severe depression.

    If you're really finding it hard to cope you can go see a doctor and get some better advice and explaination they can also give u some druuuugss~ that can stop ur brain from being all sad.

    but yeah if anything ur prolly not going "crazy" if its of any consolation
     
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Mal with the depression, which sounds like it is worsening, check your diet. Your brain needs certain things for meds to work properly. Also with all the things going on, you may need adjustments if you are taking anything. I don't think you are going crazy at all. I think you are under a lot of stress. You have some fears about what has been going on healthwise because of the unknown. All this contributes. Please don't give up. You have people that care lots about you, regardless of how you feel. :hug:
     
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