crazy rant... long evil...

[Forgotten_Man]

Ok so here is the advice that I have been given by most people. Be happy and you will make friends... yes yes yes that is what I need to do work on faking happiness yes the fake smiling the fake laughing the fake everything. That way people will think I am worth something. And then when I feel I can trust them I show my true colors and they leave me. Why because in order to be happy I would have to erase everything that I am and be the exact opposite aggressive loud horny not depressed not emotional. And then when I am me people will see that I have been lying to them all this time and leave me for being a liar yes yes that is what will happen. Yes that is what I need to do.

So I am going to work on it... starting here I mean if I cannot get out from being under moderation here I will never make in the real world. So from now on I am only going to give encouragement and the "everything will work out" shit that people give me yes yes. And then once I am out from being under moderation i will be ready for the real world. Then I can go out and pretend to be happy. And hey maybe I will get REALLY lucky and this new personality will take over and the me that exists now will die because that would be suicide in and of itself no? Yes I need to work on my facade... because lets face facts the real me is not wanted here... I mean come on my values and opinions are just garbage here. If that was not the case i would not be under moderation. I am so I will play the game yes yes that is what I will do. ANd I will get good at playing the game yes.

But then again why do I need a facade? Why the fuck do I have to change? Why can't people want to be with me because they feel pity for me? Hmmm? Why can't they want to change my life for me hmm? Why can't I just get a pity friend? Why oh why oh why? I know why because I am not fun enough nope no sir I am not fun that is a problem. But why should I lie huh?

What scares people about the truth huh? Why is it so scarey to see are real person? I just wanna die... speaking of dying it will be really funny when I have a break down and come here seeking advice but then in the time it takes for the mods to post my new thread I will be long dead and all the advice will go on dead ears....... yes yes that is what will happen all on dead ears. And there will be no remorse no sir because I was under moderation you were doing the right thing sacrificing one life to save many more. yup yup yup.

Oh oh you know what else I have heard "You have to change you" :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: You make me laugh no no I have to want to change me then society allows me to change me. :laugh: :laugh: Yeah it does not work they way people think. You see I have to want to change and then socitey has to accept that change. Otherwise society will not let me change. How do I know this from experiments during my younger years. I would try to change and society would remind me of how much of a loser I am yup yup. So I would change but it would not be a change at all because society will find a mold for me and make me me...

Oh oh you know what else I like hearing how OVERRATED love hugs sex companions all that jazz are. How they are all just lame and pointless :lolabove: Everyone is just like that... wow thanks this is great suicide encouragement really I mean the one things I think life would be living for are:lolabove: so what is the fucking point then? Hmmm? Why fucking live if I have nothing to live for? If companions are nothing then what do I have I mean I hate me... if love is not going to change me then I will just fucking kill myself yes yes yes just fucking do it... right at a good time. Yup that good time will be in a few months though damn.... oh well I will be all :lolabove: As I off myself.

And really what is so bad about offing a worthless human being like me? Hmmm really I am just wasting space on this planet taking up resources space on this server everything. All I am doing is taking up the space that productive good people need. I am not a good person no no no ... why well look at my title UNDER MODERATION that makes me a bad bad bad person:diablo: I am out to ruin all Ha ha ha ha ha I am a bad worthless soul. So why does it matter. In the end there will be more food for you and your family more gas for you and your family more space for you and your family more everything with one less me. I mean I am just worthless Why keep living when there are people out there who need the space more than me.

Yes yes... you know what is fun knowing that there is a high chance that this post will not make it onto the thread so I will be sure to make a copy of it yes indeed and post it somewhere safe where I can invite people to come see it. Yes yes yes...

So why do people tell me to wait? I have been waiting... waiting for what a brief moment of happiness... let me tell you something in my book no amount of happiness can be worth wating more than 3 decades for no amount at all. Unless of course that happiness will be ever lasting... until I die that is. Which it won't why because I am a shitty person. People will show interest in me until they are bored then leave it is the natural way of things.

Yup yup I look at the planet as sort of a body really. And we are like the cells and our bodies when a cell is sick or inferior the body tells it to kill itself. Why should the planet earth be any different? I mean seriously I am by any standard an inferior human being so there for I should kill myself and make way for the supierior ones. I am just doing what nature commands. That is the way things are.

Oh boy I cannot wait to die I am just going to die and it will be great... why do I have to live miserably tell me that? I have no power to change that power was stripped for me the second I headed out and socialized. I am this way now and forever. No one will want me around and if I disappear I will not be missed.

Ahhh now I will go to the cutting that will help relax me... what with the endorphines released into my brain so I can go to sleep and put on my mask in the morning and go on with life.:lolabove:

 

[Tak]

Noooooooooo, don’t do it Forgotten_Man, don’t kill yourself, is that what you want to hear :biggrin:

I am glad that you want to change, want to start afresh, get out from Under Mod and try to give people the right encouragement. Break the mould that society has given you, you don’t need to be happy all the time, just now and then. Give a pleasant smile to a stranger and watch as they look at you in astonishment, or think you’re crazy, but someone will smile back and that feeling will keep you going all day. Small steps to happiness, it is not going to happen overnight, your not going wake up in the morning with a face like Joker, but if you try then you will start to notice small things.

All life is precious, just because you think your shitty doesn’t mean that everyone will, one day there will be someone who stays and doesn’t think your boring. I have read some of your posts and you do have something to give to people here, you just unfortunately seem to let your mind wander, you would do you well to take some of your own advice as well.

I hope that you found some piece in your cutting, and your mask fits well.

