Crazy little thing called...suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by John_H, Oct 11, 2007.

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  1. John_H

    John_H Member


    Cutting a long story short, I had a best mate in the early 90's, we had previously shared a flat after I'd split with my girlfriend(he later moved back to his mum's anyway to enjoy the home comforts of free everything!) and often used to go jogging, drinking and socialising together, sometimes seperate and sometimes with a wider circle of mates (including his older brother).

    We never stopped laughing at each other's sharp and often warped humour, enjoyed similar tastes in music, film, comedy and books, and the others used to say nights were greater when we showed up.
    He was physically fit, good looking, intelligent, employed, had a close family and a caring girlfriend (who resented our friendship)and had just bought a 2nd hand car.

    Then came April 11th 1994.

    He was waiting for me outside my flat after work wanting to go for a beer or ten, and he showed me his 'new' car. I didn't think it odd as he'd still called back to my flat (his old flat) often. He drove us near the town centre, left the car and, after a fantastic night out we were catching different buses.

    He walked off in a different direction with the words "See ya"...and I never saw him again...

    His brother showed up the next afternoon in tears and stunned me with the news of his having gassed himself... in his car. I've been heartbroken ever since, have dumped nearly every supposed/actual friend since and still even today am angered that whilst I miss my friend(as Morgan Freeman says in 'Shawshank redemption')- or he was stolen from us- most of this living society is made up of mostly arrogant, two-faced a**eholes.

    Then my youngest brother also gassed himself on xmas day 2002....

    Great world, huh?
  2. mb75

    mb75 Well-Known Member

    I;m sorry you had to go through this TWICE.... while I have thought of doing the same myself, it is not a feeling I would wish on anyone... I dn't have the guts to do it just yet though, don't want to leave my babies alone......
    I sounds as though you didn't see it coming at all on both cases, you didn't say much about your youngest brother but your friend sounds like he was a really nice person and very happy (well at least happy on the outside).
    I don't know what to say that will comfort you, but feel free to pm me if you want, or vent on sf if you need to do so... I guess your idea of wanting to help suicidal people is also great, who knows, maybe it will help you to come to terms with their death, it may make you feel better and you can make survivors out of so many suicidal people out there in the world who are crying out for help and just need to be heard or understood.

    We welcome you to SF. :hug:
  3. John_H

    John_H Member

    Thanks mb

    Yeah, I and everyone else was taken totally by surprise on both occasions.. both had jobs, girls, friends, family, looks and popularity etc. Actually my mate's brother and I are now really good mates, but once planned a double-suicide ourselves, New year's day 1995.

    Usually people at work etc wouldn't be able to tell how I'm in turmoil inside, angry at society etc and how shallow and sh*te most of it is, as I'm up for a laugh and am outgoing and confident.

    I'll probably rant from time to time when "being strong" fails on those few occasions, but will try not to depress others, and thanks for your offer of a chat, btw. I may take you up on that! :wink:
  4. John_H

    John_H Member

    But life goes on, I suppose...
  5. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    I can sympathize with the heartbreak of losing a friend.
    I hope you can find it in you to try and associate with other people
    who share the same qualities and likes and dislikes. Close Friends are the only thing keeping me from complete insanity.
    This world...this society...this earth... rotating with assholes desiring power over other
    assholes. But fuck, there are some sincere people out there.
    I know change in mentality doesn't occur in a short amount of time.

    Overall...I feel for you.
  6. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    John_H, that it remains not forgettable even after so many years must mean it is still unexplainable for you. Your anger is a reaction to deal with a threat you cant see, hear, comprehend... and precisely this threat is not having been given the opportunity of closure, of working logically through the thought processes you friend must have had, before he walked out of life and towards his destination. I know of 'destinations'...

    I'm somewhat in the unenviable should I lie...?, I simply know how one is able to say 'See ya', turn around and leave life. It is hard wired into my core and I so wish, how I desire of not having this doomed knowledge.

    Day after day, I keep copying emotional templates of people who tell me that their blueprint of life is how reality looks like. Hour after hour, I apply the thickest of make-up's to guarantee the survival of my smile throughout the day, only for replacing it with a mud-pack onto my hurting face in the evening - which sets as hard as concrete...

    What is the value of even the best friend, the closest brother, the most comforting sister if all you constantly see is the glorious gash in the fabric of life itself. Nothing is able to compete with the desire of passing through it...

    It is the one wound only the sacrifice of your own life can heal...!!

    Forgive, all this doesn't provide you with any consolidation or explanation I know. The best I can hope, you see something in my words which allows you a glimpse into the incomprehensible.

    I personally have to live the seemingly inexplicable everyday...and am less and less succeeding.

    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 13, 2007
  7. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I feel bad for your losses, John.

    I'm mostly alone. My entire family died off. My cousin, who I was good friends with, developed schizophrenia and faded away.

    But I'm always searching for good people to fill my life up with. I basically never grew up, and still prefer hanging out anyplace over working on a fucking career and trying to get ahead.

    What keeps me going? Telling myself I did the best I could each day, and taking time out for something good - music, a good book, a good movie, fine wine, etc. I try to enjoy the simple pleasures, because I know I can't depend on people for my happiness.
  8. John_H

    John_H Member

    Thanks for the posts, Trip the Dark & Pit. Regardless of having a decent personality, manners and education, you have to turn into some kind of monster to earn respect or acknowledgement from the materialisitic arseholes that are left on this planet, as they only seem to understand one thing.

    If I didn't still see my two little kids I'd join the best humans- the ones that aren't here...
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