And I know your response is usually to slate people for trying to be nice to you, so bring it on, at least then I will know that you have read it :tongue:

 

[Forgotten_Man]

Noooooooooo, don’t do it Forgotten_Man, don’t kill yourself, is that what you want to hear :biggrin:

I am glad that you want to change, want to start afresh, get out from Under Mod and try to give people the right encouragement. Break the mould that society has given you, you don’t need to be happy all the time, just now and then. Give a pleasant smile to a stranger and watch as they look at you in astonishment, or think you’re crazy, but someone will smile back and that feeling will keep you going all day. Small steps to happiness, it is not going to happen overnight, your not going wake up in the morning with a face like Joker, but if you try then you will start to notice small things.

All life is precious, just because you think your shitty doesn’t mean that everyone will, one day there will be someone who stays and doesn’t think your boring. I have read some of your posts and you do have something to give to people here, you just unfortunately seem to let your mind wander, you would do you well to take some of your own advice as well.

I hope that you found some piece in your cutting, and your mask fits well.

And I know your response is usually to slate people for trying to be nice to you, so bring it on, at least then I will know that you have read it :tongue:

Ummm I guess sure why not...

The whole changing thing was sarcasm..... if you read the passage I talked about changing so completely that I would be the exact opposite of myself. That would make me a hypocrite I hate hypocrites so unless the current me is completely erased now then I will not ever change because I am too scared to and too chained down by society to. It won't matter even if I try to change society will kick me back down because like I said I don't have the power to change society does. So no I probably never will get out from "under moderation" because I would have to change my behavior so radically to do so it would not be worth the time.

All life is not precious... only the lives of those who advance normally. And guess what I have advanced FAR from normal. When I sit here and look at my life. I could just disappear from cyberspace and no one would be the wiser. And I could kill myself and my family would force themselves to believe that they loved me and wanted me so they could feel the pain they need to feel at the funeral. But get over me once the ceremony is done.

Ummm... you used the wrong Peace... it is Peace not piece. And the endorphines released into my brain level me out a little that is all they do. But there is no point to it now really. I feel down sad I wanna cry but I cannot find any way to express emotion.... once this day is over I will go home and probably sit around and be whiny bitchy me as the temptation to kill myself grows ever stronger. I mean what is the point of an online relationship I wonder... I cannot be held by someone... and seeing that little emoticon of hugging things makes me even more depressed because I SERIOUSLY do not know what a hug feels like I don't know what anything feels like :sad: I will never know what anything feels like because I am too much of a wuss to. I will only know the one unambiguous feeling there is pain. The one feeling that you either feel or you don't. It is a simple as that.

Sorry for being slate but normally some of those posts inspire GREAT RAGE in me...... but it is pity and that is what I am looking for no?

And in my threads I ALWAYS read every post and try and reply to every post so don't feel too special now.

 

[TearsDropBloodTrickles]

Well. hmm. Not quite sure how to go about this. I've looked at many forums, many sites, and i was looking for posts to read, and they all seemed so mediocre, people whining about silly little things, my nan is dying (ergh shes an old woman what do you expect ?) I've been depressed for 5years and now my pills dont work...basically i felt no ones pain compared to mine, and then i came across your post. And it wasnt the pain that attracted me to it, it was the fact that i felt like i related to so much of what you were saying. The whole sarcasm about becoming 'happy' my mother was exactly the same, 'life is what you make it' blah blah, its like everybody is incapable of helping, which is crap since you cant help yourself. I like when you spoke about not being able to change unless society allowed it, i wish more people understood this, i've often said i wanted to kill myself, but i've never felt strong enough to do it, so i gave up on happiness, i gave up on caring in general, and i became dead to the world, i didnt care about anything or anyone, i lived each day because i must. I was living for the sake of living. I self-harmed for the first time the other day, something ive always found disgusting, so i guess im getting pretty desperate, and theres always the fact i did it with a shard of broken glass.

You know what annoyed me, when i told my mum i wanted to kill myself, the first thing she said was 'How fucking selfish are you?' She didnt try to help me, she didnt hug me, she just attacked me, im so tired its so late, i forgot my point, did i even have one. I just read your post and wanted to write a reply. I just felt like we were peas stuck in the same rotten pod. Sorry for wasting your time.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

Well. hmm. Not quite sure how to go about this. I've looked at many forums, many sites, and i was looking for posts to read, and they all seemed so mediocre, people whining about silly little things, my nan is dying (ergh shes an old woman what do you expect ?) I've been depressed for 5years and now my pills dont work...basically i felt no ones pain compared to mine, and then i came across your post. And it wasnt the pain that attracted me to it, it was the fact that i felt like i related to so much of what you were saying. The whole sarcasm about becoming 'happy' my mother was exactly the same, 'life is what you make it' blah blah, its like everybody is incapable of helping, which is crap since you cant help yourself. I like when you spoke about not being able to change unless society allowed it, i wish more people understood this, i've often said i wanted to kill myself, but i've never felt strong enough to do it, so i gave up on happiness, i gave up on caring in general, and i became dead to the world, i didnt care about anything or anyone, i lived each day because i must. I was living for the sake of living. I self-harmed for the first time the other day, something ive always found disgusting, so i guess im getting pretty desperate, and theres always the fact i did it with a shard of broken glass.

You know what annoyed me, when i told my mum i wanted to kill myself, the first thing she said was 'How fucking selfish are you?' She didnt try to help me, she didnt hug me, she just attacked me, im so tired its so late, i forgot my point, did i even have one. I just read your post and wanted to write a reply. I just felt like we were peas stuck in the same rotten pod. Sorry for wasting your time.

Hmmm well I was in a great deal of mental angiush when I wrote that one. I am still working on the being figurativly dead part... but it is not that easy with my kitty still alive..... but provided I don't snap, which I might, that will change.

Yes time goes on with or without our consent. This hit me harder than usual.. on Friday, the day I wrote the post I guess, and in the end no matter what happens whether I end it myself or keep going time will never stop